How can I increase my 4yo son's confidence (and should I)?

[fadingfast]

My ds has never been the sort to pile in and join in with other children. Both my dh and I are similarly quite shy and take a while to get to know people. He is less clingy now, but seems to have a general lack of confidence and fear of the future that worries me as I feel I must have done something wrong to make him like this. He is a worrier like his mum!

I feel that my lack of confidence has had a negative impact on my life and mental well being and would hate for him to be the same. With school looming I am wondering whether I can, or even should, be doing anything to help his confidence but I just don't know where to begin.

Any wise words of advice or comfort out there?

a friend had a similar issue with her child, and afternoon drama/singing classes were suggested. not vital, but helps a child who may otherwise be a little self-contained be a bit more vocal. Personally, i think shyness is in the genes, and wouldn't worry.

My son is the same and is now 8yo. He goes through fazes and at the moment is very un-confident, which I find distressing. One piece of advice is that if you've got any choice of school go for a small one - I send DS to a big school and he finds it daunting. Also I try to make sure we have his friends round to play as often as possible so he doesn't get too isolated (he's an only child of a single parent!).

Like you I'm also quite shy and wish I wasn't!

Not sure if this helps but at least you know you're not alone.

FWIW, I was a very shy toddler who would hide underneath my mother's skirt and generally dislike meeting new people.

I was a quiet primary school kid who loved to red and was in my own little world, a dreamer. Only when I strated secondary school I got a bit more out of my shell, I started travelling with my parents and would like to sing and play piano for friends. Today I'm nearly 30, have travelled the world, ran a successful brokerage team and worked in 5 different countries, speaking 5 languages. (Not showing off, just saying a child is never limited by genes.)

I am an only child, too. Hasn't done me any harm, I think that's a myth. It depends on the parents and how much nourishment they give their baby.

I agree with others, yes, enrol your boy in a class (fencing maybe which is great for fine motor skills and cuts a nice figure) or acting classes, etc. IMO, sport is always good for a boy, you want him to grow up a healthy lad and he'll get more confidence if he finds his thing.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum who cares greatly. Don't worry!

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Oh dear, better get that cup of coffee now

Every child is different but my experience is that pushing my under confident son into lots of activities and basically having a "go on, join in" approach had a negative effect.

Confidence grew gradually and what helped was more Dad time, having fun at home with games and having children over for short playdates (without the other Mum) which gradually got longer. Also if you can find something he is really good at, doesn't matter what it is, that he knows he is good at and it's not just you saying Wow you're great at that.

But maybe the activity thing will work for your son, I know it does for others.

Read him books & put on DVDs where there is a small but strong main character (ex: little mouse Jerry in Tom & Jerry). Tell him how strong he is. Let him carry things for you. This has really helped our DD (3) build up her confidence.

Choose one or two children he gets along with best & invite them over, first one by one, then together. Let your DS get used to playing with other kids in his "safe" environment (home).

Send him to daycare for several hours per week. Not long enough to distress him, but enough to get him to see other kids can be fun and he doesn't need mummy all the time. At the height of her shyness/apprehension of other kids, DD would start to whimper and cry when another child approached her on the playground. We sent her to a creche for 6 hours per week (2 hrs x 3 days). It had a brilliant effect on her.

I was really worried about my ds1 before he started reception class in September. At pre-school he was still at the stage of looking scared of the other children, playing nervously alongside them and only doing things with them if the teachers asked him to. He was also too shy to express his wants and needs to his teachers - would sit there and hope they noticed. Since starting reception at primary school, he is a hugely more confident, happy boy. He still won't tell his teachers if he needs help, yet, but he has a best friend and a few other friends, and comes out with the biggest smile on his face. He pretends he's back in school most of the weekend, teaching imaginary children. I wish I'd had more faith in his coping abilities - I think maybe my anxiety at perceived but as yet unrealised difficulties was part of his problem. Being away from my anxious grasp for part of the day and seeing for himself that he is actually someone quite clever and likeable has done him the world of good. So, I guess I'd say, if he is a shy child it is worth letting his teachers know so that they can do all they can to boost his confidence with lots of positive praise and then do all you can to boost his confidence before he starts school in September by telling him how fantastic school is and how happy you know he'll be, so that he starts school with that assumption. If his start at school is happy, the chances are he will see school in a positive light from then on. That worked better for me and my ds1 than all my previous attempts to get him to socialise better, which only ended up with me and him feeling a bit miserable!

That all sounds reassuring. Ds has been at nursery 2 days a week since he was 10 months (when I had to go back to work), and whilst he has made friends and (generally) seems to enjoy it, it still takes him a long time to get used to new situations and new people. I know this is only to be expected to a certain extent at his age, but at times he does seem extremely reluctant to join in. We were at a pub with an indoor soft play area recently, and he refused to go in because there were other children on it! I do wonder if it is partly due to the fact he was in nursery at such a young age that he is more clingy, but nothing I can do about that now.

Thank you very much for all your opinions.