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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Horrible,horrible 12 YO DS

24 replies

Monkeygi · 03/01/2009 23:10

Is it 'normal' for a 12 yo boy to have tantrums similar to a 2 year old? And swear? (although usually only when angry. Which seems to be most of the time). My ds1 has always been a bit...stroppy, but at the moment it's off the Richter scale-especially where my husband is concerned. Admittedly dh has been off work for three months and is aorund more to be strict with ds1. (He's back to work on the 12th. Yay.) Is it just a case of pre-teen angst+ male horn-locking? Or should I consider counselling or something for ds1? Any ideas, anyone?

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ComeWhineWithMe · 03/01/2009 23:13

My 11 year old is the same .

tryingtobemarypoppins · 03/01/2009 23:20

Get him into clubs sports etc etc etc. Burn that energy!

worleywinterwonderland · 03/01/2009 23:32

same with ds1. slams doors, stomps upstairs, shouts etc.
cant wait for him to go back to school on tues!
he has changed sooo much over the past year. not my little boy anymore.

does go to cubs/computer club and dodgeball club. was trying to persuade him to start drum lessons to see if that helps him!

worleywinterwonderland · 03/01/2009 23:32

my ds1 is 10 byw

lilolilmanchester · 03/01/2009 23:37

Not abnormal, unless it gets out of hand and you really think you need help. Would adopt the toddler taming approach, IME they really are just like toddlers, wanting attention and they don't care whether they get it for being good or for being bad. e.g. praise them for when they do things you appreciate or are proud of and be firm when they are being out of order - but choose your battles and just totally ignore all but dangerous/completely out of order behaviour.

On second thoughts, wait for Custy, she's the expert!

Original poster

Monkeygi · 03/01/2009 23:52

Sadly the 2 things he is good at- chess and cross country running- don't seem to be very well served around here, not even at school, and he's not interested in joining anything. Forgot to mention, btw, that he is also in trouble at school. Several phone calls from teachers saying he ignores them, doesn't work in class, doesn't do homework etc etc. He's currently on what they call a stage 1 report too.
As for picking your battles, well I try but my dh is not so good at that and seems (to me anyway) to pick on every little thing, always quoting the Mayor of New York's 'zero tolerance' policy.

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soapbox · 03/01/2009 23:54

You only need to read the threads on here about parent's losing their tempers with children to see that tantrums are not the preserve of the very young

Do you and your DH ever lose your temper with the children or shout at them?

lilolilmanchester · 03/01/2009 23:56

Monkeygi, so many similarities with our situation (both DS and DH....)I can only advise consistency and tenacity. It's hard, and doesn't give quick results, but keep chipping away. DS is 15 now and really improving. But it has been a long haul. I'll look out for you and support you all I can but don't have any easy answers. Sorry!

Leo9 · 04/01/2009 00:29

zero tolerance is not a way to live. When can the poor boy relax? Of course he will get angry and frustrated and of course that will play out at school as well. It sounds like your DH is the problem here from what you've said so far.

I think he needs to tread carefully or he will ruin your chances of having a child who finds his parents worth being friends with when he's an adult, TBH. If what he wants is to push him away then he's doing it all right, by the sounds of things. Consider parenting input for your DH way before counselling for your DS and you won't go far wrong IMO!

MoreSpamThanGlam · 04/01/2009 00:36

He is a little boy going through puberty, not a mugger or a drug dealer ffs!!

Original poster

Monkeygi · 04/01/2009 00:41

Thanks, Lilolilmanchester. I appreciate that. leo9, what the heck is 'parenting input'? Are you saying that ds1's behaviour is solely down to my dh and nothing to do with his own self?
I am ashamed to admit that we have both lost our tempers with my ds, BUT only after the most extreme provocation. It's not something that happens often, in fact rarely. It would be nice to be the sort of person who is always calm, so how do you become like that?

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Leo9 · 04/01/2009 00:45

We can all learn about parenting and we should all be open to having a long hard look at what we are doing, hard as that is. It sounds to me from what you've said that your DH really IS causing alot of the problems. Being picked on for 'every little thing' and having 'zero tolerance' sounds a truly miserable existence

I know that's blunt, but I'm trying to say it like it sounds, from what you've said on here.

flaminhell · 04/01/2009 00:46

I have a 13 yr old ds, and wow he started at about 12 with the stroppy behaviour, but he would never dare swear, he does push his luck but has found out the hard way that its not worth the bother. Only thing to do is understand his mind and body changes, allow for a certain amount of misunderstandings, but never let him get the better of you, start as you mean to go on. They only get bigger and louder, you have to make your position clear now, take no messing. Good luck.

