2,9 year old, clingy scared a lot, I feel worried and exhausted, please help..

[hazeyjane]

or just say something that will stop me feeling like such a crap mother.
Dd1 hates being alone (ie without me or dh, she has a 19 month old sister), to the extent that at the moment she wants to hold my hand or sit on my lap all the time, she gets lots of cuddle, but if she could I think she would want to be carried around all day. She has a comfort monkey which she won't be without. She seem scared a lot, she is always asking, 'whats that loud noise', about cars going past, the heating clicking on etc, and hates doors being open. It is exhausting because I also have dd2, who is going through a clingy phase too (but is nowhere near as bad as dd1). When we go to playrgoup I feel like the other mums must look at me with pity as I've always got both dd's hanging on to my legs!

I'm worried for her, because it seems as though she is tired all the time, so doesn't want to do much she usually asks to sit on my lap and watch tv. We used to do lots of craft, cooking etc, but all these things are impossible to do with her on my lap. She is better when we get out of the house, so we spend alot of time out.

Sorry i am waffling, but it's been getting me down, as I don't see any other children that seem as clingy as she is.

BTW she is gorgeous and funny and lovely and bright, just super sensitive and clingy.

My dd is very much like this and it goes in phases of being better and worse. She's a bit better in some ways now at 3.5 than she was at your dd's age. It is exhausting. I really think carefully about leaving the room - I can't 'nip upstairs' without dd holding my hand and if I forget something we have to go through it all over again. Sometimes we go up and down 3 -4 times in a row if I'm being disorgaised leaving the house

We don't do playgroups for this reason - just a few friends that we see at houses weekly (and even then she needs about 20-30 minutes to acheive seperation). She does though, go to a childminder 3 days/week and is absolutely fine there and I think that has really helped (as opposed to nursery which I think didn't help, looking back).

I never see other kids irl like dd - but you do regularly (at least weekly) read posts on here so it's not that uncommon. She absolutely will not tolerate being alone (which to dd means having someone within about 3 feet - unless it's me then I need to be next to her).

At about her age I got really tough on the cafrrying - she's just too big for me. There was much wailing but that was one battle I picked and stayed with.

Could you play some 'guess the noises' games? My dd is always asking about noises. I think I've now carefully explained every noise the house can make.

I have found dd is very comforted by voices. To keep TV down I use radio (Fun radio is good) or story tapes/CDs. She's just started going to sleep to these which is really helping me at bedtime). I also put them on in the kitchen, settle her with food or activity at the table while I do kitchen chores.

It's definitely a phase. DS had a similar run and I remember thinking I must be raising a baskeet case. It's something to do with being two, as suddenly they're more aware of the world and of cause and effect. I'd say definitely don't push her to do things, cajoule and encourage, but make it so fun she can't resist. If you make her do things, she'll only become more clingy. And it will pass, honest. DS is four now and he's pretty confident and self assured. He constantly amazes me, as it's such a change from how he used to be.

Thankyou, dd's are clinging to my leg as i type, bit your posts made me cry. its nice to know my dd isn't the only one.

She's just a sensitive bright soul. Let her be that and she'll grow

Another thing. For all the talk and complaining about naughty boistrous children, shy children are often viewed negatively in our culture. I was just reading (for work) about a study comparing attitudes to shy children in Canada and China. Shyness was viewed positively and accommodated in China by both parents and peers, compared to the US - where shy children tended to be punished more

Apart from the exhaustion at home it does get tedious when other mums seem to be all judgipants about it. I get royally fed up when people imply I must be over-babying dd and that's why she is so clingy. It's total crap - it's just their temperment and as Smee says - it waxes and wanes.

This is a sore point with me as I just ahd an old friend visit who made some disdainful remarks about dd (who of course was super-shy and clingy with a stranger in the hosue).

There. That's got that out of my system

If it helps, I have a DS who is pretty similar - you're not a crap mum, and I don't think it's about parenting, I agree with Acinonyx and Smee that it's personality and developmental phase.

DS is 2.10 now, and still clings, though less than he used to (e.g. I can occasionally go to the loo alone!)

The thing about asking what all the noises are also rings very true - DS worries about everything. When we were away at his GPs over new year (they live on a main road) he kept saying 'what's that car noise? It's NOT going to crash into grandads house...' and waiting to be reassured. He also tells me about 'boiler noises' and 'radiator noises' and 'daddy noises' etc etc - like he jumps at each one and needs to be reassured as to what they are.

