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Behaviour/development

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3 Year Old Making Us Feel the Worlds Worst Parents - HELP, HELP

8 replies

Treadmillmom · 02/01/2009 00:11

To say my 3 year olds behaviour is challenging would be an understatement.
He has a tantrums, some days none, some days back to back.
His day starts out with him being a very loving and affectionate boy, telling you he loves you etc, but the moment his little bare feet touch the carpet trouble starts.
Firstly, he?ll ask for a toy that is either microscopically small or you haven?t seen him play with for months and if you are unable to find it, a tantrum ensues, screaming, crying, punching himself in the head and face, rolling around the floor.
With his morning milk, he asks to be picked up, carried, sat with, I would so love to drop everything and accommodate him every time he asks, it?s such an innocent request but I have an older and younger child that need my attention too.
With the birth of DD 3 months ago he daily requests to be treated like a baby, held, rocked, pretend nappy change, playing on the gym and I do it, the experts recommend it yeah, it?s dead exhausting though, especially when you have a real baby to look after. Sometimes he coincides his requests with her crying and I do go to him first if possible to demonstrate that he is still important to me.
He wears an angry face about 70% of the day; I mean a real, screwed up, frowning pantomime face. He scares old ladies on the street who stop to chat to him, he is such a beautiful child, that when he screws up his face people instinctively laugh, which I?m afraid, unleashes the demon. He gets very angry and upset if he thinks he?s being laughed at.
I guilt trip that I do not spend enough time playing with him, he is very physical and I don?t always want to fight, jump or roll around the furniture and house. Building, drawing, painting, cars don?t hold his attention for more than 10 minutes at a time.
Everyday has to be park or playgroup to go somewhere to satisfying his physical needs.
He?s attended a private nursery since he was 6 mths old but as I?ve been a SAHM this year he?s only gone once a week, loves it. He starts Pre-School on the 12th January, which he had a taste of in December and is mad for it, he cannot wait to go every day so I am genuinely hoping it may make him happy.
Spending time with his big brother 5, over the Xmas hols has done wonders for their relationship, they play solidly and DS1 can be very accommodating but also an irritating wind up, but hey that is normal sibling behaviour.
He loves his baby sister and chases anyone and I mean anyone, even the MWs and HVs if they look at her, a mouth full of abuse is guaranteed and it?s highly embarrassing.
His dad started a new job a few months back and is unfortunately out of the house 12 hours a day so see?s the kids only at bedtime. DS2 misses him badly, all day he says, ?I hate dad?. Upon DHs return he shouts, ?I love you dad?, which we interrupt to mean he hates his dad being away but loves it when he?s back. He then proceeds to spend what little time he has with his dad hitting him, kicking him, punching him, screaming in his ear etc. Boys need rough and tumble and DH gets stuck in but DS2 just cannot accept when it?s time to stop and ends up getting punished which DH finds really distressing.
We?ve tried it all with him. Praise. Firmness. Rewards. Talking. Affection. Reassurance. All the while he seems angry at the world. He often shouts, ?Grrrr, you?re not listening?, I am though, I cannot always give him the answer he wants to hear or am distracted for a millisecond. Alternatively he calls himself a naughty boy and no amount of telling him the contrary makes any difference.
Help me make my boy happy. He is stunning, I know all moms?s say this but I swear he?s a show stopper; I just want to help him be happy.

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bellabelly · 02/01/2009 00:36

Oh I really feel for you - sounds like a difficult situation. My boys are a lot younger but I have justs started reading Toddler Taming and I think it's brilliant so far - a lot of the sort of behaviour you are describing gets a mention and I reckon you might find it a helpful read.

PS If you are consistently showing love, setting limits and trying hard to make your DS still feel important afetr the arrival of your new baby then I think you are doing brilliantly - try to remember that next time you feel like a "bad parent" - hard to do I know but beating yourself up is not going to help.

bellabelly · 02/01/2009 00:37

link to book - it was reading someone's recommendation on mumsnet that made me want to read it!

Leo9 · 02/01/2009 00:38

Maybe he is having too much attention. For instance timing his requests to get your attention when she starts crying is plain naughty in view of the fact that you sound a very hands on mum who gives him all she can at other times. Rather than reward his naughtiness by going to him first, why not just say to him "oh no isn't it maddening when the baby cries, I can't wait until she is as grown up as you and can be my little friend like you are" or something like that.

Also you mention him giving people a mouthful of abuse and embarrassing you - what have you done when he's done this?

On the rough and tumble issue I would tell DH to stop, TBH. Boys don't need it IMO if all it leads to is punishment and upset. He might want it but it's up to you as parents to know what is actually a good way for him to spend time! Physical excerise and play, yes they need that but I don't think a 3 yr old who can't cope with it really, needs rough and tumble. Get DH to do other things with him; bath?

I think he sounds a real character and I'm sure his strong nature will be great, but I think he's a 3 year old who needs STRONG boundaries and to know where the line is and I don't think he necessarily needs the babying that he seems to at the moment.

Leo9 · 02/01/2009 00:40

oh and I wanted to say about the dramatic tantrums over a little thing like a toy, simply walk away - take his audience away!

gigglewitch · 02/01/2009 00:48

the Job of three-year olds is to make you feel like the most shite parent ever

agree about taking the 'audience' factor away, it p's on their bonfire every time, so they just have to get up and stop it

if you are desperately concerned then maybe contact your local sure start or whatever there is in your patch, they have all kinds of parents groups, courses (re behaviour and stuff) where you really find out that we're all in the same boat.
Have you tried stuff like giving him pics of what's happenin when - like pictures of what he's doing and where he's going in the day, stick them on some sort of board, so he can see what is happening next and also know that dad's coming back at the end of each day?
We had all kinds of issues with ds1 when DH worked mad crazy shifts, he had no idea when daddy was coming back and it screwed his head up big time. once it became clear where people were going to be and when they were coming back, he coped much better.

Lenlen · 02/01/2009 08:16

I'm lucky I never had that experience with my kidz but I can still remember my 3 yr old call me silly old mom.
I hope you'll find a way to solve it and I say maybe it will not last long. They say tantrums typically appear at age 2 or 3 and start to decline by 4.

gagarin · 02/01/2009 09:09

He is angry tho isn't he? And it's OK to be angry.

His mum has had another baby (bl*dy cheek); his dad has bu*gered off; his nursery has been curtailed.

No wonder he is furious all the time. And none of those things are fixable are they? However much you try you can't undo them. He does have good reasons to be moody and cross for an extended period of time.

BUT you love him and do lots of stuff with him so he will be OK.

You prob do all these already but....

Unremitting expression of love and admiration for his personality (you are so lively - I love it!/you have the most fantastic smile etc etc) and attributes are what he needs. And helping him learn to speak about his emotions may also help. Along the lines of "we were all cross weren't we?"; "how does mummy know you're cross - it's your cross face - can you do it? Can you see mummy's cross face? Is this it?".

Plus the old favourite of being critical (kindly) of the new baby - "dear oh dear silly baby can't talk - not like clever you"; "I'm so tired that baby woke me up all night - not like my best boy who is sooo clever"; "toast for you - but none for baby! They can't have any cos they're too silly to know what to do with it!"

Good luck.

Treadmillmom · 02/01/2009 21:47

Thank you very much for your responses, there are some good ideas, I'll definately try them.
Anyone else like to contribute?
Happy New Year to you all by the way.

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