Original poster

Monkeygi · 04/01/2009 00:47

He isn't a mugger or drug dealer certainly, but neither is he a little boy. And our fear is that that is the way he is going to go if we can't help him. My dh is in a tricky position (we all are, really) as my ds's real dad firmly believes in no discipline whatsoever and undermines us at every turn. I do agree that my dh could do with calming down a bit, and we are trying to work on that, but he came into our lives when ds1 was 7 and already 'difficult'. ds1 had already seen a child counsellor before that. Our doc has suggested that counselling might be good for my ds1,in case there are things he feels he can't say to us or his father.

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MoreSpamThanGlam · 04/01/2009 00:49

Make sure he is sleeping enough and eating regularly. my ds gets way out of hand between 3.30 and 4.30, he is usually starving hungry and really cranky. Once he has eaten he is a different boy.

Original poster

Monkeygi · 04/01/2009 00:52

I have made it sound like that my dh picks too much I know, but it's not like he and my ds don't get on or relax together. They do. And my dh frequently thinks up treats for my ds-only to have him take them and then ten minutes later throw a massive strop because we've had to say no to something. Only this evening my ds rang me(he's staying at his dad's till tomorrow) to ask if he could stay till Mon. When I said no as we have to get new shoes, clothes etc on Mon, he hung up on me.

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Original poster

Monkeygi · 04/01/2009 00:53

Actually, the flashpoint is always the word 'no'......

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Leo9 · 04/01/2009 00:55

I didn't realise he's dealing with a re-constituted family situation as well as this approach from your DH. Of course in view of that and what's been said by a professional counselling for DS may be a very necessary thing.

I'd say don't forget that while, for adults, splits are something we experience and (largely) move on from, a child sort of 're-experiences' and re-visits these things as they grow and mature and look at things differently so it may be that now as he enters his teenage years he is grappling with new feelings about.

And your poor ds IS in a very very hard position; if you are undermined by your ex, then of course for your DS that is experienced as confusion and blurring of boundaries, which is then compounded by the pendulum swinging far too far the other way with your partner. No wonder he is angry! Most stroppy 12 year olds can be angry with much less reason!

Going on your further information maybe it would be good to consider counselling for him? I'd say family therapy would be the ideal, to give you all a pathway through this.

Leo9 · 04/01/2009 01:04

oh, meant to add about the flashpoint being 'no' - I definitely understand that, thinking back to being that age. My parents were very clever with this - I had strong boundaries, etc but very very seldom would they actually say "no" to me. Using the example of the phone call to ask to stay till monday at dad's I think my mum would have said something along the lines of

"you must be having a great time to want to stay, that's lovely. Let me think - we've got to get new shoes and clothes ready for monday; we must do it before mustn't we otherwise you'll have nothing for school" etc and then basically it would have been a discussion between us about when and how we could get the stuff;

then if it was impossible, at least I had been part of the deciding process as far as possible while knowing the final decision is up to mum.

I think it is very good to have that approach for this age group. Often as parents we get used to operating in one way and treating them as we did when they were younger when maybe the situation can be eased by talking to them more and telling them things less. Also often kids can come up with good solutions themselves if asked.

Leo9 · 04/01/2009 01:08

oh, or (sorry to blather on) it might have been possible to talk to your ex instead of your DS about this? Then this issue is not just about you and him but about his dad taking responsibility too. If you say to your ex "DS wants to stay till Monday which is fine by me but he needs to have X, Y and Z by Monday". Then at least his dad needs to be the one saying whether or not he could do this and you're not the baddie in the situation?

Original poster

Monkeygi · 04/01/2009 01:13

That's a good idea and may work sometimes. In fact, thinking back, I think we have managed that on occasion. As for my ds's position, well I know that only too well, as my parents divorced when I was 10 and then my mother remarried a really strict man who actually seemed to hate me! She divorced him as well.... I have considered family therapy and my husband has agreed to it. I think he finds all this doubly difficult because he had a 'perfect' upbringing with 2 parents who stayed together, still are, worked together re discipline etc. Plus it seems that my husband was the perfect child who never got into trouble! So no experience of dysfunctional families for him.

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Original poster

Monkeygi · 04/01/2009 01:17

HAH! If my ex had been the sort of man who would take responsibility for anything I probably wouldn't have divorced him. He doesn't pay maintenance but will buy ds1 expensive gifts, even if it's not Xmas or birthday and has moved from lodgings to lodgings several times recently (probably because he hasn't paid the rent.)He bought my ds a laptop in the summer hols fgs!I have spoken to him about all this and all he says is that he'll 'have a chat' with my ds. And that, literally, is what he'll do. He just wants to be my ds's friend.

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Leo9 · 04/01/2009 01:17

Well good on your husband for agreeing to family therapy. If this were me I would pursue that wholeheartedly. Because I think it would really help your ds not see himself as the black sheep; he's just a young boy who is acting out some of the conflict and confusion he experiences. Good luck.

dittany · 04/01/2009 01:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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