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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS aged 9 is being UTTERLY unco-operative about anything ....

37 replies

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 09:44

OK he has never been a doddle, but we had got the rules laid down last year, and life was toddling along quite well.

But since just before new year he won't do ANYTHING he is asked without being asked/told 97 times, jobs take forever to complete, he deliberately gets distracted to other things, says he can't do something when he can, or point blank refuses, and has to be threatened or negotiated into it. This morning I have had to get VERY shouty before school, just to get his bag sorted out, and get him to empty the dishwasher (his regular chore, one of his pocket money jobs).

Currently the Wii is banned until behaviour improves, and this morning I've banned all computer time too until next Monday, unless he earns it back by doing as he is asked when he is asked, but I'm sceptical that this will work in his present mood.

This started while we were staying at my sisters, and we currently have Granny staying with us (adding her comments, very helpful) so I wonder if having an audience is adding fuel to the fire.

What with DS being stressed out workwise, my mother being here and ds being defiant, I'm thinking of leaving home.

OP posts:

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Niecie · 06/01/2009 09:52

Is he attention seeking?

I am just wondering whether staying at your sister's and with granny staying, he has felt like you don't have time for him at the moment. You probably don't with him in his currently state of mind - it is a pain in the neck when they won't get on and do things without being asked 100 times but maybe the solution is to have a bit of quality time with him. Sorry, I hate that phrase but it gets the point across.

Rather than having a go all the time, just do something with him for fun. Give him the attention he craves doing something nice rather than being shouty.

I should take a dose of my own medicine though - I have an 8 yr old who is similar. They grind you down, don't they? I do think it is a bit of developmental blip though. I've heard this from sort of thing from the parents of several 8/9 yr olds. They do seem to grow out of it a bit by 10.

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 09:59

Niecie believe me he gets quite a lot of attention, partly cos he's an only child, and he never has done much without insisting that I participate or appreciate what he is doing and why. He has been hanging around Daddy alot this hols too, so attention really hasn't been in short supply.

We all went to the Pantomime on Saturday night, nice dinner first, we had a great time together, and I had hoped we could "start afresh" on Sunday, but by yesterday we were back to square one.

OP posts:

MorocconOil · 06/01/2009 10:06

My DS 9 goes through these kind of phases. Before christmas he was really hardwork. On one occasion because I wouldn't let him play on the computer, he got on his bike and road off into the dark. It was 5pm and I was on my own with 2 other DC. I chased after him in the car which made it worse. I was on the phone to the police when he returned 15 minutes later. It was awful.
When he'd calmed down he told me that he just seems to go a bit crazy and can't think straight sometimes. Dh and I were on the verge of seeking professional input when I was casually chatting to an 11 year old girl. She said when she was 9 she had 'funny turns' and thinks other children she knew did at that age. It must be a developmental stage, perhaps where they want more autonomy/independence but can't really cope with it.
'Talking to Tweenies' Elizabeth Hartley Brewer is a book recommened on MN which I have found helpful.
Perhaps we should start a support thread for parents with 9 year olds. I could do with it

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 10:15

I'm not helped because my mother has now decided that ds is 'not normal', there were several comments along those lines last night.

She hasn't got up yet, but I'm expecting several comments when she does, including chiding me for shouting at him, when I could do with her making me a coffee and offering to cook dinner.

OP posts:

Niecie · 06/01/2009 10:21

minizan, it is interesting that an 11 yr old can remember it being difficult to be 9. Maybe there is some truth in it.

I am wondering if it a pre-pubescent thing where perhaps their hormones do something a bit odd ready for bigger changes in a couple of years.

Clumsymum - maybe the solution is to go the other way then - ignore him and his bad behaviour. Lay down (again) what he has to do, tell him you will only ask once and then leave him to it. If he doesn't sort his own school bag out, tough. If he doesn't earn his pocket money also tough.

From my point of view, the constant negotiation drags you down so I am thinking, just don't get into it.

How long is granny staying? Can she be advised to keep quiet for a bit?

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 10:27

Ha ! Granny keep quiet ?? No Chance !!
Roll on Friday, I put her on the train then.

Yep, I'm going to start ignoring from tonight I think.

When he actually started doing the dishwasher this morning, he said he couldn't finish it, cos he would be late for school. I said tough, his problem, there had been plenty of time when I first asked him. He did finish (and wasn't late anyway).

OP posts:

Niecie · 06/01/2009 10:36

Granny sounds like my father - the tact part of their brain has aged a lot quicker than the rest and is now totally worn out and useless. They lose the ability to realise they are just not helping!

Stay strong with the ignoring. I'm rubbish at it - it is really hard. 'Ranty mum' has a habit of breaking free.

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 10:40

yes, 'fraid I get ranty too, esp. when ds knocks tea all down me just as I have got dressed, which happened this morning as a result of his rampaging having been asked gto do the dishwasher.

