Addressing the parents of your child's friends - what do yours call them?

[lisalisa]

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Its 2005 and everyone has a first name, i would horrfied if people called me Mrs XXXXX tbh, it makes me feel old

That reminds me of last night Desperate Housewives episode with the pharmacist calling Bree "Mrs Y" when he has already been dating her...Weird!

Strange in my opinion, and it also makes her look older!

and the problem with the Mrs thing is that

a) she may still use her maiden name - ie not the same as the kids

b) she may get divorced and remarry getting a different name

c) she may not even BE married

Fio, actually one of my motivations of doing a PhD is to be able to remove the Mrs. prefix from my name.

Lisalisa, she sounds like a person who's likely to get hijacked by principle, any principle, today it's titles, tomorrow it'll be who goes through doors first, next day it'll be whether shopkeepers hand you your change or put it on the counter. I'd do what you're doing - accommodate her, while for the long term quietly withdrawing from her (oppressive) ambit.

I wonder when norms changed, though. I grew up (60s/70s) knowing my friends' parents only ever as Mr. & Mrs. X (with a very few honorary Aunties), but ds & dd use first names, as do all children we know.

My children generally address adults by their first names, though there are exceptions, and I would always respect someone else's opinion as to how they wish to be addressed.

Our Head insists that any adult in the school building is addressed with a title + surname, so many of the children know dh and me in that way, and address us that way even out of school.

I don't think a title makes any difference, but I think it is an issue of honouring someone else's views. Ds1 had a fantastic relationship when he was tiny with the local branch librarian. She preferred to be called Mrs X, and is one of the few people he addressed in that way before he started school. But it didn't in any way impede their friendship.

I haven't read the other responses but she sounds like a weirdo to me, it's all a bit Desperate Housewives, Mrs Van De Kamp, isn't it? Silly woman! I don't call ANYONE Mr or Mrs X, with the exception of ds's teachers and I wouldn't expect my children to either. Hmm, looking forward to seeing what everyone else said about this!

And now I've read what she said about your children I'd arrange another rota parent asap. Silly, unkind, petty woman.

If anyone calls me Mrs. X(My married name) I look around to see if they're talking to my (dearly departed) MIL. The only people I actually want to call me Mrs X are telesales people who are overly familiar! MY DS calls his teachers Mrs X and Mrs Y, but his friends' mums and dads by their first names. he calls us Mummy and daddy but sometimes uses our first names too. I quite like him doing this but DH hates it!

It's very old fashioned! We used to call neighbours Mr and Mrs so and so but I don't know of any other adults that insist on it except at school but I think that's normal. She sounds distinctly odd if I may say so!

One of my friends insists on being called "Auntie X". This could lead to confusion with "real" aunties and it does make for a bit of a mouthful. I called my friends' mothers and fathers Mr and Mrs X but that was 20 years ago!

Actually, this is a problem for me. First names for adults "out of the mouths of babes" can seem a bit disrespectful. Maybe I'm old-fashioned.

Mine use first names for adult friends.

No doubts there, then!

Sorry Sansouci - didn't wish to sound abrupt after your post. Was just being succinct!

No problem. I wish I wasn't so stuffy, that's all.

I don't think it's stuffy - just different strokes for different folks...we all have our preferences.

Don't you think it's so odd that she's Mrs Formal & polite, but is so impolite that she feels she can make horrible comments about your children? Nobody with good manners would do that, or indeed do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable.

Pinot 'Mrs Manners' Grigio has spoken. And I might possibly have had a small slurp of wine, because I finished work today and am now officially a SAHM!!!!!! And yes, I might have to get up at 6am with DD, but I won't have to shower, put on a suit and wear makeup. I am freeeee. I might have to carry this on on a 'Pinot is free thread'. Sorry for the hijack.

Ah well done Pinotgrigio!

(undisguised envy emoticon mixed with happiness for you in your newly SAHM state)

Well quite Pinotgrigio, well said re manners. I think good manners are about making people feel comfortable. So her manners are awful imo.

growing up we called friends' parents mr and mrs but once we were adults they asked that we use their first name.

Dd calls our friends by their first name - at their insistence. It does feel a bit strange dd1 adressing people old enough to be her grandparents by their first name but that is what they asked.

I agree with others re the manners and respect - how respectful is she to make comments about your parenting and your children's behaviour. Strange one if you ask me.

I would explain to the older children that this lady prefers to be called Mrs X and could they remember to do so... 3 yo - just try your best.

So, this rotawoman has been driving your children in her car since the September, last year (beginning of the current school year) but only now has told you about the 'disrespectful name-calling'?

Assuming your children have been calling her by her first name for many months, why has she waited this long before telling you? Why did she not straighten out this so called 'biggie' with you and your children in the first few weeks before habits got ingrained? It can't be that much of a 'biggie' can it! You could always try asking her (nicely) why she didn't tell you her preferences when the arrangement began.

Agree with pinotgrigo that her veiled comments about your children are ruder than your children calling her by her first name. If she has something to say to you about your children, she is not going about it the right way. And you also say things have been getting edgy over timings and other things, too.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me as if she might be finding excuses for this arrangment to end soon. I think you should look around for someone else asap, just to be on the safe side.

But as you say finding a replacement is difficult mid year, I think you are right in deciding to respect her wishes for now, and gritting your teeth about her.