Does anyone manage to give quality, predictable 1:1 time to their DC?

[claricebean]

I have 4 DC aged 8, 6, almost 4 and 20 months. They are generally well behaved, are getting on fine at school and I have no real specific worries about them. I notice their behaviour is at its best when they have a good chunk of 1:1 time with either DH or me.

At the moment, I spend 20 minutes a day with DD2 reading, and some time with DD1 on homework tasks. Plus they each get some individual time for stories at bedtime. But I would also like to do something that is not 'work' related - i.e. something they choose to do with me. (I am not worried about the youngest as she is still at home with me during the day.)

Does anyone manage to fit in quality individual time on a regular and predictable basis? I seem to manage ad hoc time, but I feel it would be better for them to have something a bit more concrete. What do your other DC do while you are with one? Mine can amuse themselves for a while, but often what one wants to do with me (e.g. play a game) the others want to do too, so it ends up as family time not individual time. Am I right to think 1:1 time with a parent is important too?

Bit of a ramble - sorry. Off to do school run now but will check back later. I hope I made some sense. I feel like from next term I would love to have a bit more structure to some of our after school time, and just trying to get a feel for what is realistic and how others manage to achieve it?

Can you not alternate so one weekend you can take the children indivdually ie sat am, sat pm, sunday am and sunday pm and Dh look after the rest and the next weekend dh does the same hilst you look after the children - doesn't have to be weekly maybe just mnthly and either A - let the children have free reign to choose or get them to put ideas into a pot and they pick one out and thats what you do.

Good idea, Twims. Yes, perhaps I need to use the weekends too. We often do family type activities at the weekend, so am thinking more of weekdays, but we could portion off part of the weekend.

What do others do?

hi clarice - we only have two kids (aged 7 and 5) so i guess it's easier for us - so i am not sure how helpful this is going to be. they're high maintenance though !
as twims says we often use a part of the weekend for 'division of labour' whereby we do our own thing with just one kid each. nothing pre-planned particularly just as it happens. or 1:1 happens with one kid while the other is doing an after-school activity. eg i take my son swimmming on saturday morning then on errands and to the library, while DD stays at home having a cosy time with DH reading or cooking or whatever; i take DD swimming while DS is at football on monday evenings; and there is the opportunity for 1:1 time when one of them is on a playdate with a schoolfriend and so on. all of this has become easier as they got older - rewind by a couple of years and things were much more chaotic! but 4 kids must make that sort of thing a lot more logistically difficult.

I am not qualified to comment as I only have one (but that's not going to stop me!)

I think having four children that one of the things you simply have to accept if you're going to retain your sanity is that one to one attention is simply not going to happen as much as you would probably all like. They get a rich family life as the compensation for that.

I think the weekend thing sounds a good idea but I think trying to fit one to to one time in for all of them would just not be feasible if you're going to have a life as well! I personally would aim for one to one time for one child per weekend. Then once a month they know they've got it and can rely on it. And just continue to snatch those 20 mins here and there during the weekdays.

End of totally unqualified advice-giving

Of course you are right that some things are harder, if not impossible, with a large family, and that there are other compensations.

I think what I am trying to establish for myself is, what is reasonable. And that's why it's good to hear others' views and how they manage things.

Once I week, I bake with DD2 once the younger two are in bed and the older one is at her German lesson. So we do have that.

And I spend 45 minutes with DS (DC3) once a week when the older 2 are in clubs (albeit his younger sister is milling around too).

Thanks Katie and SB.

clarice I think it sounds like you are doing amazingly actually considering the size of your family!

totally second that!!

Okay I feel bad now. I only have 3 dc and it doesn't sound like I manage as much 1 to 1 as you do with 4. I sometimes lament this to dh who was one of 4 (I am only child) and he assures me that it wasn't a big deal when he was growing up as the kids got attention (good and bad I suppose!) from each other too.

He did say that when they were older and could stay home alone they would take turns going out for coffee with their mum. I like that idea - if I'm out somewhere like a cafe I focus on the child whereas at home there are always jobs to be done so if they seem happy playing the temptation is to get on with things.

Also meant to say...a friend of mine who has 4 dc has one afternoon/evening a week for special time, so each child gets once a week. She caters to the age and preference of the child, e.g. eldest is 9 so they have a "date" and might go bowling, with 7 year old they shut the bedroom door and play barbies for an hour, etc etc. She does however have a dh who works unusual hours and hence is around a lot during the day to watch the other dc, which I realise makes a huge difference.

Aaaahhh, thanks SB and Katie. Bless you for making me smile.

KTN - it's very interesting to hear what your DH says about growing up. I am one of three and mostly I remember time with my siblings rather than my parents too.

I like the cafe idea. My DH teaches DD1 German and they go to a cafe for that, which I think is lovely. Even though it is technically work for her, they both enjoy it much more than if they did the class at home. You are also right that it will change as they get older. Already DD1 walks DD2 to her gym class at the end of our road, giving me time with the younger two.

OK, am now feeling much more positive about the things I do manage!

Bumping for any 'evening crowd' experiences.

Shameless last bump before hitting the sack

I have 3 dds and work full time, I do manage 1-1 time with them but not every day, and not predictably. Say once a week the other two go swimming and dd2 spends a couple of hours just with me, another evening the older two go to woodcraft folk and dd3 might stay behind wiht me, and dd1 might stay up later a couple of times a week.

But I don't really see it as essential, lots of one-to-one time. Maybe that's because I'm the middle one of 3 and didn't particularly want adult time without other children. I liked always having children to play with rather than lots of adult attention. I tend to think children get so much from interactions with their siblings that they gain in sibling relationships anything they might lose from a lack of parental one-to-one.

We do try, and succeed, to have some one-to-one, dp will take one or two and I'll take the other one, on a fairly regular basis. One thing I like is just spending half an hour with one of them at bedtime, some evenings I go round each of them and it's the whole evening gone but they do chat nicely once they're in bed. Trouble is I am too tempted to fall asleep in bed with them and that really is the whole evening gone.

Thanks for your post, Fennel. It sounds like you catch time like me, on an ad hoc basis. I agree that they get loads from each other. I think mine get on better together when they have had some parent time too - there seems to be less argumentative behaviour. Everything´s a balancing act I guess.

Yes.

We have DSS1 (13), DSS2 (11) and DD (4). We make a point of ensuring that the DSSs see DP on their own for lunch at least once a fortnight ie DP alternates taking them out to lunch on Fridays. On the weekends that the DSSs are with us, DP quite often takes one of them to play tennis or shopping while I stay with DD and the other DSS.

I leave DD with DP regularly (two consecutive evenings last week). I see DD a lot so that is not an issue; I also spend time on my own with the DSSs though a bit less regularly.

Thanks for your reply, Anna. I think, looking at the responses and thinking about my own experiences, 1:1 time works best when either one parent and child go out together and do something, or - because the other DC are out - one parent and child end up at home together.

In the past I have tried to engineer 1:1 time when I'm home with all four DC by doing something with only one but that seems to cause more problems than it's worth. It's a bit contrived and often makes the others feel left out or disrupts a game that that they were all playing well.

I am thinking that I will continue to try for ad hoc individual time when we're all at home as an opportunity presents itself, but also will try to engineer some more occasions when DH or I go out with only one.

Thanks everyone for your help. That will be my New Year's resolution (even though I don't really like making them).

I think that is right: you either have to go out with one child at a time, or else engineer for everyone else to go out and leave you and one child. There are far too many possible interruptions otherwise and it seems a bit rude to tell other people to go away for long.