Please help! Am desperate -my son’s behaviour has really deteriorated since starting school in reception.

[muppetgirl]

Ds 4.9 started reception in sept carrying on from the nursery so same building, different door. He knows all the staff, routines etc. He started to lose concentration, mucking around, not listening and was tired. The school said they thought he was too tired to be at school and have suggested he does an afternoon less. Wed afternoon is arranged like this so he doesn?t do Wed afternoons (other children have this option to) just before Christmas we were told he was still too tired and that they would be happy for him to do another afternoon less. I was a bit shocked but took mon board what they said. Ds had a form of glandular fever last year and does suffer with tiredness but the paediatrician seems to think he?s fine now. This term he?s gone from bad to worse, he?s called his head teacher ?silly? in front of reception, y1 + y2 when collecting a merit badeg in assembly. (he said ?thank you silly?) He?s mucked about in assembly and has been told off by the deputy head yet still carried on. Today he was sent to nursery as he threw straws in the air when asked not to, missed a bit of playtime clearing it up then put the straws in his mouth and started eating them whilst being told not to he carried on. His teacher seems very touchy feely and syas thing like ?you have made me sad? which ds finds funny ?not the way we speak to him, we speak to him not down to him.
He said to me the other day ?I?m not arguing with you I think you?re wrong? ?I?ve listened to you, I?ve heard what you?ve said and I don?t agree with you? His teacher has asked if he spends a lot of time with adults as he?s very advanced verbally. He can write a little though gives school the impression he can?t write a thing so much they?ve said he?s behind. (were given 5 words to practise writing, ds practised 5 mins each day and can write all 5 legibly independently yet at school he was asked to write over the teacher?s writing and it was awful) He knows his sounds and is reading decidable books, yet school give him books where new words are introduced each book and it is more death by repetition rather than phonics and decoding. After the teacher told me what he?s done today I had to pick him up with a friend and we got into a discussion in which he was asking how could God die. His friend and I all got talking and ds said to his friend ?Don?t listen to mummy, she?s just wrong?
I feel he has no idea he?s a child that he doesn?t respect any adults. We are strict at home, have reduced his bedtime due to the tiredness (6pm not 7pm though today he went to bed at 5.30 due to the bad behaviour and was asleep by 5.50) we have said no telly and he now has to earn a tv programme through good behaviour. By good behaviour we ask him to listen and try his best, we don?t expect perfection!

I love my son early but feel dh and I are constantly telling him off and constantly hearing he?s been badly behaved at school. I feel his teacher isn?t strict enough with boundaries and sanctions. (she was almost apologetic today that she had to ?be tough on him? I said GOOD!) He?s always been hard work but fun and inquisitive with a huge zest for life. He?ll ask any question he wants and sees life as one big problem to solve but at the moment he seems so unlike the happy boy I once knew.

Look, I don't know, but i wonder if he's in a bit of a cycle of feeling criticised/naughty, and then might as well keep acting that way. I guess I would be firm with the boundaries, but also maximise 1:1 fun time and praise at home, help him find stuff to enjoy that's suited to his tastes and ability etc. I'm not saying you don't do all that of course, i just notice with my dd I can get a bit critical at times, then I realise and ease up on her, and our relationship gets a lot more loving and co-operative.

Thanks posieflump! I don't many small boys who don't act up at least occasionally.

I agree with what stays in school stays in school if it's isolated and not ongoing. I'm finding he does the same at school and at home and I thought working with school to be consistent would be a good thing?

we had a brilliant day on sat as he went to a club and played tennis for 1hr then did art and craft for an hr (normally he hates it but he wanted to go) then lunch then 1hrs tennis then home and chill then pressure washed the patio with dh which he LOVED then we went to homebase as we have let him have a rectangluar tub in the garden to grow veg. He's planned what he wants and where it's going to go so we bought the seeds. Home and chill then he went to bed. Great day had all round.

I may occasionally remind DS what will happen at school because of his misbehaviour, but otherwise I let it gooooooo...

Glad you managed a good day recently; not long back I realised that I was viewing my DS as a constant problem, rather than focusing on and appreciating his good points (like how sweet and loving he is).

If his reading books are too basic for him, maybe you can ask for some up the next level, or try see if the library has any he can pick out words in.

I have not read through all posts as at work still, but we had really big behaviour issues with our eldest boy (now 7yrs old), we had a welfare worker attached to the family and then a social worker. Some of the behaviour was attributed to the SEN teacher at school as anything that went wrong, he was to blame most of the time.

I was advised to start the boy with Boots IQ fish oils, and at the same time we started a programme called "The incrdble Years". Within two weeks the difference was incredible.

Thinking some more about this some more it seems to me like OP's DS isn't very tolerant of most other people's opinions (typical for his age), but has the verbal skills (atypical) to be noticeably quite rude blunt about it.

So, teaching him how to be more tolerant, how to go along with what others want even if it's not his first preference, and how to politely disagree with adults and when to disagree and when to let things go would be good things to work on. A lot of what OP describes is attention seeking basically (so at least he's quite a confident child).

Drama classes? Sounds like he'd be a natural .

Muppet sorry no other advice although I think there are some good suggestions for things to try from others who have been there...

My boys are too little to get this yet but I remember a friend telling me that children who are above average with their communication and language (which it sounds as though he is) often avoid the 'terrible 2's' and just as their parents are patting themselves on the back their lottle angel hits 4ish and turns into a nightmare with exactly the sort of disrespectful behaviour you have desribed - basically they are tentruming but because they have the verbal skills to back it up and demand reasons it makes it harder to deal with.

