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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do you boost self esteem in an 8 year old girl - with none?

23 replies

pulltheotherone · 17/12/2008 23:36

I started another thread about my poor DD - who's self esteem is rock bottom.

Key things -

Best friend moved school
Is about 3 yrs behind in maths (has a tutor)
Has no friends to play with
Struggles to get her words out

Her tutor is great and has picked up that her confidence is very low when she asked her to describe qualities and what she is good at.

So I would appreciate ideas for fixing this imbalance and advoce from anyone who has been here too pls! HUGE thanks

OP posts:

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VivaLaPotPourri · 17/12/2008 23:38

a hobby IME. Make friends with similar intrests. For me it was horse riding. HTH

Original poster

pulltheotherone · 17/12/2008 23:40

Ta - she does horseriding yes and has mande a freind in the last couple of weeks that wants her to for a sleepover ( i know her mum). They are not at same school but maybe I should make more of that.

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GoodWilfToAllMN · 17/12/2008 23:40

Dunno about this specifically for kids but encouraging her to regularly focus on those good things (like, every day) would help I think...

Buy her some brightly coloured post-its and help her think about one new thing a day that's good about being her?

And then have her stick them somewhere she can read them each day?

And i'd imagine making sure she knows you love her whatever she's feeling like; and that you value her whatever she does will be important too...

Original poster

pulltheotherone · 17/12/2008 23:41

makes sense, even though sounds simple. I like that idea!

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ninedragons · 17/12/2008 23:55

Poor little chicken.

I was actually thinking about this this morning. I always used to feel chuffed if my mother quietly remarked upon some characteristic that I wasn't necessarily displaying at the time. Just saying (often to a third party, within my hearing) "ninedragons has very sharp eyes," or "ninedragons is very perceptive" or whatever. Children at that age have a very finely tuned bullshit detector and see through effusive praise, but it was always warming to know that my mum was paying attention to my personality.

Original poster

pulltheotherone · 18/12/2008 00:01

yes, i relate to that for sure. If my Mum said something about me to someone, it would make my day. Her bullshit detector is SO on high at the moment!

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stealthsquiggle · 18/12/2008 00:06

Struggling to get her words out - this may be left-field and might not apply to your DD but a friend's DS in a similar situation has really blossomed with Stagecoach?

Another (but similar) tangent - we have signed DS up for singing lessons not because he will ever excel at it but because he needs some help to have the confidence to sing in group lessons even though his voice is so low-pitched that he can't sing in the same key as his classmates.

Is the tutor good? Can he/she get to the bottom of why she doesn't "get" maths?

ninedragons · 18/12/2008 00:08

I'd also be careful to be sincere. I was (and remain to this day) the most galumphing, unathletic, two-left-feet person, so if anyone had praised my athletic ability I would have known instantly they were full of it.

Something along the lines of "well, my darling, you might be having trouble with maths at the moment, but by God your perseverance is going to take you far in life" will hit the mark much more closely than "you're so good at maths!"

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 18/12/2008 00:14

Ooh, one of the things dd did was positive visulisation. You shouldfind some info if you google it but basically, as she goes to sleep you use calm breathing etc to have her very relaxed then you talk her through a scenario that she finds hard, in the visulisation she is succesful at whatever it is she tries - no excitment, she just goes and does it really well, then goes away again IYSWIM. This is repeated in the morning as she wakes up.

It takes some concentrated effort on your part at first but it really does work as, when faced with the problem, her brain will - eventually - return to her visulisation not to her last bad experience. Eventually she will be able to do it herself.

Sorry, I am not explaining it well but it is a simple technique you can do yourselves and can be adapted to new situations as they come up.

hth

snice · 18/12/2008 00:17

Have you thought about sending her to Brownies? (not sure how old she is) It's quite a gentle way to make new friends

snice · 18/12/2008 00:18

Just seen her age in title -sorry

ThePlanningCommittee · 18/12/2008 00:29

Snice - Brownies is for 8 year olds isn't it? I agree it's a really good way to make friends and learn useful things (some of which I still remember to this day!). The practical stuff in Brownies and Guides is great for giving a sense of achievement too.

pulltheotherone - your DD is so lucky to have such a caring mum. I'm sure you'll be able to get through this rough patch together.

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 18/12/2008 00:32

By OP on previous thread;

"She does brownies, swimming and horseriding (oh and badgers because her best friend that left goes)"

I agree, a very caring parent indeed.

frumpygrumpy · 18/12/2008 00:33

Show her you have failings, don't let her feel that she can't do anything and that you can do everything perfectly. Drop food on the floor, break a plate and don't make a big deal out of it. Let her see that people make mistakes and that it doesn't matter.

