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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

bad influence friend at school

14 replies

hoarsewhisperer · 13/01/2009 17:03

please help. My ds1 who is nearly 6 has a friend at school who is quite simply a bad influence on him. They whisper to each other, and h e tells my son to do naughty things which he will do. Problem is this boy is the son of a friend and while we have told them that if they are naughty they wont be able to play together, and i have asked shcool not to let them sit together, I cant get more insistent about it. I really want to know how to teach him to be his own boy, and ignore the suggestions of his friend. He tells me "i try to be good, but x makes me naughty"....

i dont want to have to ask for my son to be moved to another class to get away from this boy as they will meet in the layground anyway, and the issue is getting him to learn to be his own person....

any ideas?

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brainfreeze · 13/01/2009 17:06

Are you sure it's 'x' making him naughty ??? I work in a school and if I had a pound every time a child came out with this line, I wouldn't have to work anymore

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 13/01/2009 17:07

My DS (7) is encouraged at home and school to see that he has choices i.e he does not have to join in bad behaviour. Praise your son for making the right choice, and encourage more suitable friendships.

Naughty kids are attractive though, as they seem exciting. I remember a kid in my class like that, and everyone wanted to be his friend!

Original poster

hoarsewhisperer · 13/01/2009 17:12

oh - i am sure that it is in the majority the friend, he is definitely the ringleader, although mine is also no saint. I keep telling him, "but you are not x, and i dont want you to behave like that". Today they threw a traffic cone into someones garden after school, so we (the mothers) said, "that's it - you are not playing together until you learn to behave". They were having dinner at our house last week together and the ther boy was constantly whispering at ds, "do this, do that etc etc"...ds then totally ignores me.
my ds is the eldest child while, the other boy is the youngest of 4, so i guess he is trying to be the big boy and the ringleader.....

god - i never realised being a parent would be so sodding stressful

OP posts:

brainfreeze · 13/01/2009 17:18

This is only the start of it .... school brings a whole new different aspect to parenting. I am also a mum of 2 and I have never experienced stress, anger, frustration and hurt as much as I have since my children were put in the public domain (school, I mean).

They will learn from influences (bad or good) when they are mature enough to understand ... until then, it's one big hard learning curve. Good luck and hold tight !!

Original poster

hoarsewhisperer · 13/01/2009 17:20

thanks brain freeze....any tips (apart from me imbibing large amounts of alcohol!!!)

OP posts:

ellideb · 13/01/2009 17:29

How about punishing him whenever he does something wrong even when he says 'but x made me do it' because at the end off the day he is his own person and should learn that no-one can 'make' him do something. He has to learn to be responsible for his own mistakes.

(Ahh it's all so easy to advise from afar!, Dreading my 4mth old getting to this age!)

cory · 13/01/2009 17:30

'X makes me naughty' sounds a bit like he expects you to absolve him if he blames his friend; I would tell him calmly that if he behaves badly, he will get punished anyway

brainfreeze · 13/01/2009 18:00

My biggest tip to you is be your child's biggest fan ... they will get criticised left, right and centre and you need to ensure you don't add to it - even when they are driving you M A D !!!

Original poster

hoarsewhisperer · 13/01/2009 18:13

Oh...I am his biggest fan and he knows it. I just tell him that when he is naughty it makes me sad, and he hates that. I praise him to the heavens when he is good. Bad behaviour equals being sent to coventry or withdrawal of treats and privlidges. Its just so hard to teach them a perspective. The problem is that ds is not doing brilliantly at school, partly because he gets distracted by all the noise and activity going on round him. At this stage it is still really kindergarten (we live overseas) and there is a bilingualism factor at play, but next year he has to be able to keep up with the class.
Maybe my friend and I can sit down and work out a dual approach....

OP posts:

vess · 14/01/2009 06:15

Well I tell by DS that doing something naughty because someone makes you is actually WORSE! Not only you're naughty but you're showing that you can't even think for yourself!

I only have to hope it works

seeker · 14/01/2009 07:23

"Today they threw a traffic cone into someones garden after school"

This might be a very silly question with a very obvious answer, but why didn't you stop them?

Original poster

hoarsewhisperer · 14/01/2009 09:04

why did they throw a traffic cone...??

It was in the bushes next to the path to school (not on the road), they saw it, we didn't....until they had thrown it over the fence...we thoughtthey were running thruogh the bushes to the end of the path...

OP posts:

seeker · 14/01/2009 10:36

Would it have been possible to take them round and make them knock on the door and apologize?

I have to say, I'm afraid, it all sounds pretty normal - particularly for boys at this age. He's only little - be firm and consistent and things will improve.

GooseyLoosey · 14/01/2009 10:47

I often worry that ds is seen as a trouble maker and other parents encourage their children to avoid him. He is 5 and very Alpha male. I hope they don't - this is his personality and he is disciplined for his own behaviour but I do not hold him responsible for the actions of others and I hope other parents don't. I would never accept a defence from dc that someone else had told him to do something.

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