DW at home with our out of control 2.6 DS and 6m DD

[Rollingpapa]

Helpful suggestions please. My wife is on the point of playing toss-the-toddler.

Background --

• Me in office full-time, DW at home
• Usual sleeps: 7.30pm - 7am, 1-3pm.
• Responded badly to arrival of his DS, but starting nursery last Sept (a.m., Mon-Wed) certainly helped (restarts tomorrow).
• Worked out how to climb out of cot last weekend, so we removed the sides, in hope that the novelty would wear off. Oh boy.

DW now cannot keep him in his room during post-lunch sleep time, which is when she gets things done. His favourite words are "No" and "Want" and he resists EVERYTHING.

Besides which, he is now disrupting our DD's sleep in the afternoons. Which is what most infuriates DW.

We have no TV, but have just started playing DVDs on laptop to shut him up.

Anyone else in the same spot? I know this is classic "Two-and-a-half" behaviour, but DW now feels she is a bad parent, that she has no authority with DS, and that she has completely lost control of the day (and night).

I'd suggest DW stops thinking she needs to control your DS and instead needs to facilitate him finding his place in your family. Children aren't there to be controlled and it's very stressful trying to do it because, as you're finding, it doesn't work. It's hard to accept it, but your DW may well find it less stressful if she can change the way she views her/his life at the moment. Instead of going 'ah! How am I going to cope without my break in the afternoons?' go 'yay! More time to spend with DS and I can go places and not have to worry about being back in time for a nap, and he may start going to be earlier' and then change her daily pattern to take account of his changing needs. He will stop napping eventually (he seems old to be napping IME (I have four DDs)) and it's clearly stressing everyone out to be trying to keep him napping/resting. If it were me, I'd work on having a daily pattern of getting up, breakfasting, going out to a friend's house or toddler group, coming back for lunch, playing for a bit or watching a dvd, then maybe popping out again to the park or shops. The best thing you can do to help, IMO, is to do 15 minutes's housework in the evenings and mornings before you go to work. My DH makes sure the dishwasher is empty and the nappies are washing in the mornings, and does a clear up of hte living room in the evenings. It means there's far less for me to worry about getting done during the day - it's the housework that's stressful, not the children ;-)

I agree with Lindenlass, but your DW is probably knackered with a 6 mo too, and she will probably be napping too. That break gets you through the day IME.

I'm gutted DD is dropping hers. I rather like having lunch, getting the tea made, a mid-day tidy up and half an hour to MN

But I do agree that you have to accept it and make changes. Toddlers are hard work, it's just the way it is.

my mother had to build an extension on side of cot. she had us in cot until we were older generally, kept me safe from jealous older brother. (he would bite my mother whilst she fed me, used to try drop things onto me...tonka steam roller for example....)

haven't got there with mine yet, but think there is much to be said for defining their own space, keep using the cot to rest if not sleep.

My top tip for toddlers is

IGNORE the bad

PRAISE the good

I don't literally mean ignore, just I think their entire aim in life is to get attention, and at that young age they don't appreciate the difference between cross or happy. In fact the more extreme the better.

Thus, getting out of bed again and again and having you run up stairs growling this is the last time .... or shouting bed or whatever... (or ok one more story/drink...)

instead just repeatedly putting the back in bed no noise/lights/talking (except to say bedtime) again and again (don't even run upstairs as any commotion is exciting.

And when they do go to bed lots of praise for it (try sticker charts etc) and try and make bedtime snuggly and quitely fun.

As for saying no to everything don't rise to it, they are just learning they have a choice, therefore try and give 2 choices but without a 'no' option. (toast or cereal)...

as for the nap thing - I'm afraid at that age (my two are even closer in age) I used to drive them to sleep ./..so much for my green lifestyle!

good luck, it does get easier I promise (mine are aged 3.4 and 21 months now and such fun) I most certainly would hav used that word a year ago

What I didn't say in my post is that I really sympathise. Young children are exhausting, but trying to make them less so by trying to control them just doesn't work and makes it harder IME and IMO! Better to change your lifestyle/environment/daily pattern to cope with what children need/do. Get her to be honest with her friends about how hard it is - I'll bet you a million dollars they'll all breath a sigh of relief and say 'Yes, I find it stressful and knackering too'. I have a set up with my friends where we ask for help if we need it, and are honest with eachother - it really relieves some of the pressure to know you're not the only one who wants to throttle their DCs on occassion, simply because they're behaving like children and you are exhausted with your patience running dangerously low.

great advice on this thread, agree the best thing you can do is help her with housework so its clear in the mornings and at night

Noonki - I have heard that over and over again about ignoring bad and praising good - but how does the 'ignoring' work? For example DS1 keeps trying to bite DS2's fingers/toes - we can't possibly ignore it but how would you suggest we react to it? We know he is doing it to get a reaction as he looks at us whilst he is trying to do it!

