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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I make my 4yo daughter behave herself ???

17 replies

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 21:47

Hi, my 4 year old daughter is being really defiant recently. She's wetting and soiling herself quite frequently and when I try to change her she thrashes about so I can't do it. When we go out to our local country park she'll run off and refuses to come back when I call her. I try my usuall trick of saying what punishment she'll get if she dosn't come back, usually going streight to bed when she gets home. Then I'll count to 5. This always used to work, but she just ignores me now. I have to end up chasing her. I always carry out her punishments. I'm just not sure what other tactics I can use. She has verbal dyspraxia and so it's hard to communicate with her, and some times I think she dosn't understand what I'm saying. She is due to have another assesment with the consultant paediatricion, as he's not convinced it's just a speech problem.
She is usually such a sweetie, she is very well mannared, loving and caring. This defiant behaviour is driving me mad though. I actually smacked her bottum tonight for the first time. She wouldn't let me change her and was shouting and kicking. I couldn't get her to do as she was told. She calmed down once I'd smacked her and she let me change her. I don't agree with smacking, but I was at the end of my teather. I do feel really bad about it now. I don't want it to ever get that bad again. I'd be really greatfull for any tips to get her to do as she's told.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:00

Anyone ?

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OrmIrian · 24/01/2009 22:05

Could you perhaps j. ust walk away when she'e being very challenging? She's finding out that she gets attention when she fights you.

Let it go for a while. Walk on when she doesn' come in the country park. Go and do something else when she doesn't want to have her nappy changed. She is only little and realising she is an individual.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:11

We've tried walking away in the country park, then hiding so that we can still see her. She dosn't care at all though.
I could try walking away when I'm changing her. She's trying to delay her bed time though usually.

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OrmIrian · 24/01/2009 22:17

I have lots of sympathy mummyll. I have a 'challenging' 5yr old. After 2 easy-going little angels. Such a shock.

The problem with communication must be a big factor - so frustrating for her and you.

I don't know the answer. Wish I did. Just a aixture of patience and strong-arming . The first time I forced my son into his car seat instead of persuading him will live in my memory for many years .

Sorry not to be more help. Hope the paed comes up with some ideas.

Yurtgirl · 24/01/2009 22:18

If she is trying to delay her bedtime sending her to bed as a punishment will only make things worse imo

I am firm with my kids and follow through etc - My ds is 4 and is doing really well with a sticker chart, stickers on a kids 2009 calander (£2 in borders books atm!). She is saving for something so she is motivated to get her stickers.

I often try to distract my kids rather then threatening with punishments

eg when dd wont get dressed I say - "I bet I can get dressed quicker than you can........." and I run off to get dressed!

Or invent a tickling song to encourage her to stop sulking

If it is a serious misdemeanour then in this house they get sent to a boring place to calm down/think - our porch is a fabulous place for thinking!!!

HTH

Leo9 · 24/01/2009 22:21

I think the key is 'tips to get her to do as she's told'

The thing is, us human beings are not actually very good at doing what we're told, even 4 yr old human beings! We have free will and we are hard wired to use it.

I think you need to drop that expectation that she will do as she's told. Basically we can show them the choices they have in a situation, then let them choose; because they WILL choose, whether we like it or not. Of course adults can force kids to 'do as they're told' for instance as you found by smacking, but of course it teaches them nothing and does nothing for the development of their character.

in the woods, yes you may have to chase her but then rather than leap to punishment you could try "It is not safe for you to go off alone. If you do it again we go straight home. Stay with me and we will get an ice cream" or something

Similarly with the getting changed at bedtime thing; "OK, you don't want to be changed - no story, no kiss then" or similar.

There is usually a choice kids want more than another IYSWIM, it's a case of putting it to them in a way they won't want to refuse IME.

You sound very patient with her though - hopefully it may help you if she's seen again by the paed - good luck!

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:27

I could try a sticker chart for doing as she's told the first time I ask her.
If she thinks she'll get something pink and sparkely if she gets enough stickers, she'll do anything.
I seem to have resorted to either bribes or threats recently.

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Leo9 · 24/01/2009 22:32

I just think your expectations might be a little high if you want her to do what she is told the first time you ask her!!!!!

Seriously.

If you expect that, it might make you see certain things as bad behaviour, or naughty, which are simply not that but just her having her own life and thoughts and getting on with her own thing. Yes they need to do things we want them to on many occasions and we don't need to accept them going against us but I still don't think we should necessarily EXPECT them to do as told first time.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:32

I always say to her if she won't let me get her changed that she'll have no story etc. That dosn't make any difference. She knows I can't put her to bed with a messy bottum.

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Leo9 · 24/01/2009 22:36

Is your DH around at bedtime?

If so what about handing the changing over to him? She may play him up less and if he's like many of the men I know he will have less patience! Also, to put it crudely, he is likely to be stronger and more able to deal with kicking legs.

Is she in nappies? What kind?

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:37

I think because my parents were very strict, I feel really bad for not having enough controll over her.
At nursery she is as good as gold, although they have noticed some developmental issues and want her to have another hearing check. It seems to be just me she plays up.
It dosn't help when my Mum says "She wouldn't dare behave like that for me".

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:39

She wares huggies little walkers pull ups.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:43

When my Husband is home, she is so good for him. She'll get changed without any problems at all.
She always says she wants Daddy to do it.

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Leo9 · 24/01/2009 22:48

Let him do it then! What time does he get in most nights? If at all possible I would be making her bedtime, daddy time; great all round; you get no battles, she gets daddy, no probs!

Pull ups sound great - do you change her standing up or expect her to lay down? I only ask as for my ds, the laying down was the thing he hated and I always changed him standing up; made life alot easier.

Don't worry about what your mum says; she's forgotten that when you're granny, you are that one step removed and kids DO behave better. Home, mum, is where all the steam is let off and that just shows she feels safe and secure at home, which is just perfect.

You DO have control in that you can show her the choices she has, so don't doubt that; but don't hanker after 'control over her' because it's a false thing IMO. We never have control over another human being IMO even if they're our child. Don't get drawn in to worrying about it, you sound like you are a fab mum and dad to me!

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 24/01/2009 22:55

Thank you, I always change her lying down so I can clean her better. I could try standing her up, she would probubly prefere that.
You're right about the control thing. She is very much a free spirit and when I try too hard to control her it turns in to a battle of wills.

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Yurtgirl · 24/01/2009 23:04

My dd is really stubborn too - hence I try to avoid a confrontation as it does turn into a battle of wills and mega sulks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is why I try a lot of distraction - funny dances, tickles, sing songs, I can do x quicker than you can races = all means to an end

Leo9 · 24/01/2009 23:04

yes there is an art to changing standing up but I'm sure it's worth a try!

re: the control, i honestly think it's one of the main things I have learned as a parent; that we don't control them, even this early on. They need to understand what the choices are in a situation and the trick as the parent is to present it in such a way that they HAVE to choose the path you want them to! Obviously there are certain safety issues that they just HAVE to obey us on eg not to run in the road!

good luck, hope it goes well with the paed.

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