clingy baby - any advice?

[LizC]

My dd is nearly 1 year old now and won't let me leave the room without her. I know this is a common stage, but it's been going on now for 4-5 months and it's beginning to drive me mad. I wondered if anyone had any tips to try and help 'train' her to play on her own again even for a short time (she used to do this)?

She's not a typically clingy baby - she's very active and sociable and happy to play with other babies, even older children. She's fine to leave at nursery for her 3 days a week and generally happy to go to anyone, so I would have said she's outgoing (not like her parents). When she was younger I always used to leave her to play on her own for short periods of time but at about 7 months ish she wouldn't be left any more. This was about the time she started crawling and also when she swapped to a different nursery, which had newly opened up and so there weren't too many children and she got lots of one to one attention (still does really, compared to most nurseries - it's lovely for her, but not sure if this isn't perhaps the root of our problems).

I know I should maybe accept this as a phase, but it seems like it will never end and, if anything, things have got worse. She doesn't just winge if I leave the room but is absolutely beside herself until I come back - whether I've gone for 5 seconds or 5 minutes! I can't even go to the loo and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on things I could do to 'wean' her back into being happy to be left to play on her own for short periods, as I don't know any other babies the same age who are like this!

My dd, now near 3 has been thru this on & off since around 7 months, I just give in & take her everywhere with me most of the time as she got too upset. As time has gone, we get periods when she isn't so bothered, then she'll revert.
She certainly won't listen to reason so I just try & live with it.
She has to just cry round my parents now as my dad was not very happy when she insisted on going to the loo with him & then told him he had a funny willy.

very funny - my dh will probably refuse to allow her into the bathroom with him now! (By the way do you know what LOL means? Is it lots of laughs or something?)

On the down side, it's rather depressing to think she might still be like this when she's 3! I do try to take her everywhere with me, as I can't face the screaming when I don't. However, it still means I can't do anything - even if I try to make myself a coffee and take her with me to the kitchen, even give her some toys to play with on the kitchen floor, she'll maybe play for a minute then will crawl up to me and cry to be picked up as she sees that I'm doing something that doesn't involve her. Means I can't cook or do any housework until she goes to bed at night. So I would like to try some sort of strategy to help her start to be able to play on her own sometimes - just not sure what

My ds (now 2) was like this for about 5-6 months from the age of 13 months, and like you, it drove me up the wall. We called her 'limpet child'.

However, she has got so much better over the last 4-5 months, that she might be a different child. I do remember wondering if it was ever going to get better though.

Some of the things I tried were:

Spending a few mintues showing her how to play with whatever toy she was interested in, then moving away to sit down. I didn't make a big thing of moving away (for example saying, "Right now mummy's going to have a cup of tea" - as I used to do, since that always seemed to remind her that I wasn't playing with her anymore. I just quietly withdrew (although at first I had to stay within sight). I realised that in the spirit of letting her discover her own imagination, I had been guilty of sometimes not showing her how to play. We tend to assume that babies will discover things for themselves.

I found this quite hard to do as the temptation was to rush off and do a few chores, or pop to the loo, but gradually I found she became more and more happy to sit and play for a while by herself. It might have been a question of only 10-15 minutes, but it seemed a breakthrough for me.

The other thing I did was make sure that I spent regular 20-30 minute periods throughout the day focussed entirely on her. I am quite an extrovert person, and love going out for coffee mornings, but I suddenly realised that although we were together for the whole day, I was perhaps not spending that much time just with her. My daughter seemed happier to let me do my own thing every so often, if we'd spent some time reading together or building towers etc.

My last point though is that you shouldn't beat yourself up about this. I think it's something that is common with most eldest children (have I interpreted your circumstances right?). It's at about this age that they start to become aware that you are a separate person from them, and the constant need to check you're there is part of the (albeit uncomfortable) separation process.

PS I'm tremendously impressed that your ds does so well being at nursery 3 days a week. I put off sorting out childcare until my ds was 2 as I was so worried about the clingyness. Interestingly she took to it no problems this year. I suspect she might not have done so if we'd tried 6 months ago.

Good luck

I wouldn't describe my ds as clingy but he definitely doesn't like me doing things in the kitchen without him and clamours to be picked up. I've found that sitting him up in his chair where he can see what's going on helps.
I presume your dd isn't walking yet - it will probably be easier once she is and can choose to follow you around more easily.

LizC

i could have written your post myself, several months ago!!
We've been through the clingy phase, and as you know already, it DOES go, only you never know until it's over!!
DD was exactly the same and even worse on one occasion when we went on holiday with my mum and I spent the whole week on the beach with her attahced to me koala bear style, I went home with tanned feet, legs and arms and this huge white shape on my dorso.....I couldn't even have a shower ands she'd always loved being with my mum!!

