Addressing the parents of your child's friends - what do yours call them?

[lisalisa]

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It is, isn't it, sansouci (difficult to prounounce). It's also not a real word, somehow. And quite Canadian/American.

I understand, NQC. Relationships between adults & children were still very formal in the 60s & 70s. "Respect your elders" was the reason for children not calling adults by their first names. At least there was no "children should be seen and not heard", although sometimes I think it's not a bad idea!

But what about old people? I don t mind being first named, but hate it when children do it to my mum or other old people. LIke nurses in hospitals who call 80-somethings Elsie or whatever, like they are children. Really lacks dignity and respect, i feel.

Well, that's where my "whatever the adult wants" rule comes in. I mean, if I met an adult who wanted me to call them Mr X, I'd do it. (Ok, I'd think they were odd, but whatever.) They want me to call them King Zorgon of Blog, fine, whatever, that's their name.

DS1 sometimes calls his Gran Sue, rather than Gran, because that's what I call her. Nobody seems too bothered.

I know what you mean about the nurses, though - what are the old ladies meant to be calling the nurses? First name or last? I think my twitchiness about this situation has more to do with the general attitude of nurses (often) than the names ...

Can I just ask, wasn't it strange once you were a grown up after years of calling your parents friends mrs x and mr y - when they suddenly said 'Oh call me Joan or John'!! I still find that hard to do

As far as this thread goes, I personally like the IDEA of calling people Mrs X and Mr y and wanted to try it with my kids, but it didn't work Simply because it was too confusing to call my best friend Ms/Mrs XYZ to the kids and Mary in front of her IYKWIM. I do still use the term Mr/Mrs x if the person in question is a lot older than me, but I have invariably been told to call them XYZ so I will.

This woman sounds a pain, but I would also go along with what she wants and try to insist the kids do too. Just until you can stop the rota

haven't read the whole thread but I agree that this mum sounds a bit stuffy.
We were at a friend's house yesterday and dd (almost 4) referred at one point to xxx's mummy then looked a bit concerned - she had forgotten my friend's name but would have used it if she hadn't had a blank moment.
Later on I said "right, can all XXX (our surname) children get their shoes on" and DD said, that's not me, I'm xxx xxx (her first two names!). The whole surname thing is hard for younger children to get.
TBH I would be most taken aback if any friend's child called me Mrs XXX.

Thanks for the heads up about Americans in the UK. I agree it is up to the American to get in tune with the British culture and not expect everyone to do what she is used to.

I'm American, and the last time this topic came up on an American board, the people who wanted "Miss Firstname" or "Mrs. Lastname" for people you actually knew were in a very distinct minority. When I was an expat I found one of the great advantages was that everybody wrote off my eccentricities as due to being foreign, when in fact I am just weird.

DD doesn't yet speak. When she does, I expect she'll call most of my friends by their first names (there are people I see at parties whose last names I don't even know!) Some of them will probably be Uncle/Aunt. But she'll also know that some people prefer to be called by their last names and it is respectful to address people as they wish to be addressed. I would insist she called Mrs. Y "Mrs. Y" -- I don't think using first names encourages disrespect, but I think ignoring people's wishes does. However, I think Mrs. Y's children ought to call you whatever you want to be called, on the same principle.

Where we lived in Cincinnati, no children called adults by just their first names. Neighbours were very definitely Mrs Surname. Some people, such as Sunday School teachers, would be called Miss Firstname. Our paediatrician was called Dr Jennifer, but all the other doctors were Dr Surname.

Victoria Peckham,

I never thought I would see the day when you and I would agree

They should always check first IMO

I grew up in Columbus (only a few hundred miles from Cincinnati) and called most of my parents' friends by their first names. (Including stuffy professors who almost everybody else called "Professor So-and-so" -- there was one guy whose colleagues called him "Professor" but who invited me to call him by his first name.) I was not allowed to do so unless invited to, but I was usually invited. In any case, I grew up a whole generation ago!

A recent American discussion shows that "Mrs. So-and-so" and "Miss First name" are ahead of "First name", but not by so very much, and in the actual responses, there are a wide variety of answers.

When in Rome and all that.

Seriously this woman sounds barking, if she lives here, sorry she needs to adapt to British customs. It's only polite. When I lived in Japan I adapted to the Japanese way of doing things.

I Love the fact that at ds1's new school everyone uses first names. When I talk to ds1 about his teachers I can use their first name. Hoorah. All that mrs this used to do my head in when he was in mainstream. I really felt it encouraged a them and us divide, which wasn't remotely helpful to ds1.

Im with Sansouci. When I was a nursery nurse I was Miss X and a new nursery leader took over and insisted that the children call us by our christian names. I thought that this was very disrespectful, having a 2 year old calling me Janet. My children (14, 12, 11 & 4) usually still just call their friends mothers so and sos mum. I call them by their christian names but that is because I am the same age as them. Mothers that I met antenatally are called Aunty so and so by my children. All teachers are called Mr or Mrs by both myself and the children really couldnt contemplate calling them anything else. It seems really strange to me to call the children's dance teachers by their christian names, I always call them Miss Lisa, Miss Maria or Miss Tanya. I do think however, that calling the rota mum Mrs X is a bit much especially since she doesnt seem to command much respect in the way that she talks about the children.

Respect has nothing to do with using people's names! Respect is an attitude. My son is perfectly lovely and as polite as any other three year old and calls our 60something neighbour by her first name - as do I and as does my 13 year old stepdaughter who has known her nearly all her life. He calls my mum grandma, but all my friends and nursery teachers by their first name. We think it's v odd to do anything else - unfriendly. And I dislike Aunty for friends - they aren't his aunty!

aloha's post is an accurate description of how things are done in the Badger sett as well right down to the aunty for friends.... in fact, my DD's don't refer to their real aunts and uncles with any prefix either! Just as I don't refer to my sister as "sister ~~~~".

In fact, my DD1 (and I'm sure DD2 will too!) refers to DH and I by our first names several times a week, which is fine by us.

We don't percieve it as rude at all, she says please/thanks/doesn't talk with her mouth full/speaks pleasantly and greets everyone with a smile. I'd rather have a smile as a prefix than some meaningless waffle.

One of my dd's friends is American and she always calls me 'Mrs X'. Frankly this is what I prefer. I also teach my children to call their friends' parents 'Mr X' or 'Mrs Y' unless told otherwise by the adults themselves.

Surely this is an area where we can respect other people's wishes as to what they want to be called?