I cant cope

[jerin]

Hi
Just wondering if anyone can give me some advice. I'm feeling very hormonal (6 months pg with twins) and just feel I cant cope. DS is 14 months and has spent the past 4 days crying constantly. Last night he slept abot 4 hours in total and screamed the rest of the night. He's never been a good sleeper but had recently improved. We've just been to stay with family for a few days over christmas and it's been a nightmare. He doesnt know them very well as he doesnt see them often and so he was extremley clingy and trying to get him to sleep in a noisy house was a nightmare. My family blasted me for not doing things right, spoiling him and called him a miserable child. I know that unless I get things sorted with him it's only going to get worse when the twins arrive. Would love to get some help/advice but money is really tight and cant afford much. Anyone any ideas where I can turn to?

Hi, so sorry you are having such a bad time and your family were so unhelpful. How about contacting your health visitor and asking for a referral to Homestart? They could send you a volunteer who can give you some support both now and when the babies arrive. HTH

Couldn't read and not post, although prob not helpful...

Are you going to all the toddler groups you can stand? Sounds like you might need to start 'diluting' your DS a bit, for your own sanity. Are you working or SAHM? If SAHM, can you afford any nursery time? Or a CM would be cheaper, and give DS a better chance to get used to being with other age children.

I'm also thinking that maybe you shouldn't worry so much about the last few days - if your DS was with people he didn't know too well, then yes it would upset his sleeping and make him clingy. He could also be starting a cold or similar, which I found always regressed my DS a good few months in terms of behaviour and emotions.

Do you have a Surestart nearby? They'd be able to give you some advice and possibly help.

And don't listen to your family about the spoiling and miserable thing. Sounds like they're the miserable ones if they can't realise that a child that young - still a baby ffs - needs a bit of extra support in those circumstances, and is way too young to be 'performing' for them.

Is there a DP around? If so, you should also start working out your routine with DS for after the twins get here, to lessen the shock for all of you.

Pecker up girl - you haven't got it easy and I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job

Sounds as though you have had a really rough few days over Christmas. Very unhelpful of your family to be having a go at you. Ignore them.
If things were improving before you went away try to hold onto that idea as hopefully, once things settle to normal again your ds will start to settle more.
Try not to feel panicky about the twins arriving. You might finds that things have settled down a lot by then.
You've had a really tough time and it might be a good idea to reassess the situation in a week or 2.
In the meantime it goes without saying that you should try to get as much sleep whenever you can. Does your ds nap during the day?
As has been said before, do you have a dh/dp who could take over the care of ds during the evenings/weekends while you get some rest?

oh my god, you have my family!!!! i can't count the number of times my relatives have said my ds is miserable because i spoil him/ don't socialise him/ am just generally incapable! total rubbish, ds goes to toddler groups twice a week, is always out and about with us and is very well loved, not spoilt!!!

some babies (particularly at this age) are very sensitive to new environments and new people. my 16 month old could never go to sleep in someone elses house, even here at home we have to keep the noise down til he's gone to sleep. it's normal!

they all get clingy and have sleep problems at some ages. my ds was a great sleeper from being a few days old but it all went out the window between 8-12 months, i have always just put it down to separation anxiety and teething. they all go through different phases and stages which massively affect their mood and their sleep.

agree with the suggestions for surestart. also try and get out as much as possible, even when the new babies arrive, being stuck in the house thinking you're a failure is the worst thing. you are doing great and it's not your fault how your baby behaves, he is so so young and i'm afraid my family tend to treat my ds a a bloody toy. as soon as he cries or doesn't want to cuddle them etc, they immediately say something productive like "oh he's strange" or "ooo you need to get him used to people, this is no good" blah blah blah...... bollocks to the lot of them. chin up luv!

He sounds absolutely normal.

The way you are feeling right now is also absolutely normal.

All toddlers react in the way you have described to an upheaval such as he has experienced.

First thing I would do though would be to see your gp or out of hours service to get his ears checked.

Once you are sure he doesn't have an ear infection, you need to start a gentle, but regular routine of getting up, breakfast, a walk outside, playtime, lunch,nap (for both of you), walk/play outside, tea/dinner, bath, story and bed by 6.30 pm.

A 14 month old does not require any entertainment that costs money. Just fresh air and exercise and loads of sleep.

