Hitting, scratching at pre school please help!!!!!

[alibo]

I am at my wits end at the moment, any advice welcome!DS is 4 and has always had a tendancy too hit out at other children when playing in groups, but recently this has extended into scratching other children in the face! We have tried naught steps, naughty boxes, rewards charts etc, nothing seems to be geetting through at the moment!!

He has always been like this you say? What do the school suggest?

from about 3 at nursery he went through a phase of not playing terribly well with other children. he is an only child so i expected the usual fistycuffs over toys, not sharing etc. he has always had a lot of contact with other children though at toddler gps etc, his cousins etc. Been at preschool for the last year, and has had phases of arguing over toys mainly with his female cousin, same age same class, but when she went upto big school in september things improved a lot. Just recently he seems to be really aggressive, started off when we went for our usual meet ups with other mum friends of mine, started all this hitting or scratching and getting hyper over nothing etc. It has now started spilling over into school time, and nearly every day he has either kicked someone, hit someone or scratched some poor child! Is on the class "traffic light" system for naughtiness nearly every day for something. I cannot seem to make him think about the consequences of hurting other children. The teachers only suggestion was to withdraw his privalages!

There was a girl in dd's class who did this and the school put her in the class above for a week ... it seemed to do the trick ...

Btw ... I think you will find loads of threads on here about 4 yr olds ... my dd didn't go through terrible twos or threes, but turned in to an angry whirlwind at 4 ... not listening to what was being said, not doing as she was told, refusing to get dressed, having massively explosive tantrums and shouting and kicking doors etc... we are coming out of it now at 51/2 yrs and she is back to her sunny and active self, so there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Um, and if you don't mind me asking, do you smack at home (not asking in negative way - honestly - but some dc do copy their parents)

Could it be tiredness? Has he just started school? Is he feeling insecure?

Sorry - x posts

As it happens, both dd and the girl in her class who was hitting, are all single children. I do think they have a harder time adjusting to school and fitting in and also - having to come to terms with the fact that the teachers have to pay attention to everyone - not just them ...

Is he an active child/good at sport? Could you take him out to do something active that he really enjoys to rid himself of some of the frustration? DD is really active and she does gym and ballet which has really helped. I think nursery school can be quite stifling for little boys in particular and quite 'girly focused' sometimes ...

Yes he has had a "smacked bottom" before when he's been really pushing it, but very occasionaly and a while ago, It is the sudden scratching of faces that seems to be the main problem at the mo, and seems to have come from nowhere!

Yes, I smacked (and still do smack) dd very occasionally - but only in extremis and I never feel good about it afterwards

I wondered whether if it had affected her behaviour but then she kicked doors and stuck out her tongue and even spat once (never again thankfully) which she certainly did not learn from me!

I dunno, it's a nightmare isn't it. It will get better though .. I've found the key is loads of positive attention when she's good, reward charts did help us to an extent as well, and calm consistent parenting with firm boundaries with lots of overtly "loving" cues thrown in.... (my mother was not exactly overt in her affection and so I've struggled with that bit I'm ashamed to say) but when it got to the point when dd was eliciting more negative comments from me than loving, positive ones (especially at very stressful times of day such as getting out of the house in the mornings ) then I knew I had to try harder. We'd sort of got locked in to quite a combative downward spiral and she was expressing her need for control by being physically agressive I think.

This may not apply in your case at all - sorry to ramble - but just found that it helped us when I backed off a bit. Which is the reverse of one's instinctive reaction in the face of really bad behaviour such as kicking etc ...

What do I know? I don't really!! It's still an ongoing project but getting better all the time ...

Good luck with it anyway. I think 4 is an age where they are really testing boundaries and trying to exert a bit more control over their lives. It's quite hard on us parents I think.