Need her help. With stuff you maybe wouldn't normally let her do. Sometimes I let my kids sit on my knee when I put the car in the garage. My dad used to do it with me. Driving at one mile an hour of course!

Let her be a part of the decisions in the house but not so much that she feels all the attention is on her.

Buy the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". I thought it was mince the first time I looked through it but I really do use lots of the stuff in it, with great success. I now listen differently. When my DD1 is upset I don't try to fix it for her, I try to understand it and the book shows you how to do that. It sounds simple but its really not.

Write her a note. Sometimes I write my DD1 a note to say that I noticed something........ I might write:

"Hi DD1, Just wanted to drop you this note because I forgot to say that I saw you made your bed yesterday. I felt like snuggling into it when I saw it! Is there anything you fancy doing at the weekend? Love you!"

Step 1 is getting the communication going then you can tackle her self-esteem.

My DD1 was not a confident girl at all but she has come on leaps and bounds lately. She is almost 8.

frumpygrumpy · 18/12/2008 00:41

The book has a section on using labels to let children know what they are.

So........ "you made your bed, that was being very thoughtful"

"You are organised, I see all your school stuff is ready"

The aim is not to use phrases like "you did that really well" or they feel like they must always do it well for acceptance.

Also repeat what they say. If they say "I got my spelling words right" don't reply with "great, I wonder if you can do it again next week" but say "you got your spelling words right, how did it make you feel?"

I'm not explaining it well, read the book, thoroughly. It might sound cheesy but the stuff is GOOD and works!

Original poster

pulltheotherone · 18/12/2008 22:48

Thanks so much!!!!

REally appreciate your help here and I genuinely feel reassured that maybe I'm not so bad.

I will try the communication - then self esteem, it does makes sense.

I think going on the last day, even just a little effort from me makes a big difference to her.
Brownies had a sleep over last week and she felt she had no friends. Then got told off for leaving her bed (she couldn;t hear what they were saying and was embarassed), so could have gone better.

Stealthsquiggle, I have looked at Stagecoach this evening it's a big amount of time each week but DH and I discussed this last night and said to DD 'You have such a happy face on the stage and so many of the audience commented on how well you did, Mummy and Dadddy would be happy to send you to stagecoach if you would like to go' It really made her day this morning and I felt proud I was making effort for her and her only. Admittedly it feels a rarity. I think I could have done better by her and I really want to bring her out of herself!

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Original poster

pulltheotherone · 18/12/2008 22:49

I'm gald your DD is much happier frumpy - you have obviously put that bit of effort in and given her the freedom to do things herself - well done btw

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frumpygrumpy · 19/12/2008 01:12

ooh ta!, but I do have to work at it all the time. It didn't come naturally........

ninedragons · 19/12/2008 10:29

That sounds very encouraging.

I was coming back to add that (sad but true) sometimes the right possession can make a difference. My stock rose considerably when I was that age because my aunt in Hong Kong sent me a fancy pencil case that everyone in my class coveted.

The other thing is that you have to be proactively nice to people (Wilf was lovely to me on the Show Me Your Desk thread; I voted for her in the Christmas name competition - MN karma!). If she's not a fluent speaker she may find it difficult, so showing her other ways to be friendly (smiling, being quietly helpful) may give her a boost.

georgiemum · 19/12/2008 10:34

Drama club?

Turniphead1 · 19/12/2008 10:38

pulltheotherone we have a family thing of when putting our DC to bed, we each say something that was our "favourite thing" we did that day. Our DC are younger - but I think it encourages a general positive attitude to your day/life and allows us as parents to reinforce things we are proud of that they did (ie my "favourite thing" is often something funny or kind that one of them did).

It is just something we do, but I was quite chuffed that my friend who is a child physchologist adopted the idea in her practice after looking after my DC for the weekend. (Lord knows there is a lot of other stuff in this house which would be far more suited of the "before" secton of Supernanny ).

Hope your DD's confidence improves.

frumpygrumpy · 19/12/2008 12:32

Another thing I used to do with my DD was that she made a wish to the fairies before bed. I would tuck her in and sit with my fingers in my ears so I couldn't hear and she would make a little wish.

Of course, I could hear everything and it was a way I could find out what was important to her. I'd not long had my DTs so I felt she needed extra care. One night she wished we could all go to the park (mama, daddy and DT1 and DT2). Up til then DP and me had been taking her in turns thinking she would relish time on her own with one of us.........turns out she just fancied having us all there. That was an easy one to fix.

Would your DD go for it?

Original poster

pulltheotherone · 19/12/2008 21:59

yes, good idea. She may be a bit old for the 'wish' as she will say it to herself. I could do a version of it though.

My DD2 loves a 'special story', where mummy makes up a fantasy story about her and her sister. DD1 may not be too old for that - I think she might like that

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