So worried about DD who keeps saying she hates her "fat" tummy - what do we do/say? Sorry long one coming up

[BadgerQueen]

My DD, 5, keeps saying that she wishes she was thin and hates her fat tummy. Its been going on a while and we don't seem able to convince her that she is fine. The ridiculous thing is that she is very tall and slender (118cm I think) - but has a little pot belly sometimes. We tell her she is lovely (obviously I think she is gorgeous, and its breaking my heart that she is even thinking about this already) and just right and even if she were fat it doesn't matter as looks are not important. I know we shouldn't react. But i am winding myself up into believing that this is the begining of an eating disorder and we are living in fear of her making a link between food and body shape. She is a very orderly little thing and bright and likes things to be under control all of which makes me convinced that food is going to become a bigger and bigger issue.

She is also not a great eater and supper is becoming more and more of an issue and I really want to sort this so that we are not making food a problem. We have always encouraged her to eat to be strong and healthy and help her brain grow and she responds well to that kind of thing (she likes the science of what food does to your body).She eats best when her Dad is there and we all sit down for a meal - but this isn't viable in the week. When its just me we end up fighting, counting mouthfuls and finally me feeding her.

So:

1. Can any one help me with positive reinforcement and pride in her shape and the way she is?
2. What are your strategies for getting them to eat well?

BTW I am fine about my body and have a pretty positive body image, I have always been lucky and can eat what I like and don't really care what shape i am. She however doesn't like my post baby tummy and has pointed it out several times saying yuck its fat. Where is this coming from?

My DD who is 6 also has the same problem and constantly talks about her friends and who is thin or fat. im not sure on how to handle it either and cant find any litreture on this problem.
It didnt help that a friend of hers called her a little fatty even though she isnt just sometimes gets a pot belly after food.

All im doing is constantly telling her how lovely she is and not mentioning the word fat in the house if possible.

Good Luck and hopefully its just a faze xx

Little 5yo's are meant to have a little pot belly!

I know it's hard, but you do have to make mealtimes not a battleground. Does she go to school? How does she get on at dinnertime there? Could you invite some good eaters round for tea?

Although I have no advice, I really feel for you and your DD. I have DTs who are only 17mo now but I really fear for them in the future with all the pressure that society puts on women to be thin.

I will watch with interest to see if anyone has any tips on how to deal with this, as I imagine it will be an increasingly popular problem for a lot of people.

I love her little pot - that's what makes it so hard. We can't not use the word fat though - doesn't that make it taboo or give it too much weight? Actually at the moment it gets used a lot in a positive context as we have a very nicely tubby 7 month old.

But how do you not make meals a fight Big tilly? Is it okay that she only ate her bread yesterday? Do we just let her eat what she wants? We are going to try smaller portions and also just ending the meal after 20mins rather than dragging out every mouthful.

She is at school but its hard to gauge what she is eating. In a funny way she is a great eater if she is in the mood - but that's only every 100 days! Maybe she is eating a lot at lunch and then isn't so hungry for supper.

Just some ideas, we have had some of this with DD. I think you're making way too much issue out of how much she eats. Give her some control back.

Nobody has the perfect body, all females find something they don't perfectly like. When she comments on your tum You can reply "Yes, it isn't the prettiest, but it doesn't bother me, it's okay the way it is." (This models good self-esteem in spite of not looking perfect yourself).

Does she have strong legs and arms and a clever brain? Keep talking about what's good about what our bodies can do, not what's less than perfect (in her eyes). Little children love what they can do with their bodies (climb, run, etc.). Keep that love alive. You can't be fit and strong and be an anorexic.

Tell her that people get fat because they sit around too much and don't eat the right balance of foods; focus on the right balance in the diet rather than the total amount she eats or individual foods. Occasionally mention that eating the right balance of foods, and keeping active, is what keeps people from getting flabby and tired and too fat. Being flabby/tired/fat/too skinny are not fun things.

Point at other little girls -- do they have pot bellies? Don't they look okay, anyway?

