OK I AM NOW AT THE END OF MY TETHER!

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

right i will try and keep this as short as poss.

ds1's sperm donor and I split when ds1 was 22m old. he saw him regularly for 6m then went off and repeated this every year until 2006 when on ds1's 7th b;day he told him he no longer wanted to see ds1. I have to say I did then put my foot down the next time sperm donor made contact and told him no way was he seeing ds1.
Well ds1 is now 10, i have ds215m with dp who i have been with since 2006, who loves ds1, calls him his son, takes him out so they have plenty of 1-1 time, and is an all round brilliant dad to both boys.

DS1 is an angel for him when they are out together but every day and i mean everyday DS1 screams at me, ignores me is totally rude and disrespectful and then 5 minutes later wants to be my best friend when he has screamed my home down...
When we are all together he also ignores dp if he asks him to do something. Just like he does with me.

I have to admit i do shout at him and i have stopped myself earlier this evening slapping his leg for the way he spoke to me and also the way he was bullying ds2, unfortunatly he carried on and I did slap his hand. I don't feel bad about it as he had slapped ds2 who is only a baby, YES I know i will be slated for what I said.

But please I am at the end of my tether as this behaviour has gone on now for almost 6 yrs. I have taken him to a child psych who said he knows what he is doing he will stop when he is ready.

He screams so loud that when we were in our old flat and ds2 was a tiny baby we ended up with 4 police officers in our flat as someone thought there was a domestic going on. When they came in and saw me crying, ds2 sleeping, dp sitting calmly and ds1 was in his bedroom. I explained what had happened and off one officer went to talk to ds1 alone. I did worry because ds1 had already told me if i took him anywhere about his behaviour he would say i beat him, which i don't. Anyway officer came back into living room and said, "you have an extremely intelligent little boy in there and he knows exactly what he is doing with his behaviour"

And off they went, he then tells us (ds1 this is)
"Yes I know what i am doing, I can stop if i want but i don't want to"

A few weeks ago he really upset dp and myself by telling us he is only misbehaving so dp leaves and ds2 has no dad like him. DP has done more with him in 3 yrs than his sperm donor has done in 10 1/2 yrs.

Anyone got any advice? I am so worn out by it all

Your penultimate paragraph is the root of it, isn't it. Is it insecurity then? There must be a book that could help.

Sorry to be so little help.

i think you need to remind him, that if social services are involved - he is the one taken away ( if anyone is at all ) leaving you do and your other son.

i really thinkt hats kids dont think through these threats of calling someone to say you beat them, my dd threatened this much the same age as your ds - i gave her the phone and said " knock yourself out - you do understand - they don't take me away don't you?"

so spell it out. - dont threaten him with ss

Gramma If he had said I am testing dp then I could say it was insecurity BUT He said "I want him to go so ds2 is brought up without a dad like me.

Custardo I don't threaten with SS the police, child psych, myself, dp, sis, and staff at school have explained what will happen..His answer is always the same "It will be better than living here i will see Ben then" (he doesn't call Sperm donor dad and hasn't since he was 3 or 4.

DP is doing all he can with him, after he showed an interest in fishing dp has taken him and I every week, the last 6 weeks just dp and ds1 have gone as it is too cold for ds2.

I know what I am about to say will probably make me seem really nasty but I am not, I love ds1 dearly, it has always been him and I, iyswim. But right now I dread him coming home from school as I know there will be shouting, screaming, crying, tantrums, ignorance etc.

If i ask him to go to bed whether that is 8,9,10,11,12 o'clock he will scream and shout at me that he is not tired and then struggles to get up in the morning.

Its not just the tantrums its the bullying towards ds2, there are 9 yrs between them and ds2 is just a baby he is 15 months old. I wanted to move ds2 into ds1's bedroom and was faced with "If you put him in here I will wake him up every night and make him cry"

So ds2 is still in my room (which tbh I am happy with). He complains I spend no time with him but everytime i get ds2 asleep he will wake him up by either shouting, moving his travel cot or being a pita and making a noise.

On the other side he is a very intelligent little boy, who is in the top groups at school has reading age of 14/15yr old, very articulate, and when he wants to be, the most loving caring person in the world. Its just the nastiness is there constantly and I can't see the niceness because of it.

Maybe it is ME because he is not like this for other people.

It is you, in that he knows how far he can go with you and doesn't know how far he can go with other people, so is more careful - but, and it is a big but, this is normal - my boys behave better for other people than they do for me.

And a second but - also a big one - it is not your fault.

My heart goes out to you - you are clearly having a dreadful time at the moment and can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I have a friend who's a single mum, whose ds behaves like yours, and she's got a keyworker for him who comes and talks to them both - I think this was arranged via the school. You aren't the only one having to go through this, though it probably feels as if you are totally alone at the moment as you struggle with this.

Can I suggest family counselling? I assume this would be arranged via your gp. I wish there was more I could do to help.

Hugs.

sunnygirl we did go to family counselling via the gp and all she did was tell me how it was my own fault for giving him too many choices and letting him voice his opinion.

In the end she said there was nothing she could do as he knew exactly what he was doing and only he can stop it. He rarely smiles he is so down all the time even when we are trying to have fun...he always seems to find something to moan about.

He won't clean his room, getting him to bath is a major issue, he is fussy over food, won't go to bed on time, and if he does he spends half the night reading by the courtyard light,

I do feel this is my fault as I made his father go and in the end I stopped the visits.

You did what you thought was best for your son - please don't blame yourself for that decision. The single mum friend I mentioned who's having similar problems with her ds has maintained contact with his father - who is unreliable and frankly has made things worse - so keeping your ds's father in the picture might not have helped, and might have made things worse.

I'm sorry that family counselling did not work for you - my gut reaction is that it's some sort of talking therapy that's needed - to help you and your ds unpick why he's behaving the way he is. As I say, I wish I could help more, and I hope that what I've said hasn't upset you or made you feel worse.

Hugs.

Sunny He will happily tell people he has no respect for me . Maybe it is my fault as when I was on my own with him i tried to give him the things both a mum and dad would iyswim.

I did over compensate and I know that. For example on some occassions when sperm donor let him down I would take him out and we would have a great day always ending in a meal and a pressie....to distract him from the upset he was feeling.

I guess I have spoilt him, in fact i know i have. We used to be so so close and now he is so disconnected from me yet still seeking my praise over everyone elses....if that makes sense!

I meant to add the reason we split was he was very violent towards me and on one occassion to ds1, who as i said was only 22m old when we split. That is the reason I made him go in the first place.

I am so sorry if my comments have upset you, TLES. You clearly made the right decision when you made the sperm donor leave.

I hope that you can find the help you need. Please don't be hard on yourself over past decisions - we all make mistakes.

Hugs.

I still think it's insecurity. If he were testing, he wouldn't say he was, he'd say exaclty what you describe. I think it's probably jealousy too, that DS2 has his dad around, whereas he's been let down so badly.