How to stop rudeness in a 5 year old?

[KTNoo]

My ds (5) has always been a handful. I think he's great - funny, affectionate, creative and a real clown. He is also a naughty little monkey with a very short fuse. I have posted on here before about him.

Lately we have had several incidences of him being extremely rude to adults. I know most children are rude to their parents at times but my ds is not just saving it for me and dh. A good friend has told me about about two incidences of rudeness (she called it cheekiness but it was beyond that imo) towards her. I did not witness either scenario. At a party she asked him to stop doing something to which he replied "You're not my mum so you can't tell me what to do." The other time he told her to go away because she was disturbing their playing! I find it hard to believe he's only doing this with her - I think she's just the only one being honest with me.

Obviously if I am there I tell him firmly that this is not how we talk to people and make him apologise. We have talked a lot about nice ways to speak/ask and he can tell me all the right things but he doesn't seem to put much of it into practice. We have found in general with him that rewards/punishments have no effect and I've had a look at the book "Unconditional Parenting" and found a lot of the ideas useful with ds.

I would appreciate any suggestions! I try not to care what others think but I don't like the idea that other people see my boy as a rude child with no respect!

What do his teachers say?

tell everyone you know that the second he is rude to them, they MUST give you a ring and you are going to collect him.

He can't carry on speaking to adults like that, it's not on, and he need to know it. Unrelated punishments probably won't work, but "The end of playtime because you were rude" is fairly immediate and might work

Good luck!

Do you trust the friend enough to tell her she can tell your son off if he's rude again? Or would you prefer to be told, and to deal with it yourself?

Five is not to young for the naughty step. Firstly you need to sit down with him and tell him that you have heard and seen things about his behaviour that make you unhappy, and that you are going to use the naughty step as a way to deal with this, then if he is rude to someone in your hearing, you can issue a warning -"X - that was a very rude thing to say. You must apologise to Y now, or you will have to go to the naughty step."

You can also tell him that if someone else says he's been rude, that he will go to the naughty step when he gets home.

His teacher hasn't complained about his behaviour - some issues with not concentrating and not being motivated but she didn't report any rudeness. I'm wondering if he knows who will "take it" because he doesn't try it on too much with me.

I do however feel his teacher is a bit spaced out so she might just not be noticing!

your fucntion as a perent is not to be liked by your child but to ensure that he is a sociable hman being - he clearly isn't. you need to be firm becuase your child is behaving brattish - he isbehaving brattish becuase you are letting him do so

my child would have been severely reprimanded , made toapologise and sent to bed.

a parents dissapointment is a huge thing.

I will try the going home if he's rude but do you think people would actually call me? I always imagine people don't want to make a fuss when it's not their child.

I know he can't speak to adults like that. We have tlked about it lots but it doesn;t seem to be going in. He's the kind of kid who knows the right thing to do but then does what he fancies anyway.

Sunnygirl I would be happy for my friend to tell my son off and tell me as well. She is a very patient sort of person who never gets particularly angry with her own kids which is why I'm wondering if ds picks up on this.

Believe me we have tried the naughty step. He gets extremely angry and would scream and throw things for about 10 minutes then calm right down and repeat the same behaviour within minutes. I really don't think it works with him.

I recommend a book called 'Raising your child not by force but by love' Sidney D. Craig. Will not say more as I don't want to be controversial!

custardo that is exactly what I would do if I was there and I did make him apologise both times once I found out.

He is actually very sociable and quite "cool" among his friends. The rudeness is not all the time but there have been enough incidences of it for me to want to do something. He can also be very polite.

Perhaps you could suggest that people tell him that, when he's rude, he can either apologise straight away or they will indeed ring you to collect him. He's just seeing how far he can push his luck and the sooner it's stopped, the better, I think.

cheezcurl tell me more. Sounds interesting.

Yes scootergrrl I do want to nip it in the bud. I know at 5 they are still finding their boundaries but he should not be talking like this.

Let me know when you get it fixed as my 7 year old is very rude

I agree. Mine is 5 too and they can be little so-and-sos, can't they! Good luck with it.

No help, but have you got my ds? He too is the clown, very funny and affectionate, but really does push the boundaries. He is also nothing like his brother or sister, who have always stopped (well most of the time )when told to stop doing something. Ds2 just never does, no matter what punishment is thrown at him. I have even tried reverse psychology and gone over board with the reward thing when really good (not very often I have to say.).
He is really tiring at times. He is also 5 like your ds. I'm really hoping that I remember my other 2 dc with rose coloured glasses at that age and that he will grow out of it. He certainly hasn't been brought up any differently. Just a challenging personality.

Will be watching with interest.

I suppose it's hard for them to get the right level sometimes, i.e. a bit cheeky and you might not mind, might laugh even, but rudeness is rudeness and they need to know that.

I just find it amazing really that he would dare to speak to another adult in that way. I might have been a bit rude to my mum and dad at times but never, ever a teacher or somone else's mum or dad. I just wouldn;t have dared. It's not that my mum and dad were particularly strict or anything (if anything I am stricter), it's just the way I was which is nothing like the way my ds is. He couldn;t give a monkeys what anyone thinks of him.

KTNoo, are you sure he knows it is rude?

Obviously a lot depends on the tone of voice. I feel that my DS who is also 5 could say both those things to other adults and he would just be stating the facts as he saw them. He doesn't always realise how things come across.

Having said that, I can't imagine him saying 'You're not my mum so you can't tell me what to do' because he used to being told what to do by other adults but 'Go away your disturbing our game' is exactly the sort of thing he would say and not mean any harm.

you're

Hmm...I think he would know it's rude in that if someone said it to him he might get upset about it. However, I don't think he would say these things with any real malice behind them, if you see what I mean.

The "go away" comment was rude in the context he said it imo. My friend had gone to say hello to her son in the school playground while picking up her younger dd from nursery. It wasn't any of ds's business - he does tend to get in people's faces a lot actually.

He is also used to being told what to do at home and at school. It's more that if he's got something to say, he doesn't care who he says it to. I have tried to explain to him that some things you say to your friends are not appropriate to say to adults, but I guess it's a hard distinction for a 5 year old to make.

I'm just thinking now that he has quite an impulsive temperament and wonder if it could be partly that, i.e. knowing he shouldn't say something but not being able to stop himself.

Also wondering if he's heard the "you're not my mum" thing on TV or something - it's a strange thing to think up himself. Have an older dd who likes Horrid Henry - could I blame that?!