Something is going on with dd1 but I don't know what so I can't help her :-(

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

She has been sent hpome from school this morning. I had to go and collect her before I'd even got home.

She says she feels sick and has tummy pains. She wouldn't eat her breakfast because she felt sick but I thought she was just trying it on so sent her anyway.

She has ate two nutri grain bars and is now perusing the Jamie Oliver book looking for what we can cook for dinner. She says she still feels sick.

I have spoke to my mum who had her over the weekend and she says that she has not been herself at all. She is quiet and seems to have deveolped an obbsession with breakfast and keeps saying over and over again "I just want my breakfast. All I want is breakfast" But then won't eat the cereal they give her.

She has told me that she doesn't like going to school because she doesn't like learning about houses and babies, but won't tell me why she doesn't like it. Just that it hurts her feelings.

Me and DH have been having a lot of problems lately and I'm sure she has picked up on this but says she is happy at home it is school she doesn't like.

I have recenntly started working again after being a SAHM, she says she doesn't mind this. She likes it when Daddy looks after her just as much as when Mummy does.

And do I make her go back to school now that it is clear there is nothing wrong with her, or do I stay home and cook dinner with her like she wants to?

Anyone?

How old is she?

She is five and is in her second term of reception.

You dont say how old your daughter is.
If you and DH are having troubles and you have just returned to work then maybe DD is feeling a little bit insecure.
I remember when my DD1 was in year 2 at primary she also complianed of tummy troubles etc. I had suffered an MC and was having trouble getting over it all. Everything is all ok now and we no longer have the same problems.
Perhaps the food thing is a form of trying to have some control over something in her life, iyswim!
Not sure if that is at all relevant to you but wanted to try and help.

Let her stay off the rest of the day today, she's only in reception so it won't hurt. Have you tried asking the teacher how your dd is when she is in school?

Food has always been a major issue in dd1's life and she is very aware that if she stops eating she gets a lot of attention.

Not sure I can help but wanted to bump for you. Not sure if sending her back today will help. How old is she? When my DD was unhappy at school (it pased fairly quickly) I made the mistake of letting her stay home when she "felt sick" a few times. In the end I had to have a serious talk with her about not using it as an excuse and that she must tell me or someone else what was bothering her. Not sure if your DD is old enough to have this chat - Mine was 7 or 8 at the time

I spoke to the teacher today who says that she seems happy and has a good group of friends and no issues with bullying or behavior.

I would deal with the food thing as a priority. It will end up as a serious problem as she gets older otherwise.

Have you perhaps thought of seeking help to deal with it? Mostly to give you strategies so you can avoid reinforcing the food/attention issue.
We worry for the first years that we are not giving them enough food/milk. Then we spend years trying to stop them eating too much!
The life of a mother is never an easy one is it?

She is going to be seeing the school pyschologist about the food thing soon.

ATM I am not as worried about the food thing as I usually am as she is showing an interest food, where normally if something is bothering her she stops eating all together.

I had to click on your link as wanted to know how old your child was.. I'm going through exactly the same 'not herself/don't know what's up with her thing' at the moment.. my dd is 6. Had to force her to school this morning

Oh dear, I am having exactly the same prolems today. DS2, same age also in second term of yr R, has been complaining of stomach ache, only his big thing is lunch not breakfast (not that he has eaten breakfast much recently).

Has she had any time off sick legitimately recently as DS has, because I think it has made it even harder to go back because he is missing the attention.

FWIW I wouldn't send her back to school but start reinforcing now that it is a one-off and she will be going tomorrow regardless.

However, I watch with interest for strategies for coping.

She had chicken pox in the first term and a day off just after xmas because she had stopped eating again and was making herself genuinely ill with it. She was tired, pale and v drawn. But she went back to school after that without a problem. She was looking forward to seeing her friends again.

She wants to go to the butchers now to pick some meat for her dinner. Do I let her? Should I be treating her like she is ill?

She has now said that she gets upset when they learn about houses and babies because she wants to live with me, she does live with me.

but she wants to live with me at Daddy's house and I might not be moving there. As I said me and DH are having a lot of problems and I don't think moving will solve them.

