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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Sociable 11 month old scared of one person only

18 replies

pamelat · 23/12/2008 19:46

Hi, hoping someone can help us out please.

Our 11 month DD is very sociable. I have posted on here before about how she is almost "too" confident and will go to anyone.

I am with her every day until she is 12 months. She does not have any separation anxiety ... yet.

Our dilemma is her reaction (consistently) to my SIL's boyfriend.

She has met him 8 or 9 times since she was little. I can't remember her reaction in the very early days but since she has been about 5 months old, each time she has seen him, she has looked at him, stuck her bottom lip out and then cried/screamed and looked for me. She does not do this with anyone else.

He is young ish and quite shy. At first I wondered if it was because he doesn't say a lot (whilst she is used to be the centre of attenion, PFB).

However, its getting worse.

At a family party on Sunday she cried from the momement he arrived to (pointing at him) us leaving. I really don't understand it. She actually shouted "mama mama" and put her arms out to me screaming, something which she has never felt the need to do before.

He has never been alone with her (before any sinister ideas of nastiness). I don't understand and I need to know how to fix it.

He is likely to become her uncle!

I asked him to give her a biscuit to try and solve the problem, with me holding her she accepted the biscuit but turned away immediately and cried.

Strangely though she will sometimes stare at him, but if he looks at her she will immediately cry.

Any ideas anyone?

He had shaved especially in case it was that! Poor guy.

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LadyOfWaffle · 23/12/2008 19:51

Does he have a beard/moustache?

deanychip · 23/12/2008 19:53

or glasses?
mine did this with a neighbour woth a tash n glaasses

JollyPirate · 23/12/2008 19:53

Oh bless her. Not sure what the answer is - poor man must feel dreadful. Perhaps he feels a bit unsure around babies/children and she senses that unease. Think you did the right thing with the biscuit. Possibly she has noted the reaction to her response to him and has just learned that behaviour in which case it will probably go with time.

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 23/12/2008 19:55

Sometimes they just don't take to people in the same way that you or I as an adult might not warm to someone.

My aunt, who has always been close to the family, came to visit with Mum & Dad in hospital and DS didn't like being cuddled by her as a newborn, and subsequently when we visited wasn't keen on being held.

But now he is 2.8 he gets on fine with her. I have no idea why he wasn't so keen but I know generally he is fonder of men rather than women.

Sounds like she is just trying to suss him out, i wouldn't worry.

Original poster

pamelat · 23/12/2008 20:00

No beard or moustache but he has quite stylish young lad type hair, sort of on to his face. I did wonder about this?

No glasses. He had shaved his stubble off especially just in case.

He has young step brothers and they love him! They are 2 and 3, so I know its a bit different.

I wonder whether its because he is shy and therefore anxious at social gatherings (especially maybe family ones?), but DD's reaction to him heightens that and makes him centre of attention.

He has never held her. She wont let me take her near him. I was tempted to just pass her over but her fear is genuine so I can't do that to her. I feel it should be on her own terms.

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 23/12/2008 20:02

DD used to do this with old people, men with beards/mustaches, and especially black people. (It was very embarrassing, especially re one old black lady at the airport )

Is he in any way different than the people she normally sees - racially, hairwise, etc?

Original poster

pamelat · 23/12/2008 20:03

I did wonder about trying to meet up with him whilst he is with his 2 little brothers so that my DD can see him with children?

OP posts:

ComeWhineWithMe · 23/12/2008 20:06

My dd is the very sociable and has no qualms about chatting away to people ,but she is terrified of my Mum who has never done anything to her and all my other dc love her to bits ,she just has an irrational fear of her .

Maenad · 23/12/2008 20:09

my dd used to be like this with my dad, which was awful. i don't think there is anything you can do (i tried everything i could think of) except wait for her to grow out of it, which i am sure she will do. my dd now thinks my dad is the most thrilling person on the planet.

Original poster

pamelat · 23/12/2008 20:24

oh dear (and poor mum and dad ) I will just persevere. I am a bit worried that he will now avoid family functions, which would cause a problem really.

OP posts:

pudding25 · 23/12/2008 22:10

My goddaughter used to do this with her uncle's best friend. She would scream blue murder whenever she saw him. She grew out of it.

Another friend's little girl used to be like this with DH's best friend. He is asian and they even got the little girl an asian doll to play with thinking that would help. She also grew out of it.

I think it is pretty common.

piscesmoon · 23/12/2008 22:17

I think it is very common. My DS2 was like it with his uncle-his uncle looked very like his father (maybe he found it confusing). He grew out of it!

christywhisty · 23/12/2008 22:21

My niece was like this with my DH until she was 3. He is tall and nobody in our family is over 5'6 including her dad, so we think it was to do with that.He also has a moustache and glasses.
Then one day she made up her mind she wasn't going to be scared of him anymore, it was very sweet as you could see her plucking up courage to talk to him.

Original poster

pamelat · 24/12/2008 08:04

I had no idea how common this is.

He does look very slightly like my brother, maybe that confuses her.

Its just very odd.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

littleboyblue · 24/12/2008 08:09

It's very strange isn't it? Does he try to give her lots of attention and fuss over her? Does he look at her alot and smile and try to give her toys and things? I only ask because I've noticed with a few lo's that they tend to be more interested in those that aren't really that interested in them if that makes any sense.
For example, small children (apart from my own) un-nerve me a bit, I don't know why, I think it's because depending on the age, I'm not sure how to talk/treat them iykwim and the more I try to avoid direct contact with someone under 7, they won't leave me alone.....
Just wondered if it might be something like that?

BouncingTinsel · 24/12/2008 08:12

My youngest niece was afraid of my DH for a while - she would cry every time she saw him. We think it is because he and his brother (dn's dad) look very similar - so she would look at him and think 'Daddy!' then realise 'not daddy!' Think she stopped doing it at just over a year old!
My DH and his DB are so similar that when his DB got married (DH was best man and they were in identical outfits) people kept going up to DH and congratulating him!

blueshoes · 24/12/2008 08:20

pamelat, my dd did this to my father who came to visit from afar - over all of 3 days - she would not be in the same room with him despite all our efforts.

Again, she had never met my father before so no issue of past experiences.

Sometimes babies just get a bee in their bonnet about someone and it is not rational.

I would suggest not making an issue of it when your SIL's boyfriend visit. He should just ignore your ds and chat to you or your SIL and you all just carry on as per normal - let her stare at him and take it in that he is a friend to all of you. If your ds is upset, then either you or he leaves the room. It is tough but nothing really you can do. And explain to your SIL's boyfriend (who sounds lovely BTW - shaving and all) that it is just something babies do and will grow out of, and hopefully he will not take it personally.

Original poster

pamelat · 24/12/2008 19:50

littleboyblue, he does not interact with her as much as most people do. She loves attention but I think now he is afraid to give any.

will see how christmas morning goes!

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