Well, it's been tantrums and defiance in our household for two weeks now...but I'm determined to deal with it positively! What would you recommend?

[MrsGrouchoMarxMerryHenry]

We have been dealing with the normal 2-year-old tantrums every now and then, not too often. He's usually really chilled out and then, like all kids of his age, some innocuous thing (like wanting my travelcard) will spark a screaming, crying tantrum. But in the last couple of weeks he's started showing classic signs of what appears to be defiance - throwing toys angrily, pushing his plate away, refusing to co-operate.

So far my strategy has been to use time out (2 mins) or confiscate whatever toy he's holding for 2 mins. Occasionally, depending on the context, I'll use distraction or give him a 'choice' of what to do, but lately I've got into a habit of just doing the punishing things. I'm not happy about this; we normally have a hilarious time and a great relationship. I don't want to now create a relationship with my DS which is based on conflict and enforcement of my will.

So I've decided to try the positive approach - distraction, giving a choice, making it into a game when I want him to do something, etc. I'd love your tips and suggestions if you've done this/ tried any alternatives!

So would I! How do you manage to confiscate the toy? (I would have to prize it from dd's clenched fingers, escalating the screaming) I don't want to punish, either, and I don't think it would work. I want us to have fun!

the giving a choice one works 80% of the time with dd. and if i start getting stressed and it shows in my voice she picks up on it and gets even more obstinate. so i make sure i try not to fall into that one.

I would only confiscate a toy if he is being naughty with it- e.g. banging it against the television. Merely expressing anger (by shouting or stamping one's feet) is not a crime in my book so doesn't need to be punished. I am allowed to express anger in a 45-year-old way, so a toddler whould be allowed to express anger in a 2-year-old way.

What you need to ensure is that you do on the whole get your way - so if you are going out you can pick him up and take him against his will. There is no need to devise punishments for not wanting to come in the first place. His punishment is that you get your way. IMO punishments should be reserved for a limited number of naughty acts, such as bitting, kicking, touching something he knows he is not allowed to.

btw If I needed to confiscate a toy (because something naughty was being done with it) I wouldn't hesitate to prize it from their fingers. The important thing is to be above the screaming, not to be frightened by it.

oh god, our terrible 2s have just kicked in too. If I tell you what I do, you might be able to pick out the good bits to use yourself, or just see that different things work for different kids..

yesterday ds had a tantrum because he didnt want to leave his friends house. I carried him home, then he screamed and banged his head on things and threw hismself around for a good 10 mins
I found all that worked was sitting there and watching out of the corner of my eye. Nothing else - no distraction, no cuddles, no reasoning.

And all of this was becaue he didnt want to do soemthing. So, I try to give warning we will do something, or choices about doing things, and tbh realising what IS something to say no to.

eg - if he is throwing, I will say we dont throw with this and offer a ball instead. If it continues, I tell him if he throws I will take it off him. He continues, so I prise it out of his hands! He screams etc etc etc so I tyr to distract him. If that doesnt work I ignore him until he calms down! Its just frustration, so I dont do time out etc. Its not out and out naughtiness.

So, as this happens reasonably often I had to decide what I will REALLY say no to - so he can climb on the chairs, but he cant climb on the table.

Choose your battles!

hth

I agree that it is generally not naughtiness. That's why I don't want to punish. I am not sure whether standing on that back of the couch shouting 'I up here' to make sure I notice is or is not naughtiness. I try and just calmly life her down with no reaction.

Also she thinks she is very funny. Yesterday I went round Waitrose dragging a two-year old by her arm with her feet trailing behind her, giggling all the way, with a five-year old floowing us on all fours. We only needed flags and flashing lights to make it a carnival. Decided that they were not being naughty, just experimenting. (And I was experimenting with not catching anyone's eye!)

Thanks for your suggestions! Just to clarify, cory, I've not punished him for being angry, the punishing so far has been for not doing what I've said (after several requests).

Warthog, great tip about the tone of voice. DS definitely responds when my tone changes, but I'm sure I'm on borrowed time...I'd better use it sparingly!

Racingsnake, your shopping trip sounds hilarious/ bloody annoying! My God, what were we thinking when we decided to have children??!!

Ratbunny, the warning thing has worked really well for a long time in our household but sadly it's run its course . It was brilliant - 3 warnings and then here we go! Off to brush your teeth! Now I'll have to think of something else (see trains idea below - also works with rockets).

Prising toys out of his hands is no prob, I can do it but now I don't want to do it all the time.

We had a good start this morning, I was very conscious of being United Nations Mummy rather than Shoot First Ask Questions Later Mother. I made him giggle before asking him to do things; forced myself to be more patient when he didn't respond straight away (like he used to 6 months ago...oh, he's growing up!), and made up a game to get him to go to the bathroom, kitchen, etc - 'Let's make a train: you'll be the train and I'll be the carriage! Here we go! Choo-choo-choo...'. He adores trains and so loved this game, although I can already see that at some point when he gets into the 'Again!' phase I'll be regretting it...