Need some advice about ds's behaviour before I lose the plot!

[gill1978]

Hi, My ds has just turned two and is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. I know that tantrums are inevitable at this stage and do my best to ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good but this doesn't always work and he is getting much worse. I take him to a toddlers group most days and he is frequently the loudest there, especially at the end when all the other children are sitting nicely singing along with the songs and my ds is running about screaming or having a tantrum because he wants to carry on playing with the toys which have been packed away. I've tried letting him hold onto a toy during the singing but he always wants a ball and then ends up throwing it around and running through the centre of the circle where everyone ele is sat which disrupts the other children. If I take it off him or try to encourage him to come and sit down he has a screaming fit and drowns out the other children who are singing. It must be really upsetting to the other children as he has a high-pitched scream that I swear could wake the dead.

I make sure that we sing all the songs at home so that he knows them and he enjoys doing the actions but he just won't do this at toddlers when there are other things to do. It would be easier if the toys were all put away at songtime rather than just packed up and sat at the side of the room but the setup of the group makes this impossible.

I have started taking him to a football class as he loves playing with balls. He loves this at the start of the session but about halfway through they have to put their balls away in a bag so start doing other things and he always has a screaming fit and refuses to hand over the ball. I try to distract him but he is determined not to give it up and it usually ends up with me taking it off him and putting it in the bag while he screams and tantrums. The kids then have to take it in turns to knock down skittles which my ds enjoys but he refuses to take turns and always wants to run in and knowck them down when it's otrher kids turns so again I have to try and distract him which often fails and I have to try and just keep him away when its not his turn which leads to more screaming. The coach has told me that bhe is clearly very poor at following instructions. I agree but don't know what to do about it.

Itry to use lots of positive statements rather than telling him no all the time. I use the naughty step at home but it doesn't bother him when he's put there. There's no way top use this when we're out and about as he won't stay zanywhere that I put him and I have to stop him runnign off which results in more screaming. It's getting to the stage where I dread taking him anywhere as I get so frustrated and embarrased by his behaviour, but i have continued as I know that he has to learn to behave when we are out. I'm sure that he'll get a lot out of the football class as he enjoying playing with balls so much and it will teach him about teamwork etc but it's getting so draining.

I'm exhausted from dealing with him all the time and could just cry with frustration. The sad thing is that despite all of th4e above behaviour, he can be sucjh a lovely little boy, who gives lots of hugs anbd kisses and loves playing. The trouble starts when he is required to do something that isn't exactly what he wants to do.

Can anyone advise me on how to deal with this before I lose the plot completely?

Apologies for all the typos

I've never before heard of a just-2-year old being taken to football class and someone being surprised at him poor at following instructions. He's 2!!! He's too little to learn about teamwork.

I think you are exhausting yourself by expecting too much of him. Leave the football for now; come back to it when he's 4 or 5.

If you want to do toddler group, fair enough- but just take him home when he starts screaming and don't worry about it.

Use reins if he tries to run away.

hi there not much advice I am affraid. My DS is of similar age, he turns 2 in a couple of weeks. As far as I can see if he is just two, and the football coach says he can't follow instructions it is not because your ds is naughty its because he is two. He has no concept of taking a turn right now and won't for a while. My DS is still learning so much as is yours, the really don't have a clue how to act in public its a learned skill.

I think you are doing right by not locking yourselves indoors, exposing him and correcting his behaviour when needed is how he will learn. But to be honest I think at this age they can only follow basic instructions(put this in the bin please, shoes on etc) but waiting a turn in my opinion seems a little to much to ask. Most classes in my area don't take children at this age because of this. I am desperate for DS to go to dance class but they won't take him until he is three.

My DS too tantrums in public. In shops etc if he can't get what he likes, it can be SO frustrating, but I see him as equally frustrated as he has no idea WHY he can't have something. When I ask myself this, I calm down and carry on as normal. I just accept that my kid is "that kid" today, the one that everyone stares at, judges me a bad mother, which I know is not true, as ALL children tantrum in public at some point.

You sound like a great mum! being positive with him, still socialising him etc but it will take time for him to behave the way society says he should. For now he is just acting like a two year old little boy

Maybe someone else will have some better advice, but I would say keep doing what you are doing, but maybe reconsider the football classes until he is 2.5?or older? Just a thought.

Oh and my DS right now would NEVER hand over a ball without a screaming match either lol you are not alone.

Gosh it's difficult isn't it?

Firstly you sound lovely and like you're trying to be consistent but giving a few mixed messages too.

2 is really very little in terms of understanding the world and rules around him. If the toys are packed up for singing time then the toys are packed up. Giving him a toy to hold is confusing. And if you give him a ball you can't expect him not to want to use it like a ball. I agree with cory, if he starts to scream, remove him, don't pacify him with toys that the others aren't allowed to have. The options are stay and sing or go home, not stay and sing, perhaps hold a toy, maybe hold a ball but don't play with it etc. Clear choices.

I've not heard of football club before but it sounds awfully difficult for him at 2 to grasp all the rules of it. What about taking some balls and going to the park with some friends/other mums and children/you and the family. Then he can play with a ball as much as he wants.

I also don't think time out is necessary for a child of this age unless he's very wound up and you've put him somewhere safe to calm down.

