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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

5yo DS- Major Temper Tantrums- don't know what to do.

13 replies

SugaryTits · 07/01/2009 17:55

My DS is usually lovely, he is a bright boy, quite sensitive but confident and level headed ( as much as a 5 yo can be!)

Recently I have been having huge problems getting him to go to school- right from getting him dressed to walking there to actually getting him through the school door. I have tried being patient and sympathetic and I have tried being a firmer- nothing works. Every day is a battle, he has to be dragged into the classroom by me or the teacher. He says he hates school but won't say why. Teacher has started making him a "happy" book all about what he likes about school but it doesn't seem to be helping.

This has now spilled over into his swimming lessons. DH has taken him to his lesson tonight and has just phoned me to say he is screaming the place down- fighting with his swimming teacher- actually trying to kick/punch/scratch her. I don't know what to do. DH said that swimming teacher was insisting he stay in the pool. My gut feeling was to pull him out. Not only for the benefit of the other children trying to have their lesson but also because I don't want him to develop a phobia of the water by being traumatised by this. DH and swimming teacher think he should be made to stay in to learn that there are some things he just has to do. I am torn.

I feel exhausted by it all and would appreciate some advice! TIA

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3littlefrogs · 07/01/2009 18:01

Is he overtired? Do you make sure he has something to eat between school and swimming?
If there isn't time for him to eat, you probably need to change/stop the swimming.

5 year old boys are usually exhausted and starving by 4pm IME (I had 2).

It sounds as if there is something going on at school, but it is no use asking him directly. The best time to get information out of him would be when you have some quiet time, drawing, or playing with lego for example. You just chat casually about stuff, and that is when you might get some clues.

HTH

ps - sorry - I am rushing as ds2 is eating all the food.

Original poster

SugaryTits · 07/01/2009 18:18

Thanks 3lf, he has a snack after school before swimming, then has dinner when we get home. He is not complaining of being hungry. I will try a bigger snack next week- that's if they will let him go back there!

As for school, I really don't know. He says it's too long- he has been full time since September so I appreciate it is exhausting for him. He does get up very early but has 10-11 hours sleep so think he is getting enough. He says he has no friends, yet when I go in to help out he is very popular with lots of kids wanting to play with him. Parents of the children in his class tell me how much their kids like him. The teacher says he has lots of friends... I don't know.

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3littlefrogs · 07/01/2009 18:30

TBH, I don't think 10 -11 hours is enough given his age and level of activity. He probably needs 12 hours out of every 24, and you would be amazed how the tiredness builds up. Just a thought based on my own experience. If he is growing, he may be finding it all too much.

If it is any comfort, my dd hated her swimming lessons at that age. It was just too much. We stopped , did a lot of swimming in a hotel pool on holiday, started the lessons again at about 7. She is in a team now, and is now a very talented swimmer.(she is 10).

3littlefrogs · 07/01/2009 18:33

Plus, if he gets up very early, he might be better having a swimming lesson at the weekend.

Also - I am a bit at the swimming teacher's attitude TBH. Your ds is only 5.

He must be very distressed if he is trying to kick/punch/scratch the teacher.

Original poster

SugaryTits · 07/01/2009 18:42

I can't get him to sleep any more! He goes to bed at 6.30-7 and gets up between 5-6. I agree with you about it all being too much I think he does feel like this- problem is there isn't much I can do about it- swimming lessons can be stopped but he has to go to school!

Thank you for your time on this.

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3littlefrogs · 07/01/2009 18:47

What I was thinking was that he might cope better with school if he wasn't doing any "extras".

I see from your post that he was at swimming at 17.55.

Mine would have been in their PJs having a story at that stage when they were 5. Sorry - I don't mean to criticise, but it really sounds as if it is all too much.

gagarin · 07/01/2009 18:58

Swimming lesson at 6pm is much too late for a dc who likes to go to bed at 6.30pm!

Cancel it for this term at least.

BUT don't discuss it with him - at all. Just never mention the lessons again - he's bright enough to work out that yelling made you cancel it - so maybe you'll cancel school too! If he asks just say it's not on at the moment.