I know it's knackering - I choose to think of it as evidence of a sensitive and caring personality, which I hope will really blossom in time!

ds1 is one of these highly sensitive kids. i could have written your post when he was 2. now he is half way through three he is blossoming.

that book link above was invaluable. i don't much like the tone of the book, but it really helped me straighten my head out about him, as i am not the shy reserved obedient type and it took ages to understand his social nature. luckily, i caught on before then about how much he needed loads of quiet times, extra naps, a decent routine and plenty of warning about what was coming up. we still rehearse things....'we're going to playgroup/nursery/gym now. what will we see? whatwill we do?' etc etc

and also found giving into the clinginess the best way forward...a few weeks of total smothering and support to take those first few steps away, and he's mostly indistinguishable from the outgoing types now, and is starting to be very sought after by other kids for his very imaginative, clever ideas for games.

Acinonyx, I applaud you judging the judgipants! I wanted the throttle a couple of smug mums who repeatedly clucked their disapproval through my son's toddler years and repeatedly told me to toughen him up. Was great recently then to see my son cope with starting school, whereas one of the judgipants had her lo clinging to her desperately. Sad for him to have to go through that, but hey I was so proud..

just lost my message while looking for this 'The fussy baby book' by sears and sears (can't do a link). I found it in my library - it's great for putting a positive slant on 'fussy' or high needs babies and children and I found it very reassuring. A lot of it is as merryberry says.

But I also remember that someone (Tania Byron? Steve Biddulph?) says that you cannot over-cuddle your child. I like that outlook.

Oh the rehearsing for things! Dd is about to have her first ballet lesson and we have been preparing her for this for weeks and weeks (books, dvds, role-playing...)! She's so keen, bless her, and I am so anxious that she won't be able to do it (because of shyness) I could just about faint myself!

Hello my DS1 (nearly 3) seems to be a bit similar at the mo, although he is apparently fine when I am not with him at all at nursery two days a week (but clings to my legs when I leave him). We went to a birthday party of a nursery friend on Sunday and he wouldn't leave my side, followed me each time i went to the kitchen to get him a drink/chocolate finger etc and wouldn't join in the games.

He is better at home, but still wants to sit on my lap a lot, and follows me to the loo. If I leave the room without telling him where I am going, when he notices I am gone he shouts "mummy where ARE you?" in a worried voice.

He used to be soooo confident.

We have nearly one year old twins as well and he was fine when they were born but I think now they are becoming more like little people he is becoming a bit more insecure.

DS2 (one of twins) is very clingy at the mo with me as well. He gets royally distraught if he can't see me at all times (fine when going to sleep thank god though).

DD couldn't care less where I am!

Acinonyx DS1 just had his first nursery Christmas concert. He was so excited (me too!) and he had been practicing his songs and was so looking forward to it. He did manage to get through it, but resolutely refused to sing or smile and looked close to tears the whole way through .

oh bless him egg, poor boy. is he like mine, does he tell you it was fine anyway once its over?

Yes! He thinks it was great and that he had such a good time...

Thankyou so much for all these posts, it feels wonderful to hear of other children like dd.

I did the questionnaire on the link you gave Merryberry, and ticked 20 of the boxes, so think she definately falls into that category! I will look out for that book, and the one you mentioned, Bluecow.

I know what you mean about judginess Acinonyx, usually it's a sort of misguided, unasked for advice, along the lines of, " Well my dd was really clingy but I was always really careful to make sure I didn't pick her up when she cried..etc", and lots of people tell me that I should put her in nursery for a couple of mornings (which always makes me feel really bad, as if i am making it worse, by waiting until she starts preschool)

I do feel bad for unsettling her, as we have had to move 3 times since she was born (dh changed jobs, and we have had to relocate), and we had dd2 when she was only 14 months old, which obviously must have rocked her world!

I do think some of it must be genetic, as dh and I were both very sensitive and clingy as children. Egg, if it's any consolation I would have been just like your ds when i was little, but i ended up being more confident on stage than anywhere else, and it was drama and singing that stopped me being so shy.

I was never shy for a picosecond of my life but dh was very shy as a child. So it has been a new experience for me and somewhat unexpected.

Dd was in nursery until nearly 3 and I really don't think it helped at all (phases of OK but phases of wailing). She really thrives with her CM because she has a bond with one, constant person. I think nursery can be hard on these kinds of children. We haven't tried preschool yet but I am thinking of trying it this year (she'll be just past 3.5 yrs).

I know a lot of shy people are more confident performing which is one of the reasons I am so keen for dd to do ballet.

As for school - well a lot happens developmentally between 3 and 4+. I don't personally think preschool is necessarily helpful in starting school. My gut feeling is that dd will be ready for school - but she's not quite ready for preschool.