Dairy - the minefield of what they look like is so complicated and it starts so young - I really could bin all the tiny waisted big boobed Polly Pockets we got her for Christmas. She had a phase where she was already quite concerned with being blond and pale skinned and how marvelous that is and even went so far as to tell me that my dark skin and dark hair really wasn't as nice - but we seem to have got passed that. I have always been pretty comfortable about my hairy, wobbly, speccy no-boobed self - largely due to my step-mum who despite being a gorgeous blonde herself was relentlessly positive about me, how I looked and who I was - but why am I not able to do this for my beautiful girl? I am trying to get DH to pay some obvious complements about what he likes about me in front of her to reinforce the idea that you are loveable for who you are in any form.

This is difficult, isn't it. I think those with dds (me included) feel worried about this, and legitimately so, IMO

I'm not sure what I'd do, tbh. I have a 5yr old dd. We don't use the word 'Fat' in the house. I don't go on about my weight, we don't have scales, I'm not on diets or anything like that. We all eat the same stuff at mealtimes. I limit sugary crap but will say it's because we need to look after our teeth properly rather than mention weight (I'm not implying you don't do these things, just saying what I do )

Re the "fat tummy" thing, I think I'd be inclined to play it down and try and really minimise it as an issue for her. Try and not really pay any attention to it...i.e, simply say "No, dd, you haven't got a fat tummy you've got a normal shaped tummy" or something like that, then change the topic

Re mealtimes, I'd go back to basics really. Manage her food refusals the way you would with a toddler. If she refuses, take it away, no fuss. I'd be wary about forcing it, or counting mouthfuls, or feeding her - these are quite controlling things to do - and as you say she has a 'controlling' aspect to her personality, I'd want to avoid reinforcing this (esp with regard to food). Don't set mealtimes up as a battleground now, as in the future it could be a real issue and one that she exerts her control over.

Sorry for the waffle! Good luck

Sorry for over

Their appetites fluctuate a lot when they have growth plateaus, they go thru phases when they don't eat much.

Also, I think you're making a connection here that your DD doesn't really understand: between being fat and what she eats. Honestly, I am pretty sure that most children don't understand it at all. Kids eat what they feel like having, they live in the moment. They don't plan ahead in general, they don't really think "If I skip tea my tummy will be smaller tomorrow" ....

Okay, maybe it's just my kids, but honestly, DD (7, quite bright) just wouldn't plan so much ahead (thinking like an adult), even if she wanted to shrink her tum. She'd just think "Yuck! Mum is giving me courgettes again!" or "Yum, pizza!" DD's brain wouldn't stretch to thinking about 3 things at once, how much she eats depends on her overall mood exactly at the moment when she sees the plate, and what's on the plate.

lljk - the olympics were great this summer for doing what you say. Seeing lots of really strong women did impress her - maybe I'll try and revive that - she was quite keen to do 'running and leaping' in the 2012 olympics! I know that I am making too much of meals, but its got into such a muddle its really hard to pull back and relax.

I know she hasn't made the connection...yet. But is it okay for her just to eat the carbs and no veg every meal?

To try and diffuse this before it really DOES become an issue, I would concentrate on making mealtimes as stress-free as possible

• Cook a meal you know ordinarily she will eat

• Sit down to eat it with her as normal

• DON'T talk about food/eating it all/trying some veg etc etc AT ALL throughout the meal

• Try and be all light-hearted and chilled out

• If she starts fannying around, ignore it. If she refuses to eat it, simply take it away (like you would with a toddler)

I'd give very small portions of everything - plenty of veg plus other stuff.

Like everyone says, just make it as chilled as possible, and if she doesn't eat no big deal - take the plate away.

Try not to give snacks between meals if she is not eating her meals and then she will be hungrier for the meal

Can / do you sit down and chat with her while she eats?

In my personal experience eating disorders are about control not necessarily about fatness, well it was in my case. So I would agree that not making a huge issue out of meals and mouthfuls is a good idea. Can she help prepare food? Is there anything you can do to help her feel more in control?

She does help sometimes but has lost interest since she is tired after school. She has just given me an account of a huge lunch she ate (unprompted btw) today which is positive and we are resolved not to say anything this meal time. Control is a big thing for me and her, so will really try to back off.