What ALTERNATIVES to time out are there for a 2.6 year old?

[senatorvass]

My 2.6 year old is having a lot of behavioural problems recently. Quite badly. He is hyper sensitive and easily hurt and vulnerable. We have been using TO but I have a feeling we need a different approach. But I need to manage his sometimes violent, upsetting behaviour somehow. What can I do? I am almost broken by it and wondering if there is something seriously wrong with him. In MY HEAD I even used the words "special needs" yesterday. Please help.

possibly try and avoid possible triggers to stop things getting to the melt-down stage (e.g. have a predictable routine, keep an eye on possible dietary triggers, and see if he feels overwheemed by noise/crowds etc. Are you happy with his speech and understanding in general? just asking as a language or hearing problem can cause frustration that looks like bad behaviour.

spot on tc. we have a ds1 who is/was like this, he will be 8 next week. We made everything very predictable and routine, and taught him strategies for taking himself out of the red mist rage and breathing, counting, all the good old chestnut stuff; I've also taught him some visualisation techniques on a simple level so that when he starts to feel stressed he goes somewhere and imagines himself climbing up a mountain and then sitting enjoying the view. obviously this would be hard for a little one and he's grown into this from being around 5. Before that - wehn he was around the age your ds is, we use "magic sleepy dust" - where we sprinkle an imaginary glitter dust on our body starting from our toes, slowly up our legs, on lur knees, tummy, down each arm etc - drag it out as you see fit for your lo... It certainly makes them relax. I also use this as a relaxation calming activity at the end of our dance classes (I'm a teacher) with three to six year olds and it works beautifully.

sorry for the heaps of typos - and i haven't even got at the wine yet

I am not worried about his hearing or language at all. He is shockingly verbal he knows easily a thousand words and talks all the time. He also has a rock solid routine and has done for over a year and a half and no changes there. He is never made to be over tired, hungry, overactive etc.

But he is just getting increasingly disturbed. I cant even explain it. If he sees anyone else cry he freaks completely. Yesterday we were on a lovely family day out and a little child cried and in the middle of this cafe he just stood frozen and screamed blue murder and shook and cried. And literally everyone went quiet and stared and all I could do was lead him out of there and that is happening all the time. He just randomly throws things and screams and it just is out of control. My HV doesnt know what to do with him. GP is pretty useless.

I am scared for him and worried for him. He gets so upset it is heartbreaking. And I cant work out what is going on in his head. Then all of a sudden he is happy and lively again but his lows are soooooooooo low. And I am in terror now of something setting him off. And it could be anything. I cant anticipate another child crying or something slightly unhappy on cbeebees or whatever. And as its getting worse he is getting just so unhappy and difficult to manage. I just badly want him to be happy and well adjusted but he isnt at all. He cant ever be around other children. Its awful.

well I am probably the worst person to advise given my DS was very speech delayed and fairly placid so probably a polar opposite to your DS - all that springs to mind is 1)having discussions about why people are sad and how it doesn't always mean there is anything awful wrong and 2)if you can nip things in the bud by reassuring him if you see a child crying (obviously if he starts to kick off instantaneously then this may not apply).

senatorvass, I have 2 tantrum-prone dcs but what you describe sounds a bit beyond my ken. I am really sorry. It sounds distressing for you and your ds. His speech is truly impressive. Is his understanding/comprehension at the same level?

I have seen this book recommended: The Highly Sensitive Child - Helping Children Thrive when the World Overwhelms Them

I have this book and really like it. Raising Your Spirited Child. There is a section for sensitive children.

You could try posting this in Special Needs. The ladies there are very helpful and even if they cannot recognise anything in what you describe, they can advise you on how to pursue this further with professionals. Your HV and GP sound useless.

I hope you get to the bottom of this. It may be just a phase for an advanced child who is feeling frustrated.

thank you both for your support.

His understanding/comprehension is on a par with his speech. He seems to know everything. I cant describe it. HV said he is definitely showing early signs of G&T but thats all the knowledge she has to give.

I will post this in special needs and see if there is any insight to be had there. And I will also get both those books.

All HV advises is time out time out time out but I just dont feel like its helping at all. I need something else.

If he's genuinely distressed then I agree - I don't see the point of time out, or that it would be fair. When DS was distressed at that age, I would either have given him some cuddles to calm him down, or taken him out of the room (with me!), I wouldn't have done time out. does he have a particular comfort object - as if he could be encouraged to clutch that when upset rather than scream etc?

Senatorvass, on the issue of timeout, I would be tempted to forget about it for now. My tantrummy children are beyond themselves with hysteria to appreciate the significance. Plus 2.6 is very very young, whatever supernanny may imply. Your ds does not need boundaries enforced, he just needs hugs and cuddles if he will let you.

I do put my ds screaming in the middle of the carpet so he does not hurt himself and for the tantrum to run its course. That is not time out, I don't think because I hold out my arms to him ever so often until he will melt into them.

But I am a big softie. They do say children need our love the most when they deserve it the least.

thank you blueshoes I think I will talk it over with DH and see about dropping the TO. I am a softie as well but my HV said (and it has stuck with me) that if I dont nip this in the bud now he will end up a spoiled child who nobody wants to play with.

