How do you handle a tantrum in public?

[expatkat]

Ds, 3.5 nearly, clearly overtired after after a full day at nursery school, went haywire over some tiny thing and hurled himself on the floor in the area where the children put on their shoes and coats. People had to step over him; teachers and parents stared; I could do nothing (and nor could my brother, who was with me). I had to carry him the frong door, where the tantrum continued. He lay on the ground screaming, even attracting an audience. I tried ignoring, shouting, threatening, bribing--not all at once, of course. He is very difficult to overpower physically at his age, but I was able to carry him home, sort of upside down, with him thrashing his legs and arms and shouting. Tantrums like these are a highly unusual for him, but not unheard of. I can handle them at home easily enough because I can walk away and ignore him properly, but not when we're out on a busy street, as we were today. Does anyone have any creative ideas for handling these public scenes?

I too had the same problem today (see other thread on smacking). I used to get embarrassed and whisper in his ear "just you wait till I get you home", but today I was very suprised how calm I was. He was screaming the place down because I made him put some sweets back because he his me. I repeated in a calm voice why he wasn't having any he still screamed. This was the first time that I didn't get embarrassed. I didn't take too much attention from the other people as sure they would of had a better way of dealing with it. To be honest when he knew it was winding me up he did it even more. Try to keep calm and do not show any sign of weakness (hard to believe we are talking about a toddler). I do not think it is something that we can prevent, all toddlers go through this stage, although lately DS is doing it less and less.

Ignore the general public! Ds1 (3 and a half- almost 4) tantrums frequently in public. It's par for a thee course really as he's autistic. Last week I bravely deceide to tackle Somerfield. I had ds2 in th double buggy. Usually when we reach the shop I make ds1 sit in the buggy but I decided to let him walk round the shop. He did really well- even caried some celery for me. We came to pay- again he did really well. I had packed 1 out of 3 bags when he'd had enough (I had been saying "nice waiting " over and over again so I was already getting funny looks). He tried to run, screaming, I grabbed him and he headbutted the till, much to the cashiers suprise. I ignored the screaming - and just kept repeating very calmly "A... wait, A ...wait" until we had finished. Once we moved he was fine. Everyone stared, a few tutted, but so what. Tantrums just need thick skins- then do what you feel right doing.

I would just (try to) do what you did, expatkat, but without the shouting, threatening, bribing bit. Ignore the behaviour and carry him home as best you can. Or take a buggy to get him home if that is feasible.

at the age of 2 my son was the king of tantrums i tried everything and at the end i use to say the same as breeze "you just wait till we get home" i wouldn`t talk to him all the way home and once there i used to put him on the sofa and order him not to move,no television,eye contact with me etc this happened to work and after that just one evil look from me would be enough to stop a tantrum also ignoring people that stared helped me,it might sound harsh but he did put me through hell!!

Expatkat they are horrible aren't they? I've had to deal with some spectacular tantrums in public too and I hate it! I agree with Jimjams and breeze, you have to try to stay calm and try not to be embarrassed (although I know how hard it can be). I wouldn't plead or beg either (like breeze says, show no weakness ) but I think it's all right to threaten, once, clearly and then follow through. i.e I'm going to count to five and then if you don't stop/move/whatever then xyz will happen (in my case, if you don't stop that you'll be strapped in to your buggy and not allowed to walk). I do think if you make threats you have to follow through though, decisively and immediately and don't back down. And you have to act as if you're totally in control I think, even if you don't feel it.

They do lessen slightly with age although ds is still capable of the most revolting behaviour sometimes. Good luck.

But expatkat, just before Christmas ds had the most revolting tantrum in the middle of xmas shoppers in Woolworths and I dealt with it by dragging him kicking and screaming out of the shop (he's too heavy to lift) to the car where, I'm ashamed to say, I screamed my head off at him. My head was practically spinnng and my throat raw because I was so cross and shouting so loudly. When we got home I slammed the door so hard it smashed and locked myself in the loo for 10 minutes to calm down while dp swept up the glass. So my first post was the theory and this one is how it sometimes (when it's really bad) works in practice

Its normally me who has the tantrum because the kids won't do what I ask, I've had plenty of hoarse voice episodes and have stomped off to sulk on many occasions. When one of the children throws a wobbly I have been known to walk away and hide at a safe distance until the little horror decides that they really don't want to be left kicking and screaming on the floor, it works every time.

Oooooh, tantrums! DS (3 next week) has just started having them. It seems no sooner do you get over one phase (hitting smaller kids), then you move to the next one! DS has been going 'into one' when it has been time to leave the park/playbarn etc. I give him a countdown (ie 'it's time to go in 5 minutes' but I still end up dragging him kicking and screaming back to the car, with him yelling 'no go home' over and over. Thankfully he doesn't know how to undo the carseat strap, but it's a HELL of a job getting him into the carseat in the first place. I then drive home dripping in sweat, red in the face, ignoring him, but he can string the tantrum out all the way home (30 mins worth sometimes!). As others have said, just try and keep your nerve and don't give an inch - which is easier said than done. Any tips for stopping his tantrums gratefully received!

wickedwaterwitch - love it - LOL

My technique for carrying an on-the-floor-tantruming child is to turn him face down, grab him round the centre of gravity (the hips) with the right hand, pin the thighs with the right elbow and grab both wrists with left hand and keep his arms extended!! Looks kind of like a sideways battering ram while being carried but seems to keep him from doing any damage while removing to a place of safety.

