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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

my 3yr old is a wet noodle

41 replies

yesballgames · 12/01/2009 19:54

although she thinks i mean a wet poodle.
She was always very outgoing and confident and sociable but the last few months have seen a change... she now gets shy with people she even knows well..and trying new things is awful. I have taken her to gym class and ballet and both were a disaster - not trying anything, clinging on to me while all the other kids jump about happily....
I thought at first it was a reaction to life with new sister (now 10 months) but now i think we just have a real drip - she never wants to put on clothes (major battleground) and would be happy to stay in all day (with me preferably - has anti-daddy days). hates walks or adventures. What a wet blanket!
I was a real tomboy and very boisterous so I cant understand this b'or.
My tack is to support her and gently encourage but I am often finding myself losing paitience and getting frustrated. Tho i try not to show this too much (except with the clothes war).
I dont think anything bad has happenned to her (after all i am with her constantly - unless i am the bad thing - except for 2 mornings at pre school to which she reluctantly goes).
Please tell me its a phase?
Or whats a good approach to get her to step outside of her comfort zones?????
I am feeling rather trapped and maddened although she is still excellent company and my beloved of course etc . ta x

OP posts:

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/01/2009 20:39

Don't feel too bad- lots of us here have told you that we have had similar experiences, so that should hearten you somewhat!

When my dd started regressing, I kept pushing the "you're a big girl!" and praising her for being a big girl, until I did some reading and realised she actually wanted to be the baby again, and I should actually be humouring her attempts to be my baby (instead of the independant little creature I knew her to be!) That did seem to help, and helped me to understand her behaviour a bit better.

treedelivery · 12/01/2009 20:46

God and then they turn 4/5 and this whirling dervish of human rights and equality for all moves into your house. You get told how to brush your teeth and the correct way to empty pasta into a bowl. Ours hit this in Autumn and has responded in a much more encouraging way to a couple of gym classes - though she had to tell the teacher the line up wasn't quite straight.
Pre school tell me it's a hormonal development stage [boys apparently get a mega dose of testosterone, stop sleeping past 6am and start trying to jump off mountains].

Habbibu · 12/01/2009 20:50

treedelivery · 12/01/2009 21:00

Thank you Awaiting arrival off dd to come and kick my butt too

DontCallMeBaby · 12/01/2009 21:08

Oh yes, DD was a lot like this at 3 - and I had plenty of uncharitable thoughts about how, if she can't just march up to a kid at age 3 and make friends with them, is she ever going to make friends?

She's way better now, had a big wobble starting school (brilliant idea until we got there on the first day, then didn't want to be left). She started a new class at ballet, and a new class at trampolining at the same time. Trampolining was hard as she'd not been left at that before - I was up in the balcony watching, but not right by her. I was SO proud when she just waltzed straight off at the competition with the other children to do warm-up - a few months makes a huge difference.

She still struggles with unstructured stuff, like a party without games going on, but is much better.

ProfYaffle · 12/01/2009 21:17

My dd1 was exactly the same age 3 and, yes, the arrival of dd2 exacerbated the situation. She's now 4.9 and school seems to have made a huge difference.

I took her for her first swimming lesson today, I was dreading it, armbands not allowed, Mummy not allowed in the pool with her, meltdown inevitable .... or so I thought. She was so confident, happy, bossy , tried everything she was asked to do. She may not have cried but I did

My advice would be to go with it for now, don't be afraid of being a softy, give her lots of love and reassurance and hopefully she'll just grow out of it.

PigeonPair · 12/01/2009 21:29

I think they do go through a bit of a "shy" phase when they hit 3. My DS definitely did - as did a lot of his pals. A tip I find quite useful when going to parties/classes etc. is to get there early, so they are among the first to arrive. I noticed that DS was much more confident if he was there first and still find it today (he is 4 in March).

Original poster

yesballgames · 12/01/2009 21:42

thanks for the eventual nice messages!! Feel less awful now. Yet more determined to be a supportive and loving mum which is never bad to be reminded of... so thanks for the tough love too (ouch!).
also liked the link to the highly sensitive child - was interesting and did strike some chords. This was my first MN post and I am impressed by the number, speed, and diversity of posters - ta .

OP posts:

AnotherFineMess · 12/01/2009 21:59

Ahhh, warms the cockles. Welcome to MN, I think you've found the right place for you, given your ability to take it all on the chin and sift out the good advice.