HTH

ps: substitute toddler group type activities for the walk outside ones where appropriate.

You may be bored rigid by trailing round the park every morning, but your ds won't - there will always be something new and exciting for him to enjoy.

Oh yes, agree with 3LF - get out of the house as much as possible! And if/when the screaming doesn't stop once outside, find a nice noisy road to walk beside for a while

Thanks for your support. We dont go to any clubs as I'm still working full time and do shifts which makes it really difficult. DP is a really great help and does most of the care as I'm finding it difficult to lift him - he cant walk yet. Really want to get him into nursery - will 1 morning a week be enough as I think thats about all we could afford? Currently take him to SIL when working where he plays with his 2year cousin. Although have worked out my shifts so that we wont use her often as I'm not convinced she follows my routine. Have heard about Homestart and will look into that - also heard I may be able to get some free help from the local college with someone who's studying NNEB. Just feeling low after my rubbish christmas. All I want is a happy boy who is confident and sleeps. Just feel I've let him down but I adore him. Doesnt help when those supposed to be closest to you arent helpful although I dont think they meant to upset me. Just trying really hard to not get upset or stressed as DS was born at 31 weeks so thats playing on my mind too. Thanks again - he has now fallen asleep in his highchair while he'ssupposed to be eating lunch!

bless him, if he falls asleep in his highchair and doesn't require all the palavar that my 16 month old does to get to sleep in the day then you have an amazingly well behaved ds!

He sounds overtired. He really needs to get 12 - 14 hours out of every 24 at this age.

It is very hard if he is looked after by family members who are not able to follow your routine. Of course, if your SIL has a 2 year old, this might be difficult for her, although TBH, when my boys were between 1 and 3 their routine was pretty much the same, except that the older one dropped his nap in the afternoon.

Can you get him out of his highchair and put him for a sleep? If you can, go and grab some sleep (or at least a rest) yourself, now.

I agree we should get out more but I'm finding it quite difficult to walk far as suffering badly from sciatica. Will def try tho... thanks again. He does have a regular daytime routine that was working. Although his sleeping wasnt perfect he was a 100 times better than a few weeks ago. I guess it'll take a while to get him back into his routine.....

My darling! I'm not much on sloppy sentimentality but your post inspires me to send you an enormous hug! I wish I could do more for you, like come over & b'sit while you go off & do something totally for yourself but am far away.

Things are not exactly peachy for me either but for different reasons. Last night I felt especially terrible & after a long, teary chat with my mum, realised that yes, things are difficult and could get worse but that I will eventually (after a good sleep, etc) feel stronger & more positive about the situation and therfore more able to cope. And I think you will, too.

Families are hell at Christmas - ignore what they call your poor ds, give him lots of cuddles & attention, especially when your twins arrive. Get as much RL/MN support as possible - other mums are the best! xx

jerin - look in working tax credits and the nursery funding we get most of DD's nursery fees funded and you may get some help as well.

My SILs DD has no routine whatso ever so it does make it hard. I will try toget him to a nursery where they will (hopefully) be stricter at following it and he willhave lots of kids to interact with. He goes to bed at 7pm and stays there til 7am but how much sleephe gets varies. He has been sleeeping for 2 hours every afternoon lately and sometimes 30-60 mins in the morning too.

Try not to let it get you down. For some strange reason families love to point out where your going wrong, and somehow forget to mention the good things you are doing with your little boy. Ignore them and focus on your own family, thats all that matters. Take care xxx

I would get in touch with the local college as soon as possible to sound them out. My friend had an 11 month old and then had naturally conceived triplets!!!!! 4 DC under 1 year old. Social services wouldn't help - they would if she had had quads FGS!! The local college was a godsend for her - they supplied her with 2 very good nursery nurse trainees.

I remember feeling like I couldn't cope with my sleepless DS at that age and I wasn't even pregnant with twins, so am sending you a massive hug. Ignore relatives, they're so annoyingly wrong and they should be supportive not making you feel worse. Christmas and upheaval are designed to wreck routines and he's only clingy because he can't cope with the change I'd guess, so try to get him back to his routine and take as many breaks from him as you can to give yourself sanity. Try to sort that sciatica too. I used to walk to give myself headspace, as DS was always quieter and relatively content when in the buggy. Sciatica's a killer though - is it pregnancy related?