I'm having the same issues with my 2.6 yr old also. When he gets up on a morning hes grumpy and can cry and scream for up to 2 hrs. I've stopped taking him into the supermarket and other places because it's too stressful. I don't do timeout with him, but I try and ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good behaviour. This is fine at home but when we are out it's a nightmare. My mum just said he's high-spirted but that doesn't make it any easier. he's my first child and I keep thinking that I'm not doing things right. Anyway, i do not seem to be making any progress with him and I too have literally got to the end of my tether.

ljwolfe2 do you have much support with him? and are friends & family sympathetic?

Merry Christmas everyone.
xxx

I have two boys who would both have found the situations you describe difficult. The problem was triggered to a certain extent by the sensory issues related to their autism.

Ds2 in particular could be calm one moment and completely out of control the next and the triggers weren't always predictable. His Occupational Therapist described it as being like a switch that had been flipped. Even the tiniest amount of sensory input over what he was able to cope with and he would go into complete overload. He would throw anything he could get his hands on, including chairs that should have been far too heavy for him to lift.

If your ds is very sensitive to noise or a particular pitch then the sound of a child crying could well be physically painful for him.

In your position I would start by keeping a short diary of what is happening, with the most important part being what was happening just before the meltdown. You may see a pattern emerge.

With ds2 the best way to calm him down was to give him a place to retreat to: a pop-up tent, a table to crawl under, or even just a blanket to hide under. As he got older he was able to train himself to retreat when needed.

I wouldn't use timeout if genuinely distressed and 'beside himself' that will be counterproductive. that's best used if behaviour is more wilful. also your DS is young still, my DS is 2.6 and personally i think he is a bit young at the mo' for time out, however short.

if you think the behaviour is more genuine panic / upset then perhaps some of the following might help -

keep a diary to work out when meltdowns happen and also any near misses. analyse it when you're feeling calm.

follow coppertops advice on reducing sensory stimulation. try to work out which senses bright lights, certain sounds, smells, touch (for some children it can be labels in clothing etc) your DS is sensitive to and try to reduce them

is there a comfort item that reassures DS when he is about to wobble that he may like to hold, finger etc, perhaps he could take it to difficult places

the thing about other children's emotions is interesting. given that your DS is so verbal, perhaps you could talk through with him a little, at a basic level about emotion. show him pictures in books of other people being / looking happy and sad, perhaps simple reasons why people are happy or sad, and that sadness does not usually last all the time. comment on your own emotoins as you go about your daily life, e.g. mummy is happy because you tidied up, mummy is sad because daddy has to work late or whatever seems to fit

it's difficult adjusting to the world as a two year old, so bear in mind that this hopefully won't last for ever. Do the best you can and don't blame yourself if incidents occur.

oh and don't let your HV freak you out either!

HV sounds like a right charmer . Using words like spoilt brat for a distressed sensitive 2 year old child makes me cross.
Young children really are surprisingly tolerant of quirks etc - when DS was severely speech delayed the children his age at nursery were very kind and friendly. So please don't get too hung up on what your HV is saying.

thank very much everyone for your help. I am posting here and on my thread in special needs at the same time so forgive me if I am repeating myself.

Alex has got a comfort item, its my old cure t-shirt (how tragically hip! hehe) he loves it and we generally leave it wrapped around his neck.

I am grateful for you telling me you think TO isnt appropriate... its what I think too and I needed to be backed up on it as I was terrified I was spoiling him by NOT doing it b/c of what HV said.

coppertop your DS sounds like mine. I will indeed start keeping a diary.

Hello and happy Christmas! Just wondering - you said your GP and HV aren't very helpful, have you considered asking for a referral for an assessment with a clinical psychologist? They may be able to offer you some more useful insights and plans of how to help your child, as well as understanding why he is reacting to other children crying with such sensitivity.

With the reaction to the crying - can you ever remember a time or situation where you or someone you know reacted to someone crying with fear or some other acute reaction that he might have witnessed? His reaction sounds almost like a phobic reaction, I just wonder if he has developed some kind of fear response to crying, and if so, this could be overcome with a standard approach to overcoming phobias.

Just a thought!

I cant think of any time he has been exposed to someone crying or reacting to crying in a bad way. But I do want a referral. I have to take him to see a peadiatriciam on the 30th for something else anyway so I will ask them.

Hi, just wanted to add that in my (limited!) experience (I've got a 4.6yr old DD and 2.4yr old DS), 2 is a very sensitive age. When my daughter was that age she got incredibly scared and hysterical about all sorts of weird things, as well as having horrendous night terrors. I remember her older cousin telling her quite innocently about fairies and my daughter being completely hysterical. Now she's very robust and never has nightmares and it's the turn of my DS to be unpredictable. Watching Kung Fu Panda earlier, he starting freaking out because the screen was getting darker and he thought a scary scene must be coming. Even if the music seems a little bit more menacing, he gets hysterical. I think we'll stick with Bob the builder for a while!

I'm hoping it will pass with him, as it did with my daughter, so you may just have to give it time.