Ahhhh - 21 month old gone headlong into terrible twos! Help me please,,.. and help me get perspective!

[BlueBumedFly]

Hello

My DD is 21 months on for the main part very sweet. She has a very good sense of humour but does have the devil in her and she thinks it is sooooo funny. I have two other DDs but they are my step DDs so did not have them until they were 4 and 6, I have not done these years before.

I cannot seem to get her to accept nappy changes, as soon as her nappy is off she legs it and wees on the carpet, putting on clothes is a nightmare, bedtime is worse. She just won't give up whatever she is doing, she runs off all the time with no apparent fear, in fact she is mostly screaching with laughter.

So, whats the best approach? Ignore? But she has to go to bed right, shouting obviously is not the right answer but I am going loopy. I work 4 days as I have to so on a Friday it is back with Mummy and she seems to take great pleasure in driving me mental! She gets lots and lots of attention, toys, books etc. If you say no she either screams, tries to hit me of if I restrain her she will try to bite.

Please tell me I am completely overeacting and this is totally normal. When can I come out from the understairs cupboard?

Bumping for you.

This is totally normal.

There are lots of strategies that work some of the time but nothing works all of the time and the first thing you need to know is that there will be days where you feel like a crap mother with a monster child. this too is normal and like all things - it passes.

Pick your battles is one big technique for me. My dd (21 months next week) has been going to nursery in her wellies for the past two months. I could fight her into her shoes but why would I want to? Her wellies are perfectly serviceable and if she wants to wear then it's easier to get them on her. Her cycle helmet on the other hand is non negotiable so I put it on come what may. Once you've picked your battle never, ever back down.

Distraction is another big thing. SAhe's less likely to run away at changing time if you are making strange popping sounds or blowing raspberries on her tummy.

Clothes flashpoints can sometimes be avoided by discussing carefully what they want to wear and in extreme cases washing and drying the same outfit after they've gone to bed so they can wear it again. This is NOT pandering to them - look at it this way - how would you like it if somebody decided everday what you were going to wear and then forced you into it!

Bedtime is tricky - be clear and honest about whats happening - don't ever try to trick her into complying - it won't work! Use books and cuddles to establish a calming routine amd encourage her indeprdance wherever possible - it's a lot easie to put a toddler to bed when she can get herself undressed, clean teeth etc.

Thanks Northern, I guess I might be trying to 'trick' her in the hope it can get done quicker, will try to be clearer and calmer... you are right, I just feel like a crap mother at the moment!!!

You are not a crap mother - it's just a tricky phase that's all. I totally get what you mean about hoping you can do something quickly - but sometimes with toddlers - there is no quick.

Come on mumsnet - there must be more toddler-savvy people out there!

OK - I feel very ill equipped to offer advice as I have 2-year old twins who are in the midst of their terrible 2s and frequently feel like a crap mother .

But what I've found works - definitely pick your battles (I mentally say in my head 'what is the worst that could happen?'). My non-negotiables are around safety and not hurting each other. Then I'm just firm (try not to) shout and say there are no other choices - it's worked pretty well re.holding hands across the road for example - they now offer their hands whereas previously I was having to pick them up (kicking!) to stop them running straight across.

Ignoring bad (but not dangerous) behaviour e.g. tantrums, screaming to get attention, whining (which is my personal fingers on the blackboard!).

Clothes - definitely options (and trying not to flinch when they choose something completely inappropriate and look like a mini style disaster!). Worst case scenario - pyjamas to nursery (they've seen it all before!). Is there anything she particularly likes to wear? My dd will only wear pink dresses at the moment so that's all I offer.

Nappy changing - can you give her a bit of time without her nappy on somewhere where weeing is less of an issue (I used to be so proud of my carpets I wouldn't even let people wear shoes inside - now.......). Or try nappies with pictures on & make a big deal of wearing 'tigger' nappies.

Bed time - for me has always been non negotiable because I am desperate for them to go to bed by 7pm! A routine - talking about what will heppen next (we'll do this for 5 mins then you can choose a book to read in bed). And I ignore any low level wingeing and go up if there seems to be a real problem but put them straight back into bed if they get out. They are really good at this to be fair I think because I've always been consistent - they have never come downstairs after bed time unless they are ill. But that's a twin thing - it's my recovery (wine) time .

Not sure how useful this is, but completely second what northern lurker says - you are not a crap mother. We all feel like that sometimes and just the fact that you are worrying about how you interact together shows how great you are. And sometimes it's just really hard and not loads of fun, but that's parenting!

thank you guys, that has made me feel much better, it does seem futile arguing with a baby after all!!