I just did the questionnaire and DS1 scored 15. The interesting ones were hating scratchy labels in clothing, and noticing changes in appearances (he hates me having my hair down, and sometimes if he is tired sobs "I don't like your hair like that" but is fine if I tie it back / up).

To be honest, he is often fine, but definitely has a lot less confidence than he used to. The nursery manager said he is fine when I am not there, and said it often the case with children that if their parent(s) are with them they will cling and be more shy, whereas if the parent is not present they will just get on with it and lose their inhibitions more.

Hazeyjane I peeked at your DDs on your profile. They are adorable .

I almost forgot, but having re-read your opening post HJ it reminded me. DS1 has a Blankie and the second he feels sad/scared/shy/hurt whatever he is desperate for it. He chews it frantically when he is worried. When he is happy he mainly forgets about it and leaves it in a heap on the floor. He would be lost without it (thankfully I found identical ones on ebay so we now have three, I used to live in fear of it being lost...).

the first time i had my nails done, ds1 cried...

Egg you could be describing dd1 when you say about your ds's comforter ( I too, try to have 3, but have just lost one, I paid £10 for one on ebay once, because the thought of losing him is horrible - he also gets pretty manky!) dd1 does the hair thing with me too, I had it up today, and she started to get really upset, because I didn't want to take it down.

I had a look at your profile, and he is lovely, as are your twins, have you really got just over a year gap between ds1 and twins?! People always look aghast when i say there is 14 months between my dd's, and if I say I'd like to have a 3rd, they just think I'm insane!

It is interesting that you say that about preschool Acinonyx. I have to decide whether to send dd1 to preschool after Easter (which I feel is too soon for her) or September, when she will be 3 and a half.

Do you mind me asking how well your sensitive lo's sleep? (dd1 has just woken from her 2nd nightmare of the evening)

Well strangely HJ I think DS1 had his first night terror last night . He was insane. It was quite scary. He had two and was in our bed most of the night. He wouldn't let me touch him or hold him and was gabbling on about needing juice (he never has anything in the night normally).

I paid £42 for a replacement blankie on e-bay . I was desperate and the bidding just kept on going up. I had to have it. Then only a couple of weeks later another one came up and I got it for less than £20. They are a godsend though as because he chews them they get rancid and need regular washing. He used to inconsolable when Blankie went in the washing machine!

No not a year gap between DS1 and DTs! God that would be hell! I have 22.5 months between them, which is bad enough! DTs are one year old tomorrow. DH and I are going to drink copious amounts of booze after they all go to bed to celebrate surviving a year. DS1 is three next month.

Hello, just to say.
I cuddle, co-sleep, never-leave-to-cry, 'overparent' my dd and she is confident, not usually clingy, happy, leaves easily at playgroup but very loving and affectionate so dont let them tell you you should be more distant. IMO the more you cuddle and respond, the more secure they are/get (though agree, different children will take longer to be independent - and of course, have different natures too)

BUT My dd did get almost exactly as you describe when shewas ill recently, was a complete personality transplant. Could your dd be feeling ill?

Just caught up with this and the hair up or down rings bells. My DS dictates what colour pants I can wear each day .

Egg, glad to hear that you have a sensible(?!) gap between your dt's and your ds, I think i might have aged by 10 years just thinking about the possibility of a year gap!

Sorry to hear about the night terror, they are so scary, when dd1 has them, she will look into our faces, but it is like she can't recognise us - horrible.Dd1 had an appalling night, woke about 4 times (always asking for dh), but dd2 was up 3 times as well. I think it might partly have been because we didn't put the cd we normally play on - little noises have always woken dd1 up, and we have found it is better if we play a cd really quietly, but it has to be on all night, and it does start to drive us a bit crazy on the baby moniter, so last night we thought we'd try without.... it is back on tonight!)

Umlellala, we tried co-sleeping with dd1, but she wasn't having any of it, when she was tiny, she hated being cuddled, to the extent that in order to feed her we sometimes had to sit her in a bouncy chair, otherwise she would punch the bottle out of my hand. Dd2 was the complete opposite and was in our bed for ages. I agree she is much worse when she is ill, and when she is tired, which is pretty much all the time, as she is such a bad sleeper.

Merryberry, the thought of having nails worth doing, makes me cry

I had exactly the same question as hazeyjane with a very sensitive 22mo-dd who won't let me out of her sight, won't sit in the high-chair for food but has to be on my lap and has a huge tantrum every time I try to cook/clean/get ready to leave the house. very grateful for all the info and reassurance. Here is another similar thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=131654&stamp=051223141252