Sorry -last post was a bit confusing

Meant to say - obviously I disciplined dd at the time when she kicked something or occasionally, someone - but I backed off in general in terms of overall freedom and discipline and chose my battles more carefully ...and allowed her more choice in other things and was more affectionate in general as well ... if that makes sense

thanks for reply, i am really struggling at the mo, his dad and i are separated and i try not to blame everything on that, but i really feel he's missed a firm male voice in the disciplining area of things. He is in his life now, but a feel a little too late as he didn't have any contact with ds, (dh's own choice) for 1.5 yrs. he has been seeing him every weekend for a year now. i look after ds full time and we are very close, he is very loving, etc, helpful at home, but just takes on this character transformation when at school! and in play areas! i will check post again tomorrow, and add a bit more detail!

that's tough alibo, he's bound to take him a little time to adjust to the new situation ...

maybe your ds is unsure of anyone other than you - maybe he doesn't feel safe when he is away from you - and therefore acts out (ie he is reacting to when his dad disappeared for 1.5 yrs) so is not trusting and happy when around others .

... I dunno ...it's just a guess

..good that they are now seeing one another on a regular basis though ...

thanks for reply again, amazingly enough, despite having always been with me, he is extremly confident.!! if anything a bit overly so, ie will happily go off with anyone, happily talks to anyone in public places, joins in with groups of people he doesn't know, introduces himself etc. So really don't know why he is lashing out; i think part of the problem is his general impulsive nature, and he is not thinking before he's doing things. he knows full well the second he's done it , its wrong and is sorry. He is also a perfectionist, and gets frustrated when somethings not "right", ie when group playing on carpet at pre school, and wants the wooden track to go a certain way, will clock someone on the head who in his eyes is doing it wrong, rather than having the patience to negotiate etc!! But i feel i am banging my head on a brick wall having to keep going over and over that hitting etc isn't allowed at school!!! keep in touch!!

I haven't really got any constructive advice apart from whats already been given about being consistent with time outs, telling off etc. Just wanted to say that you could be describing my 3 year DS exactly. He also has a tendency to lash out especially at faces if other children get too close in proximity. Your last post is also very reminicent in that he always has a tendency to clonk if something "isn't right".

I would say his preschool have had some luck in stopping this as I don't have anywhere near as many reports of bad behaviour as I did when he first started. I think their policy is a telling off, explanation why it was wrong then an apology to the wronged child. That say I still get sweaty palms in readiness when I pick him up from preschool!

Yet again today, picked him up on his last day, to be told he had scratched someone again.. He starts full time in January , with same children etc, and am just dreading that this is going to carry on. I already feel now that he is labelled as the naughty one, not a good way to be starting big school

Well its first day at big school tomorrow, and i am dreading it; i'm going to miss him so much, and am worried that the hitting out/scratching is going to carry on!! keep posting!!

alibo I hope today goes well .... I know what you mean by missing him - all day is a long time to be without them. You have to make sure you keep yourself really busy (sorry, didn't read if you worked or not?). You will get used to is.

He will mature and eventually realise how to behave and what is expected from him. It may take a while and few more grey hairs for you, but he will get there.

He will probably always be lively, confident and 'out there' iyswim. I have 2 boys and watched one go through nursery and infants with pretty much the 'naughty boy' reputation. He is now a bright, delightful and sensitive 12 year old. The other is 5 and acting in pretty much the same way as your little man - they'll learn. Good luck!!

thanks mummyofboys, he knows there will be consequences if it carries on; even if it means new christmas toys have to go away! he also knows he has to collect his stars on his chart to go away in spring, so fingers crossed the penny will start dropping!! It is really difficult when any "punishment" for bad behaviour, he accepts easily. He's so laid back that he just isn't bothered by removing privalages etc! Plus when you're up against a very strong personality as well it makes it hard; but on the other hand he's the most loving, friendly child you could meet!! Even over Christmas, he nearly came to blows with his cousins over peppa pigs furniture being placed in the wrong room, so am really trying to reinforce that it doesn't matter if other children don't play in "HIS" way! Hang in there with me!!

How was it ??????

Bumpety ... bump ....

Well, he was only there 3 days last week, as on weds he pulled a muscle in his neck and could hardly move for 3 days!! Was fine for first 3 days last week, and fine yesterday. But, then today just as i was thinking it was too good to be true, i was asked to see the teacher at pick up timeOnly to be told he has been on the traffic light system today (for unacceptable behaviour). Basically shouting back at people, not listening or doing as asked, and then hitting a child at playtime!! So his treat that he has at home time for being good, went, and Wall-E is now in the naughty bag. He is amazingly attached to his little robot friend, and knows exactly what he has to do to get it back, watch this space!