I would guess she's picking up on the tension between you and DH. I was a very sensitive child and clearly remember pretending to be poorly when young just so i could spend time with my mum.

I did this a lot when my granny was very poorly and my mum was looking after her.

I'd just give her lots of attention today but make it clear she's going to school tomorrow.

Hope you get some help with her food issues.

I think your living arrangements are a litle out of the norm aren't they shesells? I don't mean to be rude but you and your dh do not actually live together do you...you have seperate houses ?

I would have thought that a class lesson about houses and babies would not have covered that possibility and therefore she may feel the odd one out and uncomfortable. She is not a child of divorced parents or a single parents but she does have parents that don't live together...perhaps a little talk about your situation and how not everyone fits into the stereotypes may make her fel more secre and less 'odd'.

Just my opinion, sory if it's completely wrong.

No he is living with me atm, but he hasn't always lived here.

She is aware though that when he moves back out I won't be going with him.

I have told her that she will still see me and him just as much and that she can spend some nights at daddys house and some nights here with me. But she is still upset about it and is adamant that I should move and we will all live together in the bigger house.

DH and I are working together to try and make things better, but tbh I have heard itv all before and dont have much hope of it working out.

Ahhh bless her...any talk of familes and housing arrangements is going to upset her. I would take her back to school tomorrow after having a nice day today but firmly let her know that she cannot pull this trick again...then have a word with the teacher about your siuation and ask if they could be sensitive about the issue when discussing families etc for a while

I also think the tummy issues are a manifestation of her emotional upset. I will never forget when my ds was 5ish, and we were travelling back from a very nice holiday. He said his "tummy was upset that we were leaving"...then he was sick all over the inside of the car

Sounds strange, but have you thought of asking her to ASK her tummy why its upset? Kids often know alot more then we think they do.
Also, do you talk to her about yours and your dhs situation? Maybe talking more will relieve some of the tension?
Good Luck!
Oh! Nealy forgot - my dd was having lots of tummy aches, and they went away when we stopped her having orange juice.

She doesn't drink orange juice. she only drinks water as 'sugary drinks are bad for you' she is currently fighting with dd2 over a bottle of Volvic with strawberry

I have never talked to her about it no. But I have just told her that we both love her no matter where we are living we will always be her mummy and daddy.

How would you explain it more than that to a 5 year old?

She,
For a start think how confused she is "daddy" didn't live there now does but is going again.....

Does he sleep in your bed? because if so this is reinforcing her thoughts that it is Mummy daddy and dd, rather than Mummy and DD with Daddy visiting.

I split with ds1's father 8 yrs ago now and as he grew up the ex p asked if he could stay with me while he looked for somewhere else to live, My answet was quite clear and plain "NO" at the end of the day children are easily confused and this is the thing we have to be careful of.

If you don't want to confuse her anymore and continue having these tummy aches etc then you need to make him leave and stay at friends or a b&b. For DD's sake and sanity.
You also need to explain to her that while Mummy and Daddy love her they cannot live together anymore. Try using the explanation of
"You know when you and sophie fell out and you weren't friends anymore you didn't want to play with her"
"Yes mummy"
"Well thats the same as daddy and I we both love you but we fell out and are not friends anymore"

Simple to the point and easy for dd to understand. Because if you let this continue you may just find dd will start blaming herself as NOBODY has explained to her that these things happen.

Well she has told us what is wrong eventually.

At school they did about 'normal' families, step families and adoptive families, but she knows that me and DH are not actually married and that he has not adopted her so felt as though if he left he wouldn't love her anymore and he would only love dd2. She also thought it would mean that he and dd2 would live together and she would be left with me and not see them anymore.

She is also upset that me and DH are fighting and may not live together anymore and wants us all to live togther 'like a real family'

DH has had a good talk with her and explained that he will be her daddy no matter what happens and he will always love her.

Me and DH have also had a good talk and decided to try and work together and sort things out between us, but also that if it doesn't work he needs to accept that it is over for the childrens sake.

Oh what a breakthrough! I am glad you were able to talk about it with her

Thats great news. Well done for getting daddy to talk to her as well.
I hope it all works out for your family.