Separation anxiety at night - Continue co-sleeping or get tough?

[angel1976]

My almost 11-month-old son has always been an independent little soul. Two weeks ago, he started to get a little separation anxiety i.e. crying when DH or I left the room, stopping very quickly when we came back or spoke to him.

Yesterday was his first settling in session at the nursery and it was okay, he cried a couple of times but nothing unexpected. But the last few nights, his sleep has been getting progressively bad! He's usually a really good sleeper and is a baby that needs his sleep and will settle very quickly if he wakes at night. We thought initially it was because he has decided to give up his morning nap (will not sleep regardless of what we do!) and so his routine timings are a little mixed up. But last night, he was fine till I came to bed (DH is away and he is still in our room though we were planning to move him into his own room this weekend when the blind we have ordered for the window arrives). Then it was up every hour and everytime he settled in my arms, I put him in his cot and he seemed to have gone to bed, only to wake up a little while later screaming.

Finally at 2am I caved and let him sleep next to me and he slept till 7am! Leading me to conclude that he is experiencing separation anxiety at night. Today's session at the nursery didn't go great. I left him for an hour and he was fine for most of it till the end, when I came back, he was sobbing his little heart out but stopped immediately on seeing me. And then he was on and off crying cos he was tired. He is now completely zonked out (in his cot!) and having his afternoon nap.

Has anyone experienced this? I don't want to make the separation anxiety worse so I guess I shouldn't leave him to cry at night? But am I just creating another sleep issue further on letting him sleep in our bed as it is? Should we even contemplate moving him into his own room now? My theory is that he obviously hears me getting into bed by being in the same room, which is why he wakes and wants to be taken into bed. If I move him into his own room, surely that will encourage him to sleep better? But at the same time, is that too many changes to deal with? Any advice appreciated! Thanks!

My DD is not a good sleeper, so feel free to ignore me...

I would move him into his own room as planned, but if he still continues to cry for you at night and will only be settled by a mummy-cuddle I would take him into bed with you, so long as you and your DH agree.

Mmmm sorry but I'm not of the co-sleeping camp. Too many of our friends started this to try to give everyone a bit of peace and quiet and some well needed sleep but have regretted it a few years down the line when their 4/5 year olds are still sloping into bed with them in the night. You need to do what you feel most comfortable with but I've found with my DS that he has gone through phases of this sort of thing which do pass - I've done the going in comforting with a cuddle in the dark and then leaving (even if they cry on and off for a little while) and eventually things get back to where we were........I've found things worse during teething/illness when you might go in and out a few times but again, these things never last long....tough one though.

sorry and I think moving into his own room might help you all. My DS is rubbish if he knows we're in the room with him. He just won't settle as well....why not try it for a week or so - I reckon a week gives you a good idea of where things are going.

co-sleeping is soooooo dangerous, and I think it can cause a lot of problems in the future, with regards to the whole own room and own bed changes.
As for the danger, did you see this yesterday - so sad www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2145554.ece

Just to put the other side of this - we coslept on and off with DS as he was a terrible sleeper. He was in his own room from 6 months but still woke frequently. Taking him into bed with us after the first waking meant that we all got some more sleep. He gradually improved until one morning just before his 2nd birthday we realised that he had slept all night in his own bed. He hasn't been in with us for the past 6 months.

Cosleeping can be done safely - it's more risky if you are a smoker, have been drinking or using drugs (well duh!). We used to put DS in his grobag on top of our covers so that he didn't overheat. I used to sleep curled round him (helped with breastfeeding too) and sometimes DH would decamp to spare room to give him a decent night sleep and us more room.

It sounds like your baby has had a lot going on in his life and just wants a bit of reassurance.

I don't know what to suggest to OP; if it were me I'd bring him in bed with me I think, but my DS is only 7 months and I haven't got much experience to share, just sympathy. I wanted to post something more positive about co-sleeping though - it is not dangerous if done with care - there's some information here
and here.

we still co-sleep (DD is 2;3) but I think we will make changes in the next year. It will be a sad time (separation-wise) but I'm hoping to go back to study this year and think it will be a better situation.

IMO (for what it's worth) is that I think co-sleeping feels very natural for us but understand that everyone is different you have to go with your instincts a bit. My nephew still co-slept til 7yo but now has his own bedroom and is a very well-adjusted young man with excellent social skills, very bright, secure and very popular at school. It seems for some, it is the right way (that is, if you have the stomach for it...)

Good luck with your decision angel

Thanks all! It's good to hear that co-sleeping isn't the start of something bad... I'm not worried about the risk in the sense that I am a light sleeper and DS has slept with us quite a few times and I am fairly positive we are safe. Funnily enough, I come from a culture where co-sleeping is so normal. I co-slept with my grandma till I was fairly big (primary school) and still shared the same room with me in a single bed for ages after that. I'm really well-adjusted! I think I just have to accept that with DS starting nursery and with separation anxiety kicking in big-time, this was NEVER going to be an easy time. I think once I accept that, I will find in easier to go with the flow... My instinct is that we will move him into his own room and hope it all goes well. I do think it's not really helping that we are waking him up and vice versa. Thanks for all your advice. It helps to know I am not the only one! I think DS starting nursery is making me a bit emotional overall.