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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

'I don't like you'............

25 replies

northerner · 31/03/2005 11:33

Says my ds (nearly 3) mainly to his Grandma (my Mum) and it really upsets her.

She's visiting us for his birthday party this weekend, and he's already saying 'I don't like Grandma'. If he says it to her face again she'll be so upset - she adores him.

Ds is absolutley fine in her company - they get along well. She plays with him, sings to him, reads countless stories to him aswell as making up her own fab adventure stories which ds loves.

What can I do? I'm worried already.

OP posts:

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helsi · 31/03/2005 11:35

We have a similar thing with my mums next door neighbours. If they come to mums door she screams and says "I don't like Bob and Lesley". It has become really embarrasing.

I will watch this thread for any advice too.

helsi · 31/03/2005 11:36

DD screams - not mum!!!

throckenholt · 31/03/2005 11:39

talk to your mum and make sure she realises he doesn't really understand what he is saying and the effect it might have. (She is a mother so has probably been through it before).

And ignore him - don't make a big deal when he says it becuase he is likely to say it again for effect.

Or maybe get her to answer something stupid - like "I don't like penguins" - make a game of it - who can come up with the silliest thing not to like. My is 3 and loves silly games like this.

fisil · 31/03/2005 11:39

Is it possible that he says it because it upsets her, and it helps him to be comforted to know how much his love means to her.

DS does this too, but luckily the way he says he doesn't like something is by saying "I like Granny" while shaking his head. So we pass it off as being that he does like her.

Can he say why he says he doesn't like her?

ScummyMummy · 31/03/2005 11:42

My twins did this with my dad- used to upset and mortify me. Tried ignoring it in a bid to allow them their feelings even if mine and my dad's were hurt but they delighted in controlling a family drama of silent adult distress! So I decided to treat it as straightforward rudeness and went for immediate, matter of fact time outs in the end. Worked like a dream.

actualisedad · 31/03/2005 11:43

Oh - throkenholt's advice is really helpful - thank you! - and the momentary image of helsi's mum screaming at her neighbours, hilarious .

Helpful ideas and lol's - isn't mn great!

Original poster

northerner · 31/03/2005 11:47

If we ask him why he simly says 'because'

OP posts:

TheVillageIdiot · 31/03/2005 11:51

My dd says it to me - ALL the time. She also never tells me that she loves me although she tells everyone else and tells me that she loves/likes ex.

Yet she always says she doesn't like/love me - hurts very much but I just put it down to phase also take comfort in the fact that she knows I'll always be there and so doesn't feel I need to be told that I am loved/liked

Poshpaws · 31/03/2005 11:57

Northener, my DS (3.5) does this to my mum. Only started in the last 3 months or so. He is fine in her company also, but when he initially meets her, he tells her to 'go away' or 'I don't like Grandma'.

My mum laughs it off, as she went through the same thing with my DNephew1 when he was about the same age, although she was very upset when he used to do it. I assume it was because it was her first grandchild to behave that way, but now she realises it must be a phase.

Funny how her granddaughters NEVER said it though. I always tell DS off for saying such things, as I find it embarassing and a bit disrespectful.

Original poster

northerner · 31/03/2005 11:59

It's relly strange isn't it?

Wouldn't mind so much if he said it my MIL - but no it has to be my Mum.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 31/03/2005 12:10

asking why of a kid that age always seems to get the answer because. I think it confuses them.

myermay · 31/03/2005 12:10

Message withdrawn

bakedpotato · 31/03/2005 12:36

entirely absolutely with scummymummy. it's powerplay -- time-out time. it's fine not to like people (though i'm quite sure notherner's son loves his grandma loads), but not fine to tell them this. it's a useful lesson to learn even at 3.

dot1 · 31/03/2005 13:07

My 3 year old ds does this all the time - mainly tells me he doesn't like me! And of course he doesn't like his little brother... Then he'll tell me he loves me very much..!

