Me again....

[yawningmonster]

Need opinions on whether I was too harsh today or not. As many of you know I am struggling with ds' behaviour lately. This morning he punched me in the face when his arm got stuck in his tshirt. I sent him to his room. 15 minutes later he shoved my face backwards with both hands as he wanted a sweater and I had not got one fast enough. I sent to his room. 30 minutes later he slapped me and ran away when his tower of blocks fell over. I sent to his room. I thought at this stage ok this isn't working will get out of house. Wet and rainy so suggested we go to cafe. Ds was keen and we ran into friends there. He body slammed his friend into the wall and was about to bite him when I got to him and took him home. At home he wanted a cookie and I said he could have one after lunch so he kicked me. Sent to his room. an hour later he wet his pants a little as he waited too long to go to the toilet (the deal is supposed to be he changes himself and puts wet clothing in laundry. His foot got stuck putting on his trousers and he demanded I lift his foot and proceed to move his limbs for him to put trousers on while actively resisting me. When I calmly told him he needed to help me to help him he headbutted me. Into room. I thought this still isn't working. Weather had cleared so I suggested we take dog for a walk. Had a good walk and a run around in park. Praised him for walking nicely and playing gently. Returned home and let dog off lead. He called me stupid cow for no real reason I can think of. I said that hurt my feelings and he needed to stop. He told me to shut up and grabbed the lead and tryed to fling it at me. I took to room. I then decided ok, maybe he needs some chill time so let him watch some tv (he can only watch tv after 3pm and loses tv priveledges for biting) I started to make the dinner and he asked for some carrot so I gave him some. I put the rest in the pot and so when he asked for more I said they were cooking and dinner wouldn't be long he threw a book at my head. Took to his room. When he came out I had had enough so I said (this was 6.30pm) that any more hurting with his words or his body and he would go to bed for the night. I made it very clear that meant Daddy, mummy or the dog. Daddy was home by then so he restated the warning. After about 3 minutes he walked over to the dog and slammed her with a ball on her back. Dad picked him up and took him to his room, no stories, no teeth, no jammas, nadda. My problem was he also had no monkey (his transition item) Dh insisted he had to calm down before we gave it to him, I felt he needed it in order to calm down and the early bedtime with no frills was enough of a punishment. He did calm down after about 15mins and fell asleep straight away when given the monkey. So too harsh? or ok?

That comment about the sugar levels reminds me - DS is SO much more grumpy etc when he hasn't eaten for ages - definitely make sure he is getting good quality slow-release carbs on a regular basis. Sugar sends DS into a frenzy - does it have that effect on him too?

Also, try to give him as much responsibility and freedom as you possibly can my DS thrives on this and is so much more sensible when he feels he is in control - getting his own breakfast, having a special chore (like putting the stuff in the recycling bins, etc), or whatever fits with your family, like EandJ said

Thank you everyone. I have been keeping a food diary over the last couple of days to try and track what and when he is eating so that if there are any links to food we may be able to see them. I have tried the responsibility thing his job is to feed the dog but to be honest anything like that is a novelty for a couple of days and then he resists it. We are not a shouty family at all and he has never been told to shut up in this house though DH admitted last night he may have said it to the dog in his hearing so will keep an eye on that. Some of the behaviour must be learned elsewhere like stupid cow as we never say those things here at all. He has always been highly reactive and in need of control over his world, I try to give him as many choices as I can and to let go of any unimportant matters. It is like walking on eggshells it cracks no matter how careful I am. It is 7.30 am here and he has shoved me in the face because his undies were a bit twisted and I tried to help him and they still were not comfortable.

It is now 8.15 and he is in his room for the third time. Not feeling very resiliant today so wish me luck. I feel like I should just stop doing anything but the basics for him, no playing etc during the day which sounds awful and as though I don't want to be with him at all but I am exhausted. This has been escalating for a while and hard to deal with when pregnant.

Yawning, do you have health visitors in NZ?

he sounds very very like my dd3 who is 4 next month, she is incredibly angry and loses it big time several times a day, althoughe isnt violent.#

We haven't worked out how to stop this behaviour yet unfotunately, but do know when her flashpoints are - first thing in the morning and in the evening/end of week when she is tired.

I would say from your posts that putting him in his room isnt working, and nor are [threats of] withdrawing priveliges. I would suggest a different approach - the posituve parenting approach does work wih my dd sometimes but is difficult to do when she is hysterical. She definitely seems overwhelmed by her emotions. We did use a star chart for one specific bad element of our day - the walk to nursery. also if my dd is extremely naughty i sometimes just withdraw myself rather than send her away - this works too sometimes.

I reaaly sympathise my dd3 is awful sometimes and i find it very difficult. also her bahviour got worse when her baby borother arrived (sorry)

[sorry for bad typing am feeding baby]

How about you do the opposite of what you mentioned in your 19.28 post? Spend the day focusing on him, ignore his bad behaviour, do some drawing, cooking etc. My dd does really respond to this, and it makes me feel very guilty as then I remember that she is just a confused 3 year old.

