Tantrums

[EBenes]

I always thought me and dh were great at dealing with tantrums - we always used distraction, it worked a treat. But the last couple of days dd1 has upped the ante, and there have been tantrums both days about going for her bath (loves it when she's in there) and this morning about going to toddler group. It was pouring with rain and I just let her stay home. I have a month old baby, and dd1 is obviously anxious about that, even though I've followed the textbooks for how to integrate them. I don't want to give in to tantrums, but we've started to not be able to head them off, and I thought I'd ask for advice before things get worse.

Have read some threads - choose your battles, etc, but if she asks to go and sit in her bed and read, and doesn't want to go out, and I don't want to drag her while she screams, do I have to give in?

Earlier, she was going to go out and I blew it by insisting she wore her boots rather than her pretty shoes, and that ended up with her insisting on bed. So that was stupid of me, we'd have gone out happily if I'd agreed to the shoes, but I thought it was important not to give in. Then I ended up giving in to the only important thing!

The tantrums don't make me stressed or upset, dh and I are very calm and even amused, but we want to know how to be good parents. Any suggestions?

You don't have to give in; you just have to accept that sometimes a tantrum is inevitable. If you can cope, it does her no harm. My dd had a tantrum a day as a toddler and we all survived.

The health visitor once said to me twice is routine with a young child. I interpret that as if you give in twice to the same thing you're creating a future battle. Surely we all give in sometimes though and its nice to let them feel they have a bit of a say sometimes so long as generally their doing as requested.

I think I've been startled by the intensity of them, and realise that what I thought of as tantrums were minor hissy fits. The bath one two days ago was a full on screaming, sweating, red mist rage. I remember my mum smacking me when I did that and how ghastly that was with us both losing it. I had smugly thought that the smacking was basically the cause of it, so it would never happen with mine. But then you're speaking calmly and sanely to this little bundle of rage and thinking: oh, now what? I feel horrible physically pulling her away from her bed when she's gripping it, or physically dragging her out the door.

I think I have to remember that it won't do any harm. I am grateful for Ant's advice that it's nice that she felt she could have a bit of a say! But basically, this is about me toughing up and not trying to be lovely dream mummy, I think.

With DD (2.8) I tend to just make sure she is safe and let her get on with it. TBH, she's rarely has full blown tantrums but often strops a bit.

I do allow leaway with smaller stuff but she is learning that tantrums/strops don't work. It is tough, especially when she is sobbing and shaking but I know that if I give in she'll just up the ante.

No real advice - just my experience.

Well, if it's any consolation, a tantrum with dd used to be full on screaming, kicking, hitting, trying to bite. And I'm still a dream mummy. No, honestly- I am

Eek! Fortunately that hasn't occurred to her yet! No doubt it will, though.

My mum does a lot of childcare - so there is trouble with consistency, and I can't really come down hard on my mum because she is a) touchy b) indispensible. But, she knows who is who, and so I think it won't be a problem as long as I stick to a line.