Fortunately, he's just turned 4 and hasn't had that kind of tantrum for nearly a year. I say fortunately 'cos he's rather too tall and heavy now...!

Oh it makes me so cross when other parents stare. I always think that if you aren't going to offer to help in some way, you should just get on with whatever it is you're doing. I can't believe there is a 5 year old in the land who hasn't undulged in unreasonable behaviour at some point.

I had one of these the other day with ds2. Unfortunately ds1 decided to joinh in, and they were both screaming etc in the street, & I had a friend waiting with me to go home (we'd just finished in a play group). I tried everything. ds2 kept trying to climb out of the pushchair ( rdespite straps) & I was getting more & more stressed.

RThen I managed to get a glimpse of the situation from afar as it were, and realised how rediculous it was to even try to deal with it. So I ushered them into the lobby & said firmly that we wouldn't move until they'd calmed down, then I stood just the other side of the door & took some deep breaths. They took about 10 seconds to calm down, after all that time with me battling with them. I guess in the middle of the street it's not so feasible (although that is where I was), but putting them somewhere safe and totally ignoring works every time (once I finally remember - they are thankfully few & far between!)

Thank you all for your good suggestions and anecdotes. Breeze, I love your 'show no weakness' stance. And Jimjams and othersyou're absolutely right about ignoring the general public, and I shall try harder to do that in future, instead of allowing it to make me cross (like you, bells2) and uncomfortable. I really dislike gawkers and find I can't resist saying something like, 'Look! We have an audience!' That usually makes people turn away instantlybut some people still aren't deterred.

I confess that I have some paranoia about being 'the American mum' at school because I have the sense that English (and European) parents expect more from their children, earlier, re behaviour, than most American parents. As it happens, I'm quite a firm parent when necessary, much closer to the English model (if there is such a thing), but I always have this feeling that the teachers etc are judging me for what they perceive to be my American laxity.

But I guess that's beside the point because, as many of you have rightly said, who cares what anyone thinks.

(judetheobscure, I do take a buggy but do not have the physical strength to get him to sit in it during these wobblies. Even 2 of us couldn't get him in yesterday!)

Thanks again, everyone.

Just jumping on this thread with a question....tantrums are relatively new to me with my 15 mth old dd and I'd love some advice. She has just started walking and obviously loves being on her feet now and hates the car seat/buggy etc. I am finding it increasingly difficult to get her into the car seat (esp after nursery) whereas 1 month ago it wasn't an issue. My 2 techniques so far have been :

1. Moving away from the car and distracting her and using the dummy to calm her (but I don't want to increase dummy use as she usually only has it for sleep). This sometimes works.
2. Forcing her in !!(I have to put my head on her tummy to keep her in place and strap her in - all the time i'm yapping away as normal or singing and she is unconsolable!) Usually this way the tears and screaming stop 2 mins after the car starts.

Now i'm not sure which way is best. I feel really mean etc with method 2 but we get on with things and I feel I am ignoring her tantrum. Number 1 is more relaxed but we don't always have the time or space for it and as I said I don't want to increase dummy use (distraction alone works until we get back to the car).

Any advice welcome

Bigbird--at the stage your dd is at, distraction and force really are your two only options. When she's a little older and can be reasoned with, then bribery can enter the picture. When she's a little older than that, simple reasoning will usually do (+ a bit of bribery )

I, too, used to use the dummy for situations like yours, even though in general the rule was that dummies were only for sleeping. People say that consistency is important. . .but then again, so is sanity

A good idea in the carseat situation is a bribe with food, maybe a cracker or biscuit or something similar, just waving one in front of a tantruming toddler often works with my 2. Or if your going home for lunch then take a bit of the lunch with you, the sandwich or apple, whatever. This is ok of course, if you dont mind the kids eating in the car! I always try to make sure ive got food with me in the car. It really helps stop the whinging half way through a long journey too.

This is all rather alarming to me I am very frightened of the tantrum stage. My DD is 8 months, and we have just begun the "constant flipping over on the changing mat, foot in poo, wipes coming out like they are magic hankies, nappycream everywhere, can't get the nappy on for love or money, hand tightly on chest pinning down a now screaming baby" stage, and I find I am already completely useless at trying the manage the situation.

And it's just going to get worse isn't it... SOB SOB

And you've just made me realise how difficult my britax carseat harness is to fasten, and that's with a baby sitting still. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

snickers

Few things are ever as bad as you fear.

Snickers!!

I've a britax car seat too and it's great but yes its tricky to fasten as you have to twist the straps just right - hence me forcing her into the seat and putting my head on her tummy to keep her there so I have 2 hands free to fasten it !!! I think I'll try distraction once and if it isn't working then force. It's just you feel so awful when other people pass by and you're pinning your screaming baby in a car seat !! I know...I know - ignore them

I've just read this thread and found it hilarious (especially imagine poor Bigbird with her head on babys tummy to keep her in place)...oh the things we do! My dd is 22 months and has had a few major tantrums in public, usually involving throwing herself on the floor when she can't get her own way. I have found the best way is to pick her up (she's usually kicking and screaming so can be quite dangerous!) and remove her from the shop and other people to a quiet place (if you can find one). I then put her down, give her a few strong words and then 'ignore' her if she carries on. This usually works well and my sister has told me that compared to her children my dd snaps out of her tantrums very quickly (which I suppose means the theory works). Re: peoples stares I am always mortified but I suppose as time goes by I will become less embarrassed by the whole thing, especially if I go on to have another one!!