Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

DD has started hitting pinching and biting, she is 13mo and we don't know what to do.

16 replies

DustyTv · 05/01/2009 11:07

DD started hitting, pinching and biting about 3 weeks ish ago. We try distraction, ignoring, telling her 'no', but she still carries on. We do not raise our voices and we do not do it back to her as has been suggested to us by certain people

She only does it to DH and myself and not to other people, but we want to nip it in the bud as we don't want it to escallate.

DD is only 13.5mo so I am not sure she understands what she is doing TBH. Although as she carries on doing it after we have tried the above she looks at us and is smiling like it is a game IYSWIM.

What are we doing wrong and how on earth do you get through to a 13.5mo that hitting, pinching and biting is not nice and wrong?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FioFio · 05/01/2009 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

meandjoe · 05/01/2009 11:16

it's awful but you have to ust be firm, say no, then ignore her or distract her with something else. not worth dwelling on it as she really doesn't understand that it hurts. sounds like you are doing all you can. it is just a phase, don't worry.

kitbit · 05/01/2009 11:17

ds went through this too, it's REALLY common.
We realised it was because he was frustrated that he couldn't communicate, especially when he wasn't happy with something. He used to do it at nursery (mortifying) and bit others when they snatched from him or pushed/hit him, so it was quite easy to see why he was doing it.

We tried some baby signs and when he got the hang of them it really helped. BUT he also did it at home to try and get a reaction - smiling and watching what happened just your dd by the sounds of it! We would take his hands and look directly into his eyes and say a firm "No" before lifting him gently but firmly away from the fun/action/activity and sitting him by himself for a few moments. Not as "full on" as time out or chill out time, but just to give the idea that fun is removed if you bite people. We would also do the sign for "ouch" (touch index fingertips together) which we had reinforced by using if he fell over or hurt himself. He seemed to get the hang that biting was hurting people and that he would miss out on good things if he did it, and it stopped.

We absolutely didn't bite him back or shout - not our style anyway, but imo I think it's destructive.

It will pass, good luck!

claw3 · 05/01/2009 11:18

Take her out of the room, away from everyone and say in a stern voice, with a serious expression, no biting. No big fuss, no explainations, just no.

Dont worry most kids outgrow it.

Original poster

DustyTv · 05/01/2009 11:19

Thank you, I thought it may be just a phase but we didn't want to handle it wrong. I always thought that this phase would come at the terrible twos stage not at 13mo.

Sometimes DD seems like she understands when we tell her 'no', as she does this fake cry and then goes to the one who hasn't told her 'no'. Do we ignore that as well?

OP posts:

Original poster

DustyTv · 05/01/2009 11:24

kitbit, that is what DH and I are like also, certain family members have suggested we do it back to her, bnut we think it would a) be wrong as parents to do that and b) how on earth are we supposed to get through to DD that it is wrong if we do it.

DD is so good otherwise, she doesn't do it to other children and plays really nice, it is just to me and DH.

Claw, I have had to do that a couple of times, once when she really sunk her teeth into my arm, it left marks that took days to go. I put her in her cot in her room and left her there for about 5-10 mins ish. DD cried, I cried, but she hasn't done it that bad since.

OP posts:

claw3 · 05/01/2009 11:24

Dusty - Sorry had to laugh at the going to the other one who hasnt said no. One of my ds's is 15 years old and still tries that one!!

claw3 · 05/01/2009 11:31

Dusty - I would suggest doing it EVERY time she bites, hits etc, not just the times when it hurts, otherwise a bit of a mixed message.

I wouldnt put her in her room, she is a bit young for that. Just take her away from the situation and tell her no, in a stern voice.

Original poster

DustyTv · 05/01/2009 11:36

lol so we will still be dealing with that for a few years to come then, lol.

OP posts:

kitbit · 05/01/2009 11:38

If she's going to the one that hasn't said no that's actually a good thing, because the "no" is getting through and means something. As long as you are consistent together it'll work. And telling the difference between "real upset" crying and the fake crying noise they make when they're annoyed or frustrated and can't think how else to tell you, that's important too!

Original poster

DustyTv · 05/01/2009 11:42

We can both tell the difference between her real cry and her fake cry (she also has a fake cough she does to get attention ) It is good to hear it is getting through to her.

OP posts:

kitbit · 05/01/2009 11:44

(sorry, stream on consciousness-type thinking!)

we also had a breakthrough because ds was starting to become aware of others' wellbeing and would show concern if one of us eg. banged an elbow and said "OW", or something. We encouraged that, so that he understood that you had to look after someone who was hurt, and make sure they were OK, care for them etc. We overdid the dramatics a bit to reinforce this, poor dh shut his finger in the car door and was fine, but we did proper bandages, kisses, cuddles, "are you ok"s etc for ds's benefit. This all helped when we then showed ds that he had hurt someone by biting, and he understood better what the consequences were for the other person.

It's so hard to double guess them isn't it!

piscesmoon · 05/01/2009 11:45

You just stop her every single time-it will get through eventually.

claw3 · 05/01/2009 11:47

Dusty - Oh yes, but on the plus side, he doesnt bite anymore!

Kids are experts at playing one against the other. I would suggest that after taking her away from the situation and telling her no, if she then goes to your DH for a cuddle, your DH tries distraction ie 'come on lets play whatever', so he is not undermining what you have done, but is also not carrying it on. Otherwise you are getting the 'good guy, bad guy' routine.

BlueSapphire77 · 05/01/2009 11:59

My son did this..and my DSD and DSS..both now 6 + 7 respectively, think it was learned behaviour as mum and dad together were not very good role models, my son did it because he was in nursery and other kids did..got through it by saying in a very stern voice "No! Hitting/kicking/biting IS NOT NICE!
It soon gets through.
Takes time and being consistent though and needs you and DP/DH to back you up completely and not to soften when she does the fake cry.
Good luck and don't worry it's just a phase, i used to feel it was a reflection on my parenting (mortifying as someone said already) but every parent has had some experience of stuff like this, they would be more likely to pull a face if you didn't act to correct the behaviour.

pamelat · 05/01/2009 13:40

Our DD is 11.5 months and bit me for the first time over Christmas. I think she thought it was a game as she grinned afterwards. It didn't actually hurt me (she only has 3 teeth) but am also interested at how you stop it.

Flip