Once they start walking it does get easier, because they follow around and have lots more of exploring to do!! I also noticed a big improvement when she finally started understanding my words, so she knew I was going to the loo or whatever.

DD was also going to nursery (very happily) 3 mornings a week but taht did not make any difference in her behaviour.

I'm sorry I don't really ahve much advice, only the reassurance that it will go, I've seen the clingiest of babies (a friend's baby) finally learn to let go, so don't despair!!!!

Didn't mean to make it seem that it will never end, mine is probably the clingiest child I know & won't go to nursery without me...will have to try to get tough at some stage but I prefer her to feel secure - when I left her a couple of times she became impossible for weeks-totally fearful of being left.
Anyway, what I meant to say was it isn't generally a problem now, as long as she knows where I am she doesn't need to be there (in the house at least). It doesn't get me down any more...for now.

Didn't mean to make it seem that it will never end, mine is probably the clingiest child I know & won't go to nursery without me...will have to try to get tough at some stage but I prefer her to feel secure - when I left her a couple of times she became impossible for weeks-totally fearful of being left.
Anyway, what I meant to say was it isn't generally a problem now, as long as she knows where I am she doesn't need to be there (in the house at least). It doesn't get me down any more...for now.

Sorry, logged me off. LOL=laugh out loud I believe.

Thanks for all the tips - I think perhaps I will just have to bear with it for the moment and get through it. It's good to know that everyone has come through this stage in the end and I'll try some of your tips Utka about helping her to play on her own. To be fair, in the last few weeks she has got better about playing on her own as long as I'm in the room and she can come up and interact with me every few minutes. I'll perhaps try and get her used to playing with me nearer and nearer to the door (she currently starts crying even if there's a vague hint that I might be heading for the door)!

Got my hopes pinned on when she starts walking now! She's nearly a year old (and yes she is the only one), so maybe in a month or two (she's not interested in walking at the moment as she can crawl at top speed, so a way to go yet).

LizC

One other thought... if she seems to be concerned you may be about to pop off somewhere, have you tried playing lots of 'peekaboo' type games? It occurs to me that we've done quite a lot of this over the last 6 months (hiding behind furniture, under towels or scarves). If she gets used to you disappearing and then reappearing again, it may make her feel more comfortable about you popping to the loo. She's obviously happy for you to go off for an entire day, maybe it's the odd 10-15 minutes that's the problem!!

Utka - thanks for this. We do play peekaboo quite a lot, but more with clothes and towels etc. (when I'm dressing her), so I'll try and do it perhaps round the lounge door and sofa to see if that helps me work towards getting out of the door!

As you say, it is a bit of a strange clinginess as she's quite happy to be left at nursery (although started nursery at 6 months, before this stage really started) and be left with my mum etc. and she's quite sociable - it's only really a problem at home.

I wouldn't count on her getting any better when she walks. The sluglet will bang on the door and wail pittifully when I go to the toilet. My other option is to close the door but not shut it properly. Inevitably the door will be flung open just like something from the Wild West and the sluglet will swagger in and proceed to play with the tiolet paper. Sometimes you just can't win.

IMHO I think you are both doing really well to get her to stay at Nursery 3 days. In many ways it is a compliment that she wants to spend all her time with you, frustrating though I know it is . dd (19mnths) has been similar since about 5 months, and I'm afraid we have yet to really break out of it. She will now play happily on her own at home and wander off to a different room though. Recently she has been happier staying at home occasionally with other, familiar people so I suppose it is getting better. Next step is to leave her elsewhere more regularly - we shall see how it goes. It didn't really help when she learnt to walk as the noise of protests just followed me around !!

Proof that each child is different - her brother never really protested when left with anyone and would play happily on his own from an early age !

You do have my sympathies but am not sure if there are any real strategies to change it apart from what you already seem to be doing. Do bear in mind though that it won't be too long before you have the opposite problem and you may yet come to yearn for these days!!

slug, ds also likes to follow me to the loo(!) - I am used to just leaving the door open now. I didn't really mean that the need to be close would diminish when walking started, just that I think it gets easier when they can at least pootle after you under their own steam, rather than you having to lug them around from room to room! I think ds has got less panicky too about me disappearing into another room, knowing that he can come and find me very easily.

As a childminder of 12 years andd over 40 children I can assure you that this phase WILL pass! It may take a long time, but things do get much easier. Some children are much more upset than others when I leave the room, even momentarily, but they all get over it and you forget they were ever like it (til the next one starts and reminds you)! Childminders are not able to take 3 under 5's to the loo with them (my loo wouldn't be big enough!), so ensure they are safe before you go, tell them you'll be straight back and go on your own. They may scream, but you will be back very shortly, and they will gradually get used to it!