Keep us posted about how you and DD get on.

Fillyjonk · 13/01/2009 08:37

Both mine were like this at 3.

Like you, I did find it a little frustrating.

But 3 is a tricky age. They are just working out that they CAN be apart from you/primary carers to whom they have formed an attatchment, more than that that they CAN be independent. They have all these choices. And it is a bit overwhelming.

Like you. both times I have been through the clingy toddler phase I have also had a young baby, so I KNOW it can be exhausting.

My absolute best advice to you is to humour her. Do not fret about it. Lead by example. Do not force her to do anything or even imply that she should.

At the same time, you could occasionally ask her if she wants to reach out of her comfort zone. What worked for us was to ask the kids if they wanted to pay/ ask for things in shops. They seemed to find it easier when there was a "script", also in familiar surroundings like the local coffee shop .

But really, being 3 is ALL about comfort zones. Children develop unevenly too-if she is struggling with social stuff, she is probably putting a lot of energy into other things-reading, physcial skills, etc.

Fillyjonk · 13/01/2009 08:56

oh and, she will grow out of it

at the least she will get unrecognisably better. she won't be clinging to your trouser leg at 21, honestly.

What she needs right now is comfort and security and that is the best thing you can give her. And then she will move out of her comfort zone of her own accord-while a 3 year old might just want the security of mummy, a 5 year old really really doesn't.

tbh the behaviour sounds more than anything as though SHE is trying to move out of her comfort zone and is feeling a bit insecure about that

good luck, its tiring, I know!

Habbibu · 13/01/2009 19:11

Welcome to MN, ybg. Agree with AnotherFineMess - you'll fit in well!

DippyDino · 13/01/2009 19:52

I have a 'wet noodle' too, except I give her a big cuddle and say, 'Aww, you big pudding, dd'

I hope no one overhears and calls the coppers...

Original poster

yesballgames · 13/01/2009 22:16

i know, wtf!! youd think i was beating her about the head and telling her what a useless piece of rubbish she was! I thought my critics were rather harsh but hey they dont know me so a little sport is fun to them... but as we know, criticising someones parenting is about the worst thing you can hear. anyhoo she thinks its cute to be a wet poodle and we have a big soppy hug!!!

OP posts:

womblingfree · 14/01/2009 21:46

I can understand where you're coming from. Are you finding it more frustrating that she's changed, rather than 'disliking' the fact she's quiet?

My DD was quite a tomboy until 2, then went all girly, started refusing to do stuff in the park that she'd happily done before (although was never really shy with people). it was bloody frustrating knowing she was quite capable of doing stuff but suddenly 'refusing' to to it and she got called a wuss by me on several occasions (affectionately).

The only solution is to be patient and ride it out. She'll either carry on being the sensitive type, which you'll get used to, or she'll get her groove back. My DD is now 4.4 and somewhere between the 2. She doesn't have the fearlessness she did when she was a toddler, but with a bit of patience and support will try most things and makes us very proud when she eventually does them for herself after a few goes

cakesaregood · 14/01/2009 23:12

I read your first msg and know exactly how you feel. My 3.10 ds digs his heels in for everything. It is hard work to go anywhere, with the exception of pre-school which he absolutely loves.

The dressing thing is our big battle too. He physically can do it, so I don't think I'm being unfair. I know he goes to the toilet by himself at pre-school, but each time we try to be tough it results in wet trousers... The Big boy stuff really doesn't work - we've had lots of talk about babies recently and not wanting to grow up - the two probably go together, but don't make it any easier.

Add into this a toddler going through the running off stage and screaming when going into his car seat (I know this will pass, but WHEN????) - there are days when it is too much hassle to do anything.

To be fair to DS1, he is shattered after pre-school. Also when he does get anywhere he always has a nice time. I'm always saying to the next mum, "Does he look like a little boy that didn't want to come?"

DS1 is 'naturally cautious' - sometimes frustratingly so - but I do get him to gym where the teachers get him to do loads that he would never do for me. He's also got a big smile which I think will get him through quite a lot in life.

On the plus side, I can't see too many trips to casualty with DS1 - I wish I could see the same for DS2!

Not sure any of this is any help - you made me feel a bit better anyway.

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