I dont want you to feel bad - I am the worst parent ever to my dd3 alot of the time and dont respond at all calmly to her, but she is asleep now, so I feel more relaxed

{as an aside, my dd3s behaviour is so bad sometimes, a friend of mine asked me when I was going to see someone about her behaviour!)

thanks for those suggestions. Pollyanna I have tried positive parenting, sticker charts don't work for more than a few days before he decides he would rather bite, kick or punch me. I have tried withdrawing myself but unless I actually lock myself in the toilet he just comes after me punching and kicking me. If I lock myself in the toilet he will break things around the house and throw things at the door. I have tried the calm cuddle (I thought maybe he needed support for dealing with his emotions so would hold him firmly to stop him hurting me until he calmed down.) I stopped this since I have been pregnant as he always manages to get kicks, bites and headbuts in and can last up to an hour which I just don't have the energy to do at times. I have also tried having the day completely focussed on him and completely led by him but as soon as I do something wrong in his eyes he will hit, kick or bite me and I really don't think I can ignore that (it hurts and I certainly wouldn't let an adult do it to me and just calmly continue to do whatever they wanted me to do. His room at the moment is a way of keeping me safe more than it is an effective deterant for his behaviour. I have actually dropped him at the childminder for a couple of hours as I have a midwife appointment and I didn't think he would cope, I have warned her of his mood and told her to call me if he needs to come home. I did think of canceling the midwife but I do need to take care of this little one too.

I am starting to think maybe I need to see someone about it, not sure who in NZ and not sure if I can afford it but will have to if he needs it.

Izyboy no we don't have hv's, we do have plunket but tbh plunket nurse in my area next to useless.

I've read that 4 - 5 year old boys have the same levels of testosterone as they do at onset of puberty.

I keep my DS (age 5) busy. I walk him all over kingdom come and have him play outside in all kinds of weather.

Sounds you are providing consistent, measured immediate responses. I also practice what Dr. Sears calls positive discipline. We've done that since he was a baby. He really works for positive attention. Now, at age 5 one look from me is enough to get re-focused in a constructive manner.

Hi YM, I am coming out the other side.

My ds had similar behaviours.Some days it feels as though I amd walking on egg shells with his mood and I have really struggled to remain 'up beat' and ignore as much of the bad behaviour as possible,(although I never tolerate him hitting me).

This helped me sometimes although it does sound a bit odd; if I thought he was about to lash out I'd get in there first and tickle him, laugh and say something like 'ohh you weren't going to hit mummy then were you, that would have been very unkind wouldn't it? are you feeling cross?'
Sounds a bit lame but his behaviour really has improved lately.

Things will get better I suppose everyone neds to learn where the boundaries are and setting them consistently will make him feel safe

This may sound odd but are you fussing over him,helping him too much,talking too muchetc. He's very little and behaving very badly.If he is v. sensitive or could be anxious, try taking a step back but in a friendly way.There is something about the whole interaction between the two of you that is intense and overwhelming.
The no. of times he's sent to his room also is over the top~do you pick him up or does he just go?Could you not just step away to reduce the physicality of it all?Positive parenting is for all of us isn't it to do all the time?~not justto try it out.
You really need to step back from him if he might lash out~this can't go on.
Try to think if you are controlling him a lot~you are obviously a dedicated parent e.g. think is ott to get him to put wet trousers in basket at this age.
This cycle seems to be going on all day and it has to change~try leaving him to it a bit more and if thereis no change for the better seek parenting help asap. Good luck!

Hi yawning where are you ?

she went to the demanding children thread and is having good feedback on various issues there.

hi yawning, hi swan we've met before on other threads. just wanted to totally second swan's comments on this thread to yawning who needs massive support by the sound of it. i am completely with you on NOT taking away the comforter and on disregarding the punishment advocates. this child is truly overwhelmed by his unusually strong emotions. IMHO this is not a straightforward case of naughtiness, it is more than that. i have a daughter, now 7, who has come out the other side of much less extreme but not entirely dissimilar behaviour (lasted from ages 3- 5) and the passing of time did more than any number of behavioural strategies for her ie maturation of her coping skills and ability to handle her exceptionally strong and labile emotions.

katiek123 have reread thread and noone advocated removing transition toy .
Also apart from a couple of the early posters all the others have advised less punishments [in room],calm positive parenting and to get help[as she now is].

sorry cranberry didn't mean to sound confrontational. i agree most of the advice sound. was in a rush.

Just to say it is really good that you are doing these close observations and keeping these records. We'll all give you conflicting advice of course! But hopefully just setting it out in writing now will help you articulate the problems if you decide to take the next step and go to the doctors. You sound like a great parent.