Behaviour of 14 month dd since arrival of 3 week old ds....

[Annabellemary]

After giving birth to my ds three weeks ago we spent a week with him in the special care baby unit and sheffiel children's hospital forcing us to leave our 14 mo dd with her grandparents (who she sees regularly and love to pieces) for a week. She had previously only ever had one night away from us.

Since bringing the ds home, the dd seems very clingy, cries a lot, wants picking up a lot more than before and throws tantrums at any time she can't get her own way.

I feel terribly guilty because she did have 100% of my time before and even though my ds sleeps most of the time, anytime i do feed him or change him she gets upset. Also she has started waking every night about 1am when previously slept 7 - 7

To make it worse the ds has reflux and i have been advised to hold him upright for 20 mins after each feed which means half an hour unable to play/help/hold my dd and this is a time when she seems to get jealous. She was never a clingy/cuddly baby before though.

Is there anybody that could give me advice please? I hope/pray that this is a phase that will pass and that she will revert to the lovely happy little girl she has always been.

Thank you

I think it is easy to underestimate the effect of a sibling on the firstborn, specially as it involved you going away for what must have seemed ages, and returning with someone else to give attention to!

There's absolutely no reason she should be happy about it!

I would personally start now with little tiny things that will foster a relationship between them; tell her (even if it's a lie) that the baby is always watching her "oh he loves to watch you, he loves you already I think!" " I bet the baby wishes he could do that, he's not so grown up as you is he" etc etc etc....when the baby starts to smile, again LIE and tell her that she taught him that, she got his first smile etc etc!

Poor you with the night waking as well, with a newborn - I do think it's a phase though, and the more re-assurance she gets, the better she will be. Keep faith - I'm sure she'll get there.

could just be a phase totally unrelated to arrival of ds, they all get clingy around that age and tantrums for my ds started around 10 months!!!! all sounds quite normal, she's still just a baby who wants her mummy 100% of the time. if it is related to arrival of ds then she should settle againn soon. is there anyone you can get round to give attention to dd or perhaps hold ds while you cuddle and fuss dd?

Have called the mother in law round for help, she is on her way. Has got to an all time low today with screaming so much she is coughing and nearly sick and then when she doesn[t get her own way smacking the baby. Will start trying to do one to one activities with her at the weekend hopefully when ds is home to look after the baby.

Poor little thing, she must be bewildered and upset and because she is so little you can't explain it to her.
Very hard for you, but a great idea to get your mil to help and also to use some of Stephanie's ideas, although at 14 mnths she may not understand everything.
She is just a baby too and eventually she will adjust, but in the meantime try not to feel too bad about it. It's better that she shows her feelings rather than closing them down so it seems as if she's not affected. x

Annabellemary I've got no real advice, but I can sympathise - dd is 18mo and ds is 7.5 weeks. He was born at home so we never spent any time away from her, but dd is terribly whingey at the moment and v clingy - something as simple as me going to the bathroom can cause tears.... (We're not helped by the fact dd is teething so she's off her food & really uncomfortable as well). Like you, we've got night waking, but dh is being a star and he is in charge of her at nights, while I deal with ds....

I have found that dd does improve when we do one on one activities and when ds naps and I can give her 100% of my time. Hopefully when your ds gets some kind of routine your dd will know when she gets her own 'mummy time' and then be more settled round him (I'm hoping for this too!).

I've found that if I plan ahead and make up some biscuit dough/get stuff ready for some crafts/get some puzzles/books together the night before then she can do them with me either while ds is awake and feeding or as soon as he falls asleep and I don't waste any time in preparation and lose the precious moments when I've only got one of them to deal with .

Good luck with it all - I hope it improves for you soon