Is it possible for a child's brain to function so quickly that they are unable to remember what mischief (small, ie, shouting out in class) they have been up to at school if they are not told within a few hours?

[scrooged]

Or does ds (age 9) lie do you think? He is a very, very bright boy and is very quick to learn and move on. He's had a problem for many years, this being that he can't remember what he's been doing to get himself in trouble from the teachers. It's not major things but I can see why they cause problems; a joke here and there, forgetting to put his hand up. The teacher assumes he knows what he's done but I'm not convinced as he's always been like this. He's so quick off the mark and ready to move on to new things. I'm trying to help him think about his actions but I only get 'ds shouted out' (all the others in the class do this apparantly according to ds) but no other details so I'm getting stuck with how to support the school. I'm being told after a week aswell which isn't helpful.

Any ideas? TIA.

I think that your ds is quite old enough to understand what he has done, unless he has special needs. Being bright is no excuse for being distruptive.

Prehaps you need to have a discussion with your son's teacher to see how best to support him/her.

The only way that (IMO) your child's intelligence is linked to poor behaviour is that they may be bored or frustrated.

In six years of teaching I have never come across a very clever child who forgot they had been naughty.

Sorry, I'm not using it as an excuse. I know that there is no excuse, however, he is like the energiser bunny on red bull sometimes IYKWIM. He can very easily get carried away. If he's told what he's done and why he shouldn't have done it (he doesn't always need talking through things), he normally gets it and doesn't repeat. The teacher doesn't do this though. It's almost like his head runs ahead the rest of him.

Agree with Reallytired.

My dd is an energiser bunny and does get carried away, although she does it at home and not school. She does not forget being naughty though.

My ds teacher told me my son was "horrendus" today, but DS insists he had a fantastic day (ie - behaviour wise). I think he has a selective memory.

He's not naughty as in the sense of hitting someone, it's forgetting to put his hand up when he's asking/answering a question, today he passed a drawing he made for someone to them in class. More a PITA then naughty. I talk to him about these but sometimes he just has no idea.

They send me a weekly report at the beginning of the following week so I can see what he's been up to and chat to him about it. I do this but it can be hard when he doesn't have a clue. He does remember most of them, just not what he may have said that's rude. I did think he's got a selective memory but this has been going on for years (5 years), he's consistent and gets really upset that he doesn't know.

I think it's less about remembering specific incidents and more about learning good classroom behaviour. If he is constantly shouting out etc then of course he won't remeber every incident. But it doesn't mean he can't work on puttinghis handd up to anset a question and not answering back or what-have-you. In fact, if it is a general problem I wouldn't focus on specific incidents. It's just re-inforcing the negative. Go over with him what he should do if he knows the answer to a question, or of the teacher tells him off about something. Give him a plan for appropriate behaviour.

One of DS teachers once said something to me that made so much sense: "Of course he would lie about his silly behaviour, why on earth would he want to tell the truth when he knows that it will only lead to Mum being disappointed in him?"

It was one of those lightbulb moments for me!

I am not saying that your son does lie, but if he does, there is a very good reason for him to "forget" his actions!

I agree with everyone who has said that you need to foster better links with your son's teacher.

He does know what he should be doing. I've gone over it so many times. There are other children in his class doing the same things, I keep telling him that he needs to think about what he's doing and not them. I feel as if I'm not getting anywhere. He didn't do this at his last school, he moved there in September, as did most of his class, but it's like he's regressed into how he was in reception. He is slowly getting better but it's frustrating as he's behaving in a way he didn't before. I keep discussing what he should be doing and talking to him about things in a way which backs up the teachers and makes him think about why he got himself into trouble rather then the 'I don't know why I was told off'. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing though, he does think about how he got into trouble but it's too late then. I'm finding it hard to get him to think before he does something/say's something. He can be so quick, I wasn't sure if this is what the problem could be.

Ahh, that's it! Thanks cat. His dad's like this too. He can sit and concentrate, he works really well on whatever interests him, I think the impulsiveness kicks in when he's doing lesson's he's not really interested in. I want to be able to help him. He's fine at home. I do get the occasional joke/laugh for no reason though.

scrooged - we have similar boys, I think, though our school problems may be bigger than yours.