Echo about you doing whatever housework you can. DH always tidies up the living room whilst I am putting DS1 to bed - it is so lovely to come downstairs to a tidy lounge (or as tidy as it can be with so many toys in it!) to relax for the evening.

I used to push them both aorund in the pushchair and let them sleep in the kitchen when I came back from a walk
If dw drives she could leave them parked up outside?
Or ds used to fall asleep in front of a dvd
Or just chill out
I'd invest in a TV tbh

It is very likely that you are about to lose the lunchtime nap: ds gave up his at this age. The next stage is to find a way of working around him. We had one downstairs room (the living room) which was childproof and full of toys and left him in there when necessary.

I think your dw needs to find a new time to "get things done". He's at nursery in the mornings, then she wants him to sleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Couldn't the baby's sleep time be the time that he gets one on one with mum?

DD is only just 2 and she doesn't have a nap every day - and hasn't for about 2 months now. And she doesn't go to sleep till 8:30 at earliest. She just doesn't seem to need much sleep. The only time she has slept for as long as 2 hours in the day is when she has been unwell.

Is there a playgroup he could go to regularly - burn off some energy there?

I hate to say it....but get a tv.

My dd (2.6mo)is exhausting, very very demanding (see my current desperate thread on here). She doesn't nap either, and the tv buys me 1/2 an hour's sanity.......I ould lose it completely without that.

Does anyone control a toddler? You can do your best, but you have to work with them rather than control them in my exhausted experience

Drop the lunchtime nap. Stay in his room until he falls asleep at bedtime. You are lucky in that he sleeps 12hr/night. Neither of mine slept through the night until 3.6 and nearly 4. Get a double bugy and get out morning and afternoon. Abandon the housework. Good luck.

def lose the lunchtime nap. my dd stopped hers at 18 months so i think you've done rather well tbh.

lots of exercise during the day.

get out of the house.

accept that you can't get stuff done in the middle of the day. yes, tis pants.

Oh...I dream of doing stuff in the middle of the day without bossy little voice in the background

Just wondering if restarting nursery has made him more tired in the afternoon so he will nap? Also DS always used to go to sleep at about 1pm but now he won't go to sleep until 2pm. Could she try putting him up for a nap that hour later?

Ceebee- what I take to mean as ignore, if not always ignore but be really low key and give as little input as possible:

so if your scenario. I would very quitely say 'no biting, it hurts' and then cuddle other child a bit if they are upset without looking or speaking to child that bit.

but if 5 minutes later they are playing nicely I would make a bit deal about that. Hope that makes sense!

mind I found with mine they do really well with that, but if I get stressed even once and yell it can set the whole problem back again and the bad behaviour escalates. (2 steps forward and all that [sigh])

I would definitely put a stairgate on DS' door. We did this with DD when she dropped her nap and started trying to wander. Also, for a while when she dropped her nap, she would still have 'quiet time' when she would play with toys in her room - with the stairgate on door otherwise she would never have stayed put.

If that doesn't work, then just go with the DVD watching. Maybe your DW is feeling guilty about parking DS in front of it but IME this is how a lot of parents get their tired DC's through the afternoon when they first drop their nap. I know it's not quite the same for DW as having DS asleep upstairs but would go some way to giving her a chance to get things done.

Also, how about tweaking DC2's nap time so he/she naps while DS is at nursery. My DS does this and it's a godsend now that his older sister doesn't nap.

Failing all that, DW will just have to accept the loss of the 2 hr window in the middle of the day - but you do get used to it. I was dreading DD giving up her nap and really missed that me-time but you soon adjust. And as others have said, anything you can do to help will ease the pressure.