your expectations of a 4 year old

[yawningmonster]

I have had quite a few threads lately about my 4 year old. On one of them there was an interesting comment that I seemed to be helping too much/fussing to much in some respects and expecting too much in others so what are your expectations of a 4 year old.

Bump

Can you be a bit more precise? I have a four year old DD who can do millions of things, and also cannot do millions of things...

Depends on the four year old

boy or girl

My expectations of my just turned 5 yo seem a little high compared to others tbh but she seems to cope most days. They are;

that she dresses herself (I get her cothes out and ready for her)
She goes to the toilet alone and wipes herself afterwards
She can get her own water if I am eating a meal (We keep a stool and cups by the sink so that she can reach)
She puts her dirty clothes in her washing basket after she has taken them off.
She puts her own toys etc away after she has finished with them
If she makes a mess of her room i.e. dragging all of her clothes out of her drawers/toys from under bed she cleans it back up herslef or it stays that way.

shoes - can do velco

food - can eat

Coat/Jacket - Can put on

Make a cup of tea - No No No!

Actually, my friends ds can do the following:

Turn on TV
Set Sky Plus to remind him of programmes [cartoons]
Has Nintendo Wii which he can play [although bit hash bash]
Draw a man with 2 leg and 2 arms.

My DD cannot do any of the above.

An up to date CV and a full, clean, UK driving licence. HGV desirable but not essential.

...

Boco says the things I think.

She can get away with it somehow.

I would agree with seashells, althoygh the tiding aspect needs more work. She gets herself dressed, gets water etc....she is the middle child

LOL Boco

At least 50 words per minute

(Talking.)

I think you're setting the bar a bit low there, MadamAnt. 4-yo DD1 can talk much faster than that. At very high volume too. Usually when justifying her actions towards DD2......

thanks my expectations are
NO violence or verbal abuse (from him)
Put wet clothing in hamper if he has wet them
Attempt to dress self (can manage this very well in right mood, able to do buttons, put on shoes, socks, vest, pants etc. Struggles with zips and jackets as apposed to pull over type tops which I think is fine)
Help to clean up after himself
Use manners with prompts if needed
Attempt to feed self (again can manage very well in right mood)
Feed dog with supervision and prompting
If something goes wrong eg pants get caught up while putting on, either being willing to accept help if needed without lashing out or being able to give it another go with or without help
Judging from what seashells and cazzybabs say this is not unrealistic?

you're meant to have 'expectations' of a 4 yo?
I'm happy if she's alive every morning!

thanks nmc It wasn't my intention to minimalise the situations other people are in or compare them in any way. I am just really struggling with my ds in a lot of ways and was just wanting a reality check of whether my expectations were too high or not. I

So Yawning -
I have a 4 year old DS
he is sometimes violent and sometimes says hurtful things - we correct his language and use time out for violence
he puts his clothes in the wash basket every night and his PJ's on his bed each morning
if I lay out his clothes he gets himself dressed every day. - every now and then he needs help with a zip
he puts his plate or bowl in the sink with his cup and cutlery when he gets down from the table
he is good with please and thank you's most of the time. - prompting occasionally necessary
he feeds himself always - we cut up his food into managable chunks but don't feed him
he feeds the cat 20g of cat food each morning and evening when prompted.
When something goes wrong - he has a very high embarrasment factor and will not accept help. he does almost exactly what you have described lashing out and getting cross. - given time he calms down - we have been using some of the techniques from the "how to talk so kids will listen" book. When he is very cross I say to him how cross are you? he ignores me - I say are you 100 cross and he then usually grins and says 125 and I say I think it looks more like 176 and he says 100 and 100 and 100 and I say wow that is really very cross - then I suggest we try again at what ever it was we were doing... this seems to work 80% of the time.

Sorry this turned into a mamouth post.. HTH a bit.

thanks btpob will try the how cross are you technique thanks. We are trying to crack down on the violence as it is escalating at the moment and like you we use timeout. The rest sounds maybe like I am more on the not expecting enough though you have reminded me that he does take his plate to the bench after meals and amazingly doesn't seem to fight us much over that one.

Hi ym~was it me?
Please don't feel criticised.I was trying to remember my own experiences when my son was 4.
He was a very well behaved child but when his baby sister was born seemed quite jealous.He became cross and nothing seemed right for him such as clothes were itchy and came off as soon as they went on,he hated putting shoes onfor e.g. and became irritable.
Once a behaviour pattern starts it can take a while to stop.
I remember feeling rather bewildered as to how to get things back on track and upset about it all really.
One thing I feel is with him being the eldest I expected too much for his age,and when he needed reassuring I was also feeling upset[altho hiding it].

What I am trying to say is think what might be going wrong and get a strategy in your mind to deal with it.I don't think sending to room and reacting to things he does is working[and is exhausting].
How about a fresh perspective;
Mentally,let the bad behaviour he has done go ~ he's only little and Im sure you canchange this around.
1.PUt him in your good books,ignore thebad,enjoy and praise the good.
2.Don't let him hear you talking about him with dh.
3.Relax around him,help him without making comments if he asks for help.
4.Dance with him,laugh with him etcand distract him from bad behaviour before it gets going.Make things into a game and be on his side.
5.I expect you feel you can't ignore him hitting you but think would be better to ;
1.say fimly do not hit mummy please.
2.If you do not stop biting me[ for e.g.] you will have time out.
3You have not stopped so have 4 mins time out.DO NOT TOUCH HIM,just let him stay where he is and do not speak for 4 mins.Thensay time out was for biting ,you are not allowed to do that.Now lets get on with having fun.DO'NT say any more about it.
4.while you sort out this verydiff. behaviour don't ask him to do things too much,or make any fuss about small things like having cookiesthe world won't come to an end if he has cookies b4 lunch~lighten up a bit with him.
Sorry to go on but its not nice[but not abnormal either] and you must sort this b4 the baby comes.
TRy to feel confident that you can do this and it will work.

what are your expectations? if he is consistently not meeting them, and you are getting upset, then that is the key.
what other children are capable of, and what other parents expect, is beside the point a bit, iyswim