Attachment issues! (Mine or theirs, I'm not sure...!)

[toyeatingtookle]

Hi everyone

I'm new to mumsnet as of 10 minutes ago!

I'm not sure where to start as I feel like once I start I mightn't stop, but here goes. I'll try and go the less scenic route.

We have 2 daughters - one who is 3 1/2, one who is just turned 2. I'm a stay at home mum, slightly shell shocked admittedly even though both pregnancies were planned, now on prozac and having counselling which is helping to deal with some of the weird thoughts and issues I have.

I guess I'm quite clingy with them both as I'm with my kids all the time, even though they drive me mental these days. My eldest though has been clingy ever since the minute she was born, and is sensitive and quite difficult at times, although can be lovely.

My eldest has been doing afternoons at nursery since September 08, and my youngest started playgroup on Monday, which is for a couple of hours on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Since Monday I have been in shreds. My littlest - who was always the hardy one, smiley and undemanding most of the time, just needed a bit of attention while I got her settled at playgroup. She played fine, but my eldest who I had to take along too with me whined and whined about the horrible boys and girls until the leader said maybe if I took my eldest home, the little one seemed fine. So I did.

My dad came through to look after my eldest while I picked the youngest up, and my littlest had apparently been crying most of the time, she was burning up and in hysterical tears when I picked her up. The playgrou pleader said this is quite normal. I felt bad for havnig to leave her because of my eldest playing up and not having chance to settle her in properly.

I then took my eldest to nursery in the afternoon and she would not go. She clung onto my leg and I really struggled to think of a way to get her to come round. I stayed for a while and eventually persuaded her to let me go home to get our youngest to sleep, and I said I would be back for her. My husband picked her up later on and the teacher said she'd been ok.

Today, I took my eldest to nursery and she again was hysterical, worse than yesterday. The teacher said it was best to just leave her, and took her off me while she was screaming for a cuddle. When I spoke to one of the other teachers, she said that my little girl had an almightly tantrum yesterday and was kicking out at the teachers, she had to be left on her own to calm down as she was being so aggressive. She has NEVER done that before with other people!

I'm in bits this afternoon. The teacher said it could be that she feels frustrated because she's stuck indoors, but it's odd that she's never done this before. I can't help thinking it might be to do with the littlest starting playgroup.

I just feel it's all my fault, a useless mother as I can't seem to manage things like this. I just want to take them home and say stuff it all. I know that this is the completely wrong thing to do though, but the other option of leaving them mid cry makes me feel so heartless.

Has anyone else had any similar problems? Is there anything in that lot that anyone can pinpoint and say aha...it's probably such and such?

I feel so bad that my little girls are so miserable and useless that I can't seem to help them. I really don;t want to leave them without saying goodbye as a friend suggested. My eldest did enjoy nursery but has never really mixed with the kids there, although she has a couple of good friends who live locally who go to different nurseries who she plays fine with.

Sorry to waffle on. I just don;t know what to do next. I'm DREADING tomorrow as the littlest is at playgroup for her second attempt and then I have to take my eldest to nursery again. I just feel like running away!

All advice is very welcomed. Sorry for any typos or nonsense, I'm rushing to get it typed before the youngest wakes up!
Best wishes everyone

Welcome to mumsnet! I don't really have any advice as my DD is younger, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You don't sound like a useless mother, you sound lovely and caring. I'm sure someone knowledgeable will be along in a minute to give you some good advice.

Bumping for the evening crowd.

No advice
Some children just aren't ready to be left at such a young age. When DS first went to playgroup (at nearly 3), the staff said as he clung to me crying and had to be prised off that that was normal and he'd be fine. I said that I would be in the next room. 10 minutes later they came to get me - and I spent a term sitting in the corner trying to be really boring so that DS would go and play away from me.
I realise with 2 of them that this is not an option. Just trying to say that you're not a rotten Mum - and some children just need more time. It's difficult!

Hi there Toy and welcome to mumsnet. Sorry I can't offer any practical advice apart from reading your post, is there any chance that your eldest could swap her nursery to be with her friends? It may settle her a bit more. Also to say you sound like a lovely mum.

Hi Toy, welcome to mumsnet! First of all you can't be a useless mother because if you were you wouldn't give too hoots about any of this, but your DDs health and happiness seems of utmost importance to you so you are far from being useless. I can only offer you my experience, which is when DD started day nursery when she was exactly 2, she took about a month to really settle in and she goes twice a week like your youngest DD. She would really cry when it came to leaving her, and I would walk home feeling like the worst mother in the world so I would say that your feelings are normal in that respect. DD is now 2.7 and although she really adores nursery, she still has the odd week where she is difficult about going, it just comes in phases. I would say trust your instinct and if you think your older DD's reaction to nursery is something to do with the younger one starting playgroup then sit tight and ride it out if you can, and it is really difficult. My personal opinion is that I couldn't ever leave without saying goodbye so I identify with your feelings there.

Thanks for the advice and lovely welcome everyone!

It's comforting to hear that it's not just my kids. I sometimes feel like I'm the only mum having this, all the others seem to say ooooh, mine just run off and don't look back, etc etc.

I tried a slightly different tack today - my dad took my eldest at 8am this morning to show him how to plant lettuce seeds (ahem) as she's obviously the best person for the job. The intention was to make it look like she was doing something really special because she's a big girl.

Then I got dd2 ready, took her to playgroup ,spent a good 20 minutes getting her settled (which wasn't working) and then once they got the biscuit tin out, I managed to sort of go with a quick bye between screams (hers, not mine I hasten to add. Although I felt like it!).

I did stay by the back door and it did go quiet eventually. It sounded like someone trying to restrain somebody having a breakdown though

They said they'd ring if she didn't stop and so I'm sat with the phone, waiting to pick her up at 11.30! There's a new lady started who's training in childcare and seems fab, so I'm hoping she practices all her techniques on my little one as she seems to know her stuff.

I just have to try and drop my eldest off this afternoon and try and help her settle without the traumatic scenes we've had.

A friend pointed out that it was probably because she didn't understand why I stayed with dd2 at playgroup for a while and yet I drop her at nursery and leave her. I leave her because I can though, she's usually raring to go! I can see how that would make her confused and feel wobbly though.

God did I need that bottle of wine last night.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for the words of comfort, it's given me that burst of enthusiasm and confidence I very much needed!

Best wishes to everyone