I honestly think it's up to the grown ups - ie me and your MIL to understand that they don't mean it - they haven't got the language or maturity to put their feelings in any other way, and it could be that they're cross because of x,y or z, but this is what they say instead!

Of course it can feel hurtful, but I just brush it off now and quite often say something like "I don't like peas" or something else that's daft.

sacha3taylor · 31/03/2005 13:13

My dd tells me this every time I tell her she can't do something that she wants to do. She is nearly 3 and I do wonder where she got the idea from. Her older brother is 5 but he won't say anything like that to me as he told me he hated me once when he was about 3 and I cried so much that he promised he would never say it again - and he never has!

desperatehousewife · 31/03/2005 13:18

i had exactly the same with DS who is 2.5. "Don't like Grandma...go away grandma" very embarressing, but grandma knows it's just a phase and he's just being a bugger. Be honest with your mum and say it's just a phase and it will stop. I ignored this behaviour which didn't seem to work, so started telling him off for saying nasty things to grandma and also to his daddy too! Doesnt do it anymore.

throckenholt · 31/03/2005 13:21

just a thought - my 2 year old (and DS1 at about that age) tells us to go away when they want to do something they know we won't let them do (very amusing). Maybe it is something similar - she is not letting him do something he wants to (not saying she should, just maybe he is expressing his displeasure ).

welshmum · 31/03/2005 13:22

Dd used to do this a bit and I remember reading that your response should be 'Well, I love you...very,very much' Apparently they're testing out what feeling are about and what might affect them. Anyway I did it with dd and she soon stopped saying it - whatever she does/says to mummy, mummy still loves her - and that's the truth I guess.

meysey · 01/04/2005 14:12

The thing is, some grandparents can be scary, even if reasonable company. Probably to do with the way they relate to kids.

I was always scared of one of my grandmothers. My son is scared of my father, who is not very good with kids and thinks booming at them is the right thing to do. My father disliked one of his grandfathers so much that he refuses to be called "granpa", only "grandad"!

I am glad the rest of you are confident that your kids love their grandparents really, and are just playing up a bit. If anyone has tips on how to handle genuinely scary relations, whom a child may genuinely dislike, please let us know!

mummyhill · 01/04/2005 17:04

My DD has started screaming as soon as we pull up outside my parents and has to be dragged in side. We use time out she openly tells my mum i not want to be at your house i not like it. My mums response is allways very calm I love you very much but when you are like this i do not like you, go and sit down till you can talk to me nicely. We then all do something that dd would clearly love to join in with and she will slowly come and join us after being there 10mins she is fine and we then have screaming fits about not wanting to go home. Mum says its a phase most children go through so we aren't worrynig too much she will hopefully grow out of it soon. It is their way of trying to get some control of their own lives and let us know that they want to be independant and make a few decissions for themselves apparently.

cod · 01/04/2005 17:06

Message withdrawn

cod · 01/04/2005 17:07

Message withdrawn

permatired · 01/04/2005 21:21

I once heard a very capable mum friend say to her son, who had just said he didn't love her (after she asked him calmly not to keep bashing a new toy on the floor), "Well X, I'm really sorry you feel like that". She left it at that and didn't make too much of it. I have tried this with my DS and it seems to work, poss because there's not much he can really say then (and stops it escalating). Obviously your Mum would have to be primed to say this and maybe add Welshmum's bit about ".... because I love you very, very much".

WigWamBam · 02/04/2005 20:25

When dd tried this, we just very calmly replied, "Oh, that's a shame, because I love you", and left the room to do something else. It didn't take long before she realised it wasn't having any impact, and she very quickly stopped saying it.

jangly · 04/04/2005 12:03

I get the feeling that they can feel that Granny could - (and would ) - take over from Mummy, given the chance! Have you ever left him with her for a few days. Perhaps its remembered separation anxiety. Not sure what the answer is, though, so not very helpful!

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