I could really do with some help/advice re DS 16 mths aggression and attachment

[sherby]

What I would really like to know is if this would be considered normal for this age and its just something I have to wait out and any advice for coping with it.

Basically in the last 2 mths DS has got very aggressive towards us and DD. Hair pulling is the main thing but he also scratches, bites and slaps . It is always when he can't get his own way. A good example is yesterday he spotted my camera on the side and tried to climb the shelves to get to it so we obviously took him down, he went nuts pulling my hair and slapping me, so I said no DS we don't hit and put him straight down, but then he just starts scratching my legs and screaming at me. I'm loath to do a naughty step/corner thing, I don't think it would work he is too young and would never stay there, but ignoring him doesn't work either he just ramps it up.

With regards to the attachment issues we have always loosely done attachment parenting, but he will NOT leave me alone for a second at the moment, he literally follows me from room to room and stands there screaming and pulling on my clothes until I pick him up. Also we are co-sleeping and he is very aggressive at night if I even turn over away from him he will pull my hair repeatedly until I turn over and cuddle up with him.

I don't think I had realised how bad it sounded until I wrote this down tbh, please if you have any ideas let me know, I am willing to try just about anything at the moment!!

Thanks

You have my sympathy. DS is the same age, DD is 3.4 yrs.

We don't quite have these issues, but DS is similarly demostrative when he doesn't get his own way. He will come up and try and push DD off my lap, or try and squeeze himself in between us both if we're cuddling. He will push or pull at her a lot if he percieves she's in the way of his attachment to me.

He also follows me everywhere and throws his arms around my legs and his head into my knees. He climbs endlessly and throws a fit when put down, arching his back etc.

It sounds like your DS is in a similar development phase, but is just demostrating in a slighly more agressive way. I think you just have to continue to clearly indicate what's not acceptable behaviour. DS often smiles when told NO, but it only takes a clear change in tone of voice and arrangment of my phase to turn that smile into a cry.

I know it sounds mean, but if he is behaving really badly (pushing or pinching) or dangerously climbing, I have to make sure I deliver the no that will make him cry rather than smile in order to get the message home.

Sounds horrible doesn't it, but instinctively I just think this is the way it has to be at the moment.

You're right, he is far too young for time out, but maybe you will have to try riding out the screaming tantrum and see how long it lasts if you pay it no attention (put in your ear plugs!) as it is exhausting to always have to pick them up when they demand it.

Good luck

Phase??? FACE - ye gads - my brain has frozen.

The following around is exactly the same here, if I am in the kitchen he will wedge himself in between the cupboard and me and then scream and push me back until I pick him up. He doesn't seem bothered if I am with DD though.

I know what you mean about the saying no, but he has just started laughing when we say it and hitting out about. It is a difficult age thats for sure

Do you have any safety gates - into the kitchen for example?

IMO at his age the only thing that will work is to remove yourself from his reach (but not necessarily his sight) so he can't hurt you.

So do the get down to his level; cold hard mummy face; firm - but not shouty - "no"; turn away (you are doing all this already) BUT move so he can't hit you.

Step over the safety gate into the kitchen?

Break eye contact and count to 10 and come back in with distraction techniques.

Keep leaving for the count of 10 if he hits/pulls/slaps.

He's too young to understand much more than "mummy moves away if I hit". No discussion etc will work (IMO) until he's older.

He will get the message.

And with co-sleeping as hard as it is I would stand up out of bed everytime he pulls hair or hits. He'll learn fast and it's not as if you're not shouting or telling off - just withdrawing for a brief while.

Good post Gagarin

Yes some good advice

We do have a safety gate, when I have tried putting him out he will stand and throw an almighty screaming fit and start hitting himself or the floor, so we are back to carrying him around and doing everything with one hand.

The sleeping thing is difficult because he is fed to sleep so I usually turn over afterwards and he KNOWS, instantly starts pulling hair until I am back over cuddling him again, I will try the getting out of bed thing and see how that goes though

Just one quick bump to see if anybody else has any ideas -before- -I- -start- -smacking- -bums-

That didn't work like I thought it would

My Dd went through a similar phase a few months ago (she's now 19 months). RE: Hitting and scratching, I told her to stop and put palm out to indicate stop, and told her that it was not nice. I then offered her an alternative way of expressing herself - stroking instead. And, when she copied, I gave her lots of praise. This seems to have worked as she rarely hits out now. She has also learned to stroke my hair instead of pulling it when I turn away from her on the odd occasion when we co-sleep.
She also went through an attachment phase when she wanted to be picked up all the time. SHe is still going through this phase but not as bad as before - basically, I think it's because she is desperate to be on adult level to see what's going on. So, now when I'm cooking I let her stand on chair next to me and this seems to have helped to stop her whingeing to be picked up all the time.

hth

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Danae - I tried the sling thing too, but could never manage to get DD in a high enough position where she could look over my shoulder, all she could see was my back and got more frustrated. Any tips on that? Or is your DD very tall?

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sherby - you seem to be falling into the very common trap of "what you pay attention to is what you get more of!"

So your raging ds whacks/scratches/shoves you - you leave - he yells so you pick him up.

Which means to get picked up he can hit/scratch/shove knowing that when he yells you'll pick him up.

IMO prob mixed messages are coming through.

So when you step over the gate and he screams in fury do the count to 10 thing, don't make eye contact. When he takes a breath breeze in and ignore it - get down and play.

It's not his fault - he's only tiny. But by a brief withdrawal you can help him put 2 and 2 together.

Hitting people means they go away!

Great tip, Danae - good way of regaining waistline too

my DS1 was v similar (though also hit all kids around too!)

the only technique I found - I was to say no hitting, be gentle, then a TOTAL ignore.

(for about 1 minute - no eye contact, )

then when things were calm we would play 'being gentle' with the cat/toy animals etc.
ANd remember he is REALLY young still!

good luck it drove me slowly insane, but definately improved with the ignore.

Hw is just too young to control his impulses at this age. Ride it out and keep doing what you're doing - it will pass, promise.

This thread is so reassuring.
My 14 mth DS is the same in terms of hitting and now starting temper tantrums when he has to do something other than play (like changing nappy, changing clothes etc etc).

my ds (17 months) hits, headbutts when we say 'no' but also does it when he's excited or tired . i just simply say 'no, we don't hit, it hurts' then break eye contact/ ignore him then distract.

he also does the forcing himself between me and the kitchen worktop thing whilst whinging to be picked up, grrrrrrrrr.

he's always been a climber/ he learned to pull up and climb before he could crawl properly , and always throws massive strops/ screamy fits when taken away from something or put down.

i must admit i am relieved to read other people are going through the same thing. my ds has always been high needs so i am never sure if he is the only one doing these things .

Well, they can be trying at this age, non, but occasionally I see the funny side:

3 weeks ago I came back from the kitchen to find DS had climbed up his sisters trip trap, onto the dining room table, and was sat atop it, an apple purloined from the fruit bowl in each hand and a chunk bitten out of both.

Familiar from here too. I would just add, it helps if you can meet at least some of the need he was expressing in the first place. Ie he wanted the camera, so show him how to ask for it and get it down and let him hold it with you holding it too. I think at this age they are terribly driven by impulses they just can't control. They will learn eventually so some of this is just crisis management! ie getting through the situation rather than disciplinary action. obviously I don't mean give them their own way all the time.

ahh god point by cockles, we have learned to deal with each scenario as it arises. we also pick our battles very carefully or else we'd always be at war .