We went to see someone knowledgeable who specifically said that forgetting/not being able to recall the details of an incident is significant - as nearly all children of this age will internalise & be able to recount exactly what they did wrong, and if they can't, then it ipso facto shows that at some level they somehow don't quite 'get' what's going on. (It's not an intelligence issue as such - our ds is apparently a bright chap too - it's more a social norms instinct issue.)

We deal with ds at the moment by having him carry around with him his own report book, which he keeps, assessing his own behaviour, lesson by lesson. The self-micro-management principle seems to have been the breakthrough for ds.

I don't want to go on & on tediously - do a search on my name if you want to know more

all the best, & bon courage - it's tough

Thanks Blink. ds is good socially, however, this has not always been the case. He' only just begun to internalise his behaviour so he is getting there. The report card the teacher sends at the end of the week isn't bad but there are a few impulsive actions that would make ds's and the teachers life a bit easier if we could get rid of.

So this report card you get at the start of the next week details every midemeanour he has done during the previous week? Some things could have taken place A WEEK ago - how is he going to remember exactly what he has done when it could be days later? I can't remember stuff from that long ago never mind a 9 y o. Saying that my DS who has Aspergers does 'forget' some of the things he has done 'wrong' and I think it happens because he doesn't want to behave badly and when he does he prefers to forget it or make it different as his self esteem is so fragile being naughty just makes it worse and it is a self preservation thing for him. He is EXCEPTIONALLY bright and this happens.

What exactly is the purpose of this report? If it is things he has done in school surely they will have dealt with the behaviours in line with their behaviour policy? Surely they are not expecting you to punish him at home as well - double punishment. And I'm not sure what they expect you to do about calling out/not behaving in a way that conforms to school rules etc etc? Do you have 30 children in your lounge that you can recreate the classroom scenario and explain to him where he is going wrong? Sure you can have a talk about what is expected and possible tactics when he is under pressure but punishing him again at home is just a bit OTT isn't it?

What are the school doing to manage it? If they are struggling then they should be calling in the Ed Psych, Behaviour Support etc etc. He has only just moved school hasn't he? That's a massive upheaval for him to cope with and no wonder his behaviour has regressed. He is on shaky ground trying to find his feet in a new environment and all his routine has changed - some children can take a long time to adapt to their new environment and learn (or even re-learn) appropriate classroom behaviour at a new school.

Just a few rambling thoughts - sorry went on a bit!

It was origionaly set up so they could send home notes to me to let me know how he was getting on with the other children in the class and the staff as he can be abrupt. The sticking the hand up was a problem for the teacher but most of these we have sorted out now he's settling in. To me, the card is nitpicking. The one I recieved today for last week (too long of a gap IMO) says that he was winding up another child. Ds told me all about this last week, this child is a bully and told the teacher ds called him a 'looser'. I don't think ds would have done this as he is not brave enough to get thumped in the head by this child!. Then there are a few ds was silly and called out. There's little positive on the sheet. It used to be a chart so he could earn a sticker if he had a good lesson which he liked. I don't punish him unless it's something completely out of order, I help him to see why his actions got him told off and how to avoid this in the future. He is very quick to make friends as he has a great sense of humour but it is not wanted in the class. I am organising drama lessons in the hope it will divert some of this to something appropriate.

Is there a way of telling his teacher all of your suggestions without her thinking I know it all and am telling her how to do her job?

Thanks. I've resorted to bribing giving him the incentive of allowing him to use my laptop after homework has been done if he doesn't shout out in class. I'm trusing him to tell the truth on the provision that if he does shout out and doesn't tell me then he'll be banned from using it for 2 days (I'll find out from the chart). He say's he's not shouted out since Tuesday when we made the deal and he managed to get 4 ticks on the happy face board.
He's in a class of 15 so she doesn't have many to worry about, I know from other parents that their boys are on the loud side too . I may keep the card for a while to see if the bribery incentive has worked, then I'll move on to whatever else he's doing, one at a time.

Thankyou for your help, I now have a plan!