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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can any kind soul please do me a quick "Idiot's Guide" to tantrums?

29 replies

IAteMakkaPakka · 21/01/2009 12:46

DS is 18 months and prone to the odd strop, nothing major, just hurling himself on the floor and shrieking for an unspecified period of time.

I tend to act like nothing's happened really, jolly him with something distracting maybe (or just give him whatever he wants in the hope of 5 minutes peace ). However, the last few days have seen a marked increase in frequency and severity of these world-ending hysterical fits. This comes at the same time as he's teething his canines, for some reason has horrendous wind again, is having totally crap night-time sleep, and he also wants to be carried everywhere and held all the time.

So when he's obviously feeling rotten, what do you do? Because mostly he just wants to breastfeed, but if allowed he would actually feed perpetually. He was latched on and sucking in his sleep all night last night. He squeals and shrieks and writhes if he's unlatched. Then we get more of the tantrums. What do we do - give him whatever he wants while he's feeling crap then get tough with him when he's feeling better? And what's the general idea with tantrums - ignore them or reassure them?

Spot the PFB

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HSMM · 21/01/2009 13:03

I ignore tantrums. I go and do something 'exciting' and speak softly while I'm doing it (so they have to shut up to hear what I'm saying). Works for me most of the time, but is much harder if you are also concerned about teething, lack of sleep, etc.

liahgen · 21/01/2009 13:06

tantrums -

Make sure child is safe - Ignore, ignore, ignore.

As hsmm said, do something or at least look as if you're doing something far more interesting.

Repeat, this is a phase

Original poster

IAteMakkaPakka · 21/01/2009 13:51

Thanks. I just want to give him a big cuddle and tell him it's OK but then sometimes maybe he's best left. So hard to know what to do when they don't know what to do with themselves.

OP posts:

PeppermintPatty · 21/01/2009 14:19

Are you supposed to ignore tantrums when they are only 18 months old?

My DD is the same age and also has tantrums. If I ignore her she just gets more and more upset (sometimes I think she's even forgotten why she's having the tantrum in the 1st place). She can carry on for 15 mins if I continue to ignore her.

I feel so bad leaving her there screaming and sobbing

Flier · 21/01/2009 14:56

Hi IateMakkaPakka...well I always tended to (try) to ignore tantrums but if you know that they are feeling unwell etc, then IME I gave lots of cuddles.
In general, though, ignoring works but tickles sometimes works even better - it gets them giggling and gets them out of the doldrums (and you)!

Smee · 21/01/2009 15:00

My DS hated it if I tried to jolly him out of it. Still does actually and any or all attempts to jolly him out of it would cause even more rage. I usually sit nearby to make sure he can't hurt himself and wait until he's calm enough to let me hug him.

millenniumfalcon · 21/01/2009 15:02

rule #1 NEVER give them what they're paddying for
rule #2 distract
rule #3 be quieter than they are, never shout
rule #4 if all else fails ignore - put them somewhere safe and move just out of their sight, not far away, busy yourself with something else, come back to see if they've calmed down regularly

if you decide actually you do want to give them watever it was, wait until they've calmed down, then get them to ask "nicely" (whatever they're capable of, my 20mo manages/understands "pees") for it, then give it.

mynewnickname · 21/01/2009 17:54

In as few words as possible here's my three point plan:
IGNORE, NEVER GIVE IN, PREVENT BY PICKING YOUR BATTLES.

lovelysongbirdie · 21/01/2009 18:08

ignore aand distract

BananaSkin · 21/01/2009 18:38

It is difficult with PFP because there is nothing else to distract you when they are going on. With DS3, unless he is really very distressed (in which case I comfort) I really do tend to try to block them out and get on with the others and he gets over them quickly.

I find that if I give in on something, they come thick and fast - so they need firm boundaries and firmness, but compassion when they are over come by the strength of their feelings.

Lotster · 21/01/2009 19:30

Not sure if you LO is old enough to benefit just yet, but with my 2.5 year old I got a good tip from someone on here, if ignoring isn't working and you do go and talk to them, do it in a really low voice so they have to stop to hear you. Really works some of the time, and even if only for a few seconds at a time, starts to break the tantrum up.

My son can get to headbanging which is when I have stepped in to gently restrain him until he starts to calm, but this is knackering.

Ignoring is what I generally do now, coupled with after a while, the low voice explaining a simple message over and over again until (miraculously) he gets it and suddenly stops or says sorry. Again IMO this is more recent with his age and ability to understand and communicate more.

Good luck anyway!