Original poster

SugaryTits · 07/01/2009 19:16

His lesson is 5.15-5.45. We did it later so DH could take him, thought it would be nice for him to have some time with him on his own. I think I will try to move him to an earlier lesson- perhaps straight from school to see if it makes any difference. I have paid for the term and can't afford to write off over £100 at the moment but if an earlier lesson doesn't help then I suppose I'll have to.

I have just had a chat with him whilst putting him to bed, he says he doesn't like putting his head under the water- I told him he doesn't have to but he needs to tell the teacher not scream & fight. I have told him we will move to an earlier lesson to see if he likes it better. We talked about school too and I think he has an imaginary friend- he said that "Jonifers" mummy doesn't make him go to school.

I think I need to spend more quality time with him. I am going to stop computer & DS time for now and massively restrict TV. Not as a punishment but I think too much "screen time" is having an adverse effect on him. I need to play with him more. 3lf- not offended by criticism, all advice helps. The boys are usually in the bath by 6, just not on swimming nights.

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DesperateHousewifeToo · 07/01/2009 19:33

My ds went through phases of this, with school and swimming (swimming has been the only after school activity he has ever done as they work so hard at school) .

I found the main bribe/incentive for stopping the whinging about going to school/swimming was to say he could invite a friend over for tea if he had a 3 mornings without complaint or a swimming lesson without complaint. Now we also have trips to the newsagents for a treat after school if need be as he finishes school later which makes tea dates more tricky.

The swimmimg lessons became great fun for him and school also became much more positive.

nb: I was sure that there was nothing 'nasty' going on at school to make him behave like this and that it was really just grumpyness, lol.

(ps: buying him goggles really helped with his confidence with swimming)

Original poster

SugaryTits · 07/01/2009 19:42

Thanks DHT, feel a bit better to hear it's not just me having these problems!

We have started a sticker chart for going to school- sticker for getting dressed/putting on shoes & coat/walking to school/going in. He gets a treat if he gets all four stickers. I will try the inviting a friend over to see if that has good results!

I don't think there is anything bad happening at school, he is just so angry at the moment, he seems filled with rage all the time. It is so upsetting as I don't seem to be able to do anything to help him.

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gagarin · 07/01/2009 22:31

It is a little unnerving for some dcs to find themselves in a world where they have very little power and very little choice - esp if you have been able to be the "shall we do the park this morning or this afternoon - you decide" sort of family in the pre-school years.

If you think about your dcs day from his perspective - which bits of it does he have any control over?

Is his day perhaps a long litany of what could be seen as "orders" Honestly not implying this is deliberate. It just creeps up on families.

So perhaps if he described his day it would be - get dressed (not when I want to); leave the house (not when I want to); go to school (not when I want to); go into school and settle down to a day in which free play/choice is rather limited etc etc.

You say you have decided to limit TV & screen time. How about having an evening or two where he chooses what you do - and you do it together?

So if he wants to watch TV rather than you tell him "no" (because even though it's his freetime he still can't do what he wants to do) - if he does choose TV you sit and watch it with him, getting him to tell you his favourite bits etc. That can be quite a bonding experience.

And an evening or two when you decide what to do - board game evenings are great fun for the dcs (frustration/snakes and ladders/pairs etc) tho a trifle dire (ludo is the worst!) for adults.

mckenzie · 07/01/2009 22:43

FWIW I agree with gagarin. We had similar issues with DS and found that by giving him control and choice at certain times and for certain things made the other awkward times much easier. And also agree (with the benefit of hindsight ) that you might need to knock the swimming on the head for a while and just have fun family sessions instead. I put too much pressure on DS too young and I'm trying my hardest not to do the same to DD. (I'm not suggesting you are pressurising your DS SugaryTits

Original poster

SugaryTits · 08/01/2009 11:08

Thank you gagarin & mckenzie. Thats great advice and along the same lines as what I was thinking about last night. I think a lot of his behaviour is down to me- not spending enough quality time with him and expecting him to be grown up and sensible all the time. He needs some time alone with me/DH without his younger brother attention seeking! I am going to get DH to put DS2 to bed, spend 15 minutes reading with him while I keep DS1 downstairs and read or do a puzzle or something.I am also going to give his swimming teacher a call in a bit and try to switch to an earlier lesson for the rest of the term then leave it for a year or so. We will do lots of swimming at the weekend instead. Thanks again...I really appreciate the help.

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