My daughter is an outrageous cheat at games! What can I do?

[Tinker]

Hope someone can help. My, nearly 6 year old, daughter seems to be incapable of playing a game without cheating. If it's cards she looks underneath as I'm dealing, she has a tantrum if she's losing at draughts, and pretends to be giving me a kiss when we play Guess Who just so that she can see my card.

For an easier life, I sometimes 'overlook' these misdemeanours. If I'm feeling grouchy I'll just pack up the game tell her I don't want to play with a cheat.

I'm sure the 'right' stance is continue to refuse to play but...I really like playing games with her! Just wish she wouldn't cheat. Any tips anyone?

Hi Tinker- Might just be something that will take a bit of time to sink in, perhaps. I guess you've already tried telling her how much you love playing games with her but that it's not as much fun for you if she cheats? I suppose it might also be worth mentioning that you know she wants to win and that's fine but cheating is not really winning. Also stressing really simple things like sometimes we win and sometimes we lose but enjoying the game is the most important thing? All sounds so nauseatingly jolly hockey sticks this, but I suppose introducing the idea that we can be "good losers" and "good winners" by thinking about how the other person is feeling... You could ask her what sorts of thing a good winner or a good loser might say and if she can't come up with anything suggest things like "Thanks for the game", "I thought you played well", "You were unlucky that time", "Congratulations".

Another, tongue in cheek, thought (but I'd consider it)- could you start cheating too- in an exaggerated, funny and obvious way- to make it a more even contest? She might be a bit peeved and then you could agree on some ground rules or she might find it amusing in which case she could be in a good frame of mind to have a chat about it? On the other hand she might just be delighted that you've finally capitulated and think cheating's the way to go! She sounds SO fab and funny and clever, I have to say and I'm sure this will pass one way or another.

(Re tantrums on losing- I was prone to these for YEARS and YEARS, I'm afraid. I'm still not entirely sure that I wouldn't need to repress a little sulk on losing at certain games to certain people. What a terrible confession. Hope my little sis doesn't read this because she'd know I'm talking about her and instantly challenge me to a game of something and I'd have to lose gracefully through gritted teeth!)

Tinker - my dd (7) is exactly the same. Outrageously competitive. She has learnt that I won't play with her if she cheats - I would finish the game we had started but not take up her offer of another game.

I am now trying to teach her to be less "agressive" when playing against her younger brother (5) - ie he won't want to play if he loses all the time. At the moment he gets fed up very quickly about the scale of the opposition, but I would like to encourage him to play games too. Any tips on this one?

Thank you both for advice and 'reassuance' that she might not grow out of it. She is just a very competitive child (which I wasn't really) and I'm beginning to wonder if it's something she might just be and not grow out of. I shall certainly try the 'how do you think someone else may feel etc' approach but have an ominous feeling about smart answers coming back or 'don't care'. I'll report back if there's any 'progress'

Tinker - if you do find a way to stop your dd from doing this, could you please send it on to my mum

I suspect it is something that is inbuilt. My 28 yr old son still sulks if he loses any game he happens to be playing and thinks nothing of cheating to win. He doesn't care if people know he's cheating, either! For years, as a small boy, he always ended up in bed by five o'clock at his birthday parties because he wasn't allowed to win all the games and would take himself off in a huff. My other son is also very competitive but he likes to do things straight down the line, so that isn't a problem.

I think it's a good idea to point out what they are doing and that others may not like them; and also perhaps refuse to play if they cheat, but ime, there isn't much you can do to actually change them.

What age do children start doing this? My two (5.5 and nearly 4) often play 'competitive' games, but have always been happy to abide by the rules. I really enjoy playing games with them. Is my bubble about to burst?

Tinker, of course, I have never cheated , but both my dh and I remember being amazed at the cheating techniques used by both my neices when they were about your daughter's age. I'm not sure what made them stop cheating - I suspect it was peer group pressure.

So, I guess, another one for the "It's a phase - it will pass".