Lotster · 21/01/2009 19:31

p.s. at around 18 months, distraction with raisins worked quite well too!

millenniumfalcon · 21/01/2009 20:54

would raisins not act as a reward for stroppy behaviour then? the kind of distraction i had in mind is along the lines of minutely examining the wallpaper, works a treat here

meandjoe · 21/01/2009 21:17

my ds does this too makkapaka, i find the more i talk to him the more irate he gets, lashing out and throwing him self around. i try and ignore him and then praise him for calming down when he's finished. sometimes picking him up and taking him through into another room will difuse the situation and take him away from what is peeing him off, other times he just needs to get it out his system. he's 17 months and always is a terrible stropper but x1000 when he's teething or ill/ tired. i find it depends why he's tantrumming, if it's because he wants picking up when he's ill, then fine, i do it, if he's well and he's just doing it because his duplo won't stick together properly then i ignore it!

Ohforfoxsake · 21/01/2009 21:19

Ignore.
Wait for him to finish.
Move on.

meandjoe · 21/01/2009 21:20

oh and rasins/ food don't work for us, he then just carries on tantrumming when he's finished it and strops for more food!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 21/01/2009 21:23

Start singing at the top of your voice and leaping round the living room, waving your arms and shaking your hips in 'funky' dance.

Seriously.

He'll be so astounded, he'll totally forget he was supposed to be having a tantrum.

When all else fails, it's amazing what a bit of total insanity can do.

(And yes, I have done it. )

Lotster · 22/01/2009 10:18

Nice method Hec!

Ref: the raisins, to clarify (now feeling like a raisin-pusher!!): I wouldn't reward stroppy behaviour with them now, because that is what I'd be doing at my son's age, although I do use them to head off a tantrum in a "pick your battles" way.
i.e. if I know I need to leave for nursery in 5 mins and get the feeling he won't want to put his coat on because he's playing and rushing toddlers isn't easy, I might say "Right let's pop your coat on and you can hold some raisins on the way down", works well and keeps him calm and co-operative.

I only suggested it for IateMakkaPakka as her LO is young and for when he is prone to losing it because he is in pain with teething, or poorly etc and can't communicate. Not necessarily cos he's being naughty/stroppy for no reason other than trying it on. Look forward to that though Makka! Tis in the post...

Bink · 22/01/2009 10:25

It's a bit of a sensitive one, but you're probably considering it anyway - but by having him latch on all night long he isn't learning (and hasn't learnt) to self-soothe, which is a truly important skill, I think. And it's, well, quite late to start him learning.

So, once he's over these canines, I would really seriously think about helping him learn to self-soothe - which, basically, means not giving him the thing which he has learned to rely on for comfort.

Self-soothing skills work for daytime tantrums too, by the way - that's how we got over strops with my daughter, whose default setting was that Attention and Coaxing were the only things that would make her feel better - so of course we majored on the applause whenever she got herself out of a strop. (She's 8 now and very nice.)

Smee · 22/01/2009 13:46

If he's not too well - ie canines and tired, then if distraction doesn't work, of course comfort him. Poor kid needs a hug I'd say.
Failing that, put the tv on. Works really well if they're not used to having it on all that often

Original poster

IAteMakkaPakka · 22/01/2009 20:53

Wow, loads of nice responses, thank you!

Hec, I love your idea but he wouldn't be all that astounded given that I am prone to the odd bout of spontaneous gyration once in a while, although it does get a giggle out of him

Bink, he can get himself off to sleep and has been able to since around 11-12 months. But he regresses when he's ill or sore with teething, and sucking seems to be the only thing that really works, for his teeth anyway. It's only during spells of stress that he has the need for frequent night feeds - do you think this is a big problem? Instinctively it seems natural that he relies more on maternal comfort when he's not well. It's not like he can't survive without me - I work full time so he manages fine when I'm not there!

Thanks for all the ideas. He seems at such a tough stage, he's so grown up and perfectly able to put on a huge scene if he wants his own way, but he's also still very much a baby at times.

Anyway, he's developed a rash today, which I suspect is chicken pox. Thankfully he's been in better form today, but how long it will last I don't know!

OP posts:

Flier · 22/01/2009 20:57

ooh! chicken pox! can we have a mini-meet? my two have still to get it! hope ds is okay though

Original poster

IAteMakkaPakka · 22/01/2009 21:03

Hi Flier - we could do - the way he's been recently I'd be tempted just to get DHL to deliver him to you for a few hours while I lay in a dark room recovering

If it is, I would be delighted to share it with you but for the fact I am working this weekend so am stuck until next Wednesday, by which time NHS Direct assures me he will no longer be contagious. Sorry, normally I'd love to share!

OP posts:

Flier · 22/01/2009 21:06

oh well, it obv wasn't meant to be
Hope you and dp have had it?
I suppose at least you know why he has been acting up for you now, though

Original poster

IAteMakkaPakka · 22/01/2009 21:18

DP swears he hasn't had it, but he has had shingles, which I don't think is possible - I suspect he's been one of those lucky ones who don't have symptoms . I had it as a child and vividly remember being lined up naked along with my siblings while mum daubed calamine all over us.

I really hope DP actually has had it because I can't possible deal with a sick toddler, sick DP and work, I just can't! [packs bag and leaves home]

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