I have had enough and so has Dh which shows how bad it is

[NAB3lovelychildren]

The kids are 3, 5 and 7. We had to leave the ILs early today as their behaviour was intolerable. The only way they will calm down and behave is if DH shouts at them and I mean really shouts. I guess it has an effect as he rarely does it. They are going to bed at 6 but what the hell can we do as DH and I have enough stress without this too? We shouldn't have to shout to make them behave. They have been like this for a while so it isn't them picking up on us.

How do you talk to them and each other. Listen to yourselves. DO you say too much. Do you keep your word? Do you lead by example? are you kind to each other?

My DD's (3.3 and 4.5) can be absolutely awful together and only listen if I really shout .

But they only really ramp up like this if they are left to their own devices for periods of time - if they are doing something structured or with adult input they don't seem to reach quite the same level of horridness!

If I ever have either of them on their own they are always brilliantly behaved - it is how they compete and bicker and wind each other up that causes the problems.

Yours are all fairly close together so probably get each other really over excited - and once over excited kids just don't listen IME.

Can you find rewards and punishments which would work for each of them? Preferably ones which you can do without rewarding/punishing the others if they haven't earned it. Then I think being consistent is key - if something gets praise on some occasions but randomly, it's hard for them to see the point, same with punishment which doesn't always happen.

Finally, I'd try to only concentrate on one or two things for each of them (same or different depending if they all do the same stuff!) and try to ignore other bad behaviour. If you can stop one thing (like jumping on the sofa say) then you can moveon to something else. Once they see the benefits of behaving more like you want, they should respond better.

I remember reading on here a long time ago someone said she and her husband speak really nicely to each other and that is how the children have learnt to speak nicely also. I hear my kids speaking to each other and know it is how I speak to them at times.

Doesn't help that I am so low at the moment I almost can't be bothered.

My 3 are this sort of ages. They can also behave like this, and they can work each other up to a frenzy and can't calm down.

We do sometimes shout. But things we have found which do work are the calmer approaches. Taking them home early from places (as you did from the ILs). Or not taking them out, when they are in a phase like this, til things calm down. With mine it's often if they are tired and overexcited - like on holidays or at Christmas. When we try and make things more boring, such as simple food, early bed, no TV (one of our most effective sanctions is no TV for a week), and much less going out, then things do improve. But it takes a few days.

You need to be bothered. YOU need to set an example.

I know what you mean NAB - I sometimes listen to DD1 being stroppy with DD2 and thinking OMG thats me...

Somedays when work is really full on and the kids are being really difficult, it feels too hard, but if you really force yourself to be calm and firm with them things usually starts to improve.