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Ingles2 · 06/01/2009 10:46

my ds1, is 9 an can be exactly the same.
Occasionally he's started turning into this stubborn, cocky, bored, lazy teenager who seems to think he can have his own opinion (the cheek of it )
and then he reverts back to mummies little boy.
I'm just staying strong to the rules we've always had and basically ignoring it, unless he goes too far, in which case the ds goes, as does the playstation .
The worst case scenario will be missing playing football at the weekend. We haven't got to that stage yet, thank god.

oh, and he's got much stronger without realising it. he was fighting with ds2, (who started it) ds1 got fed up, pushed ds2 who fell flat on his face, cue one broken nose

Niecie · 06/01/2009 10:50

Oh dear. Nothing quite like school mornings to get the blood flowing is there?

I had both of mine in tears this morning because they had to go back to school (inset day yesterday)! They seemed to be in some sort of unspoken competition about who was the most upset.

'Ranty' mum was suppressed for a dose of 'sympathetic but firm' mum. I suspect if they try it again tomorrow morning ranty mum will be back with a vengence.

abraid · 06/01/2009 10:55

I've had a child who was VERY DIFFICULT between about seven and nine and is now easier at 10. She could really reduce me to tears of rage.

She can still be difficult but is much nicer to me now. So be of good cheer.

HSMM · 06/01/2009 11:03

Hormones

KerryMumbles · 06/01/2009 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ingles2 · 06/01/2009 11:17

it's the tears that get me too KM.
ds1 gets some homework,... he's really bright, he can do it if he justs sits and concentrates for a minute or 2,
but oh no....
head on arms, sobbing!
before he's even looked at it!!!
what is that all about????

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 11:34

Oh Ingles, we get EXACTLY the same with homework. It takes half an hour to get him started on the homework, which then takes him barely ten minutes to complete.

We also get meltdown if the dishwasher is actually full when it needs emptying "There are toooooo many, I CAN'T do all that"

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Niecie · 06/01/2009 11:56

Oh god I had forgotten about homework after 2 weeks off.

Oh the wailing and moaning. I try to reason with my DS and say that if he had done the work instead of having a tantrum it would have been finished but logic seems to have passed him by.

Spellings are the worst 'I can't do them wahhhh! I hate spellings wahhhhhh!.

Then promptly gets 8/10 on the 1st practice.

However, that isn't enough. 'I'll never learn the ones I don't know wahhhhhh!

Gets 10/10 on second practice attempt.

I have to sit on my hands to avoid throttling him but I have probably left DS2 traumatised for life at the possibility that he might have to do spellings when he is older and they are HARD

Ingles2 · 06/01/2009 11:57

I've spoken to the mums of some of ds1's friends and they're all saying the same thing.
1 friend is having full blown tantrums at the mere mention of homework, laying the table, going to bed etc so lets be grateful eh??

Ingles2 · 06/01/2009 11:59

LOL Niecie
"However, that isn't enough. 'I'll never learn the ones I don't know wahhhhhh!

Gets 10/10 on second practice attempt.

that is exactly it!!!!
Then he spends the next 10 minutes, telling everyone how brilliant he is and generally bigging himself up

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 12:04

Well I feel a bit relieved that it isn't just us.

I did tell ds on the way to school that if he carries on like this he will end up in a young offenders institution. That gave way to a conversation about doing what you have to do in society etc etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 12:08

"Then he spends the next 10 minutes, telling everyone how brilliant he is and generally bigging himself up
"

Oh yes, we get that too. If you read the behaviour books, it's all to do with a lack of self esteem, apparently. Which is odd, because honestly, truly I think that ds has just a tad too much self esteem.

OP posts:

Niecie · 06/01/2009 12:10

That it Ingles!! It is like a tap. One minute wailing and flagellating himself with his spelling book then the next, the tap is turned off and it is all smiles!!

Weirdos. I am sure I was never that difficult at that age.

Clumsymum - I am very impressed that you managed to have a conversation about the role of the individual in society on the way to school. I only ever manage 'Hurry up we're late.'

Ingles2 · 06/01/2009 12:14

ds1 is not lacking in self esteem...over confident imo.
It's that footballer thing. you know,.. when they score, and then want adulation and recognition from everyone.
he's turning into his dad... he'll want recognition and praise for cooking, cleaning, loading the washing machine soon

Original poster

clumsymum · 06/01/2009 12:24

Niecie, I was trying to re-establish my role as a responsible parent, having been a ranting dervish in the kitchen 2 minutes before.

OP posts:

KerryMumbles · 06/01/2009 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niecie · 06/01/2009 12:40

I am still impressed. My way of making up for the ranting dervishness would have been to smile whilst telling them to hurry up instead of the steely straight ahead stomping I usually do.

Do we think boys are particularly bad at this age or is it just that girls have reserved their own special place in hell for their mothers and are just as difficult but in a different way?

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