He sounds like a very, very typical 2 year old boy. My ds was very much like this and in the end I found organised group activities were not our thing (too stressful for me, basically, and he got little out of it). I used to go occasionally just for the social aspect. What worked for me was a good set of wet weather gear and lots of walks in the woods/ park/ beach whatever. Nobody else to bother about and he was so happy picking up sticks and clambering on logs.

He will grow out of it, hang in there, be kind to yourself, do things you can both get something out of and just wait for your lovely little boy to grow up.

Agree with Cory. I'd leave the football for now - sounds too stressful for everyone. The coach has a pretty unrealistic expectation of a 2 yr olds attention span, I think. They don't need such organised stuff at that age. The toddler groups sound more useful but be prepared to leave if he tantrums. We've all been there and, yes, it's embarrassing, but just go.

Keep telling yourself it's a phase. At the moment he's finding his feet, pushing boundaries a little bit and probably can't communicate his feelings that well. It really won't last forever.

So agree with the other posters. 'The coach has told me that he is clearly very poor at following instructions. I agree but don't know what to do about it.' It is heartbreaking when you see that other 2 year olds can do this, but really your son is the normal one! Many two year old boys are not built for standing in line waiting their turn. The tragedy is that it can be hard to meet the others like yours as they tend to be marching along beaches, through woods etc, picking up stones.

My dss were just like yours. Ds1's first word was ball, and at 8 he still gets withdrawal symptoms if he has to sit indoors for more than 20 minutes! Wet days were very long until he was old enough to play football and rugby on a PS2! My boys didn't settle well to indoor toddler sessions with organised singing, and though they are lovely when in a structured situation with an adult who gives clear instructions (so they are fine at school, most of the time) they are only really happy when playing outdoors with peers who are "springer spaniels" rather than children who are more biddable and happy to play indoors.

It was quite lonely for me until the boys started school, as we would keep on trying indoor groups, or inviting children to our house but it was much better for the boys self esteem to be outside doing what they loved, in a park or on a playground.

Hang on in there, and if you meet other boys who are likeminded, organise outings and outdoor play sessions, with balls, wellies and brollies, if necessary.

And there's a huge difference isn't there between "just turned 2" and nearly 3 which is probably what some of the other "2 year old" children at football are.

He sounds uterly normal and you sound wonderful

What is he like at putting toys away at home? Or sharing them with you?

Have you tried replicating the situation at home? So you let him play with a ball for a time and then put it away to do some singing? Even leaving the ball visible? That way you can work out a way that works without anyone watching you, and he will know what is expected of him. But for what it's worth I have never been to a toddler group where some 2 year olds (mine included ) decide they don't want to sit still when there's all this lovely stimulation around them, and run around and play while singing is happening.

Your ds sounds like a great little boy and a credit to you: playful, fun, interested, involved, animated and social (albeit in the boundariless way of the small child).

Notquitegrownup is so right! You feel like you're the only one, becase all the other little boys like yours aren't visible, their mums are, for everyone's sake, doing things that suit them better. I hated having other children over because my ds would throw a strop every single time. Soooooo embarrassing.

Yes, it is a little lonely at times but the time spent with him will pay off and before you know it he'll be at pre-school or whatever and you'll be able to be a little more sociable.

Thanks for all your responses. It's good to know that his behaviour isn't completely abnormal for his age. It hadn't occured to me that I was giving mixed messages at toddlers by letting him hold a toy during singing. That's a really good point NimChimpsky. It must be confusing for him. I'll try to be clearer and if he doesn't want to sit without a toy then we'll just go home. Fortunately songtime is always at the end of the session so he won't miss too much if we leave then. He does like singing at home so hopefully he'll learn that he if wants to take part, he has to sit nicely.

Nelix - I agree with you that he probably doesn't understand the idea of turntaking. It sounds like my expectations are too high for his age. I see other children doing things and assume that all of them should understand how to do it but as Bamboo quite rightly points out many of the other children are nearly three so will have a much better understanding.

Notquitegrownup - your boys sound great! I love the term spinger 'spaniels' - that sums up my little boy totally!

yknotc - he plays with his toys pretty well at home. I've started letting him choose a couple of toys at a time to play with then when he starts to get bored with them i'll encourage him to out those away and pick others to bring out. This works about 50% of the time. I like your suggestion about practising putting the ball away at home and leaving it visible while we do something else - think we'll definately have to try that, maybe even with some stickers if he does it well - although I have just finished peeling several bob the builder stickers off the tv screen

I really appreciate you all taking the time to give me advice. I feel much better about things.

Is your ds quite big for his age? just asking because I know this Is often a mistake people make....assuming a child is older!
He's a baby really.
Be kind to yourself and, he sounds lovely!

My DS was just like this. I have to be brutally honest with you - I found that he just did not get on well with organised, srtuctured activity like 'song time' at toddler group or toddler classes like Little Kickers etc at this young age, and it was much less stressful all round when we abandoned them for a bit. He was at his best when he was allowed unstructured play, like at the park, in the garden or at home with his toys. I know it's a bit of a bummer for you, but you could always try having one-to-one play dates instead for a while? Children of this age often have very little impulse control, so no matter how many times you tell/ask them to do something/not to do something, they will do what they want to do regardless! It does usually pass, though.