What I am saying is try out some of the ideas mentioned here (personally I think talking to the school and as much as you can insisting that they get tougher and also try to stimulate him more) but that maybe he will just grow out of this given a bit of (very frustrating, granted) time.

Good luck x

I do symapathise with you muppetgirl - my ds was 4 in august so is one of the youngest in his recption class but he is tall and verbally advanced and has started to exhibite some of the behaviours you describe.

HOWEVER IN MY CASE HE DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE ACTING UP AT SCHOOL (damn caps lock) he saves his sarcasm and obstinate behaviour for home. He is competing with two younger sibs for attetion and is very tired as he has just started fulltime at school after a term of half days. I do resort to time out in his room as sometimes all he needs is time to cool his rage but if he is being really sarky withdrawl of his beloved dinosurs are an affective punishment.

I do also use rewards and praise his good behaviours - he is lovely with his newborn sister for example. And we are giving him more responsibilities for getting his own drinks/ letting him play in his room after bedtime stories and helping me choose prepare dinner to encourage his responsible mature side.

We are quite strict about respectful language and polite behaviour but I am failing to keep my cool frequently at the moment as my constantly tantruming 2 yo dd is straining my every last nerve so I am not always a good example - this does make me sad.

You sound like you are doing your best in this period of transition school is big and your son is probably feeling a bit lost and small at times which doesn't suit a bright confident lad so he is asserting himself which is natural - as he becomes more comfortable with the siituation his behaviour should settle down.

I know my ds is totally behind in writing/ reading skills despite his good communication skills - this does not worry me as there is plenty of time in year one for sorting out the 3 r's this reception year is about adjusting to school/ routine/ and building up stamina.

sorry far too long winded

Thanks all, today was a better day at school and his teacher said he had really tried all day. She pointed to his sticker which he didn;t give too hoots about but came bursting out to dh and I asking 'are you proud?' We said we were very proud and gave him a massive hug in front of all his mates and puffed up his chest and smiled like you wouldn't believe. We did have one slip when we were tidying up and he said (after one of ds 2's annoying toys kept going off) 'shut that bloody phone up!!!!' never heard him say that before and dh and I aren't big swearers!!!

Next thing to work on...

We have said if he tries again tomorrow (thank goodness it's only 1 day to the weekend not all week as small steps and all that) then we will plant some tomato seeds for his veggie tub. He is so excited at the prospect!

Might be a strange thing to say, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it's obvious your son is bright. Obvious too that he's finding school exhausting. So maybe - his behaviour isn't because he's bright and not being stimulated, but more that he's finding it hard to fit in, so he's playing up because of that. After all you say he doesn't especially play with any of the other kids yet, so doesn't that worry you a teeny bit? Reception's all about play and socialising. As I understand it the theory is that happy kids learn and thrive. So possibly I'd say you need to help him with the social side. Help him somehow to be part of his class, organise some play dates. Ask the teacher if there's someone he might click with.

Smee has something there I think!

I have to say my dd3 is now in year one and struggling with all the social rules and fitting in. There is something about school that does exhaust them that is not about the learning.

To one of the earlier replies, yes I copied and pasted to put it into paragraphs because I couldn't read it very well as a block - kept rereading the same lines, think my eyesight it deteriorating!

Smee -I am seeing this with ds 1. The thing is I am friends with about 4 of the other mums and know a few others and we have playdates every week. He does tennis with 2 different lads from school and LOVES this as he chats to his friends (sometime too much!) He also sees his best friend who lives 2 doors away but he doesn't go to his school (which is quite nice) I think a big problem is that he finds older children more interesting, I've noticed that with the my group of 4 friends he does play with the older brothers and sisters...

I've made myself sound so negavitive about him and that we have a draconian household with rules and regulations but this has only been since a couple of weeks ago as his behaviour was deteriorating so much we felt he needed some ridgidity in his life and not just reasonaing with. He's not watched telly for a week now and earned himself a programme on sunday, he's also earned 30 mins on his starwars game. He doen't ask about tv but he is desperate to plant his tomato seeds (he is alternative I know ) which we have said if he tries at school today then we will on sunday (family day out tomorrow)

I was thinking about homes schooling him as he would love that but I do agree he needs to learn to get on with his peers and not just older children or adults.

He is fab though!

Muppet your boy sounds great, as do you. It's a tough one to get the balance right, but he does sound so tired, and his stroppy behaviour might well just be down to finding school a bit too big a step. Why not try toning down the discipline at home a teeny bit now. After all, you've shown him you mean it. If he does well at school today, tell him you think he's ready to have a clean slate - let him have his tv back, plant his seed and generally have a fantastic weekend having fun and enjoying life. Remind him if he starts acting up again that the withdrawal of things he loves will start again. He'll probably surprise you. Hope he does at any rate .

OP's posts about her son are similar to my ds. He is very bright (confirmed by teacher) but he's struggling to fit in with children very different to the ones he knew previously at nursery and a whole set of rules that seem unclear to him. DS doesn't verbally cheek teachers (just us!) but we have had the teacher speak to us a few times about physical clashes with two other boys which was just totally out of character.

At home though we now have a boy who whines/cries/lashes out/has developed fears (shadows/the dark/being left). Because he gets in such a state he can't be reasoned with so we do 'Magic 1-2-3' which nips the bad behaviour in the bud, and I wondered if it would work for your ds in that it is totally unambiguous and simple for them, but I am also reading 'How to Talk...' to hopefully try and avoid getting to that point in the first place.