Help! How do I explain death to a 3 nearly 4 year old?

[luckywinner]

This conversation had me in tears earlier.
Me and ds (4 in april) are in the car earlier this morning. He plays this game which I think he has picked up from nursery where he flops over and says 'I'm dead', and then sits up again and says I'm ok now.

So we are in the car driving home and he is playing this game to himself when he suddenly says 'What is dead mummy?"
And my heart sinks. I think I said something along the lines of it's when people die, hoping I was going to get away with it (not that I don't want to explain it I just wanted to say the right thing to him), and then he said 'but how do you die', and I said something like your heart stops beating. He asked when this happened and I replied with its something that happens when you are very very old and it is not going to happen for a very very long time so it is not something you need to worry about.
But his little face crumpled and his words were I don't want to be old, and he had a little tear, as did I at his little sad face and then he said I'm worried. And it was absolutely hideous, he looked so sad. However 2 seconds later we drove past a pic of Father Christmas and he shouted look, Santa!

Anyway, I need help as I am worried I have done it all wrong and frightened him. All I wanted to do was to say to him don't worry my darling it is not something that will happen to you and make it all better for him but of course that is so wrong, no matter how much I want to protect him but I just don't know how to explain it without it being so frightening to him. My dh has a really good attitude to death (if such a thing exists - it's going to happen, it's nothing to be afraid of) while I am positively terrified about it and I really don't want him to feel like that.

Does anyone know the right/wrong way of explaining it and have I already messed it up?

We explained to DD that when you die your body stops working. The thing that makes the person them (soul) goes to heaven and it is a wonderful place. If you dont believe in heaven the replace with they live in our memories.

It is a natural curiosity. Just answer the question he asks and dont go into too much detail.

I had this question recently from ds1, who is 4.5. I said, like AnneofAvonlea, that it's when a body stops working. He asked if "We" die, I said yes people die but usually when they're very old. Then of course he asked the question which I was dreading, would he die. I said, like you, one day but not for a long long time - because I felt I had to tell the truth. Like your ds, he looked very sad and worried, so I said that although your body stops working people think that what's inside - your soul - leave your body & goes to a lovely place. He then looked a bit happier. He did say "But I like my body" and I said that it wouldn't stop working for a very long time. He talked about his grandparents and the cat being old and would they die, so I said yes but not yet, when they get a bit older. He looked satisfied, said "I just wanted to know", and changed the subject.
Although it was a difficult conversation, he seemed to accept it all and hasn't asked about it since. I think it had been really playing on his mind, as he'd mentioned dying a few times before, and he needed some answers. I don't know if I gave the right ones, I really didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to scare him.
I think you've done the right thing in being honest. I suppose if we don't seem scared about it all when we talk to them they should be less likely to be scared themselves. It is a really tricky one though. I do think it must be easier to have had this conversation before a situation come up where they need to know - like a relative or friend dying.

Agree with Anne and Banana - I've taken this approach with my DS who went through a phase of talking about death. I also said that usually people (and animals) don't die until they're very, very old, and they've done everything they want to do and are very tired and quite fed up with being alive.

We had a tragic death in our family some years ago, which had to be explained to a number of small children, and my relatives took advice from some beravement counsellors.
They said that you shouldn't lie...eg. don't promise you will never die.My aunt told my cousin that she would 'never willingly leave him' and explained exactly who would look after him if she died. (As an only child of a single mom, this wouldn't have been obvious to him).
We also told the children that the body had stopped working. As we are christian, we were able to say that our loved one was an angel in God's care now, and that God had taken him because he was ill, and that God didn't want him to suffer. (If you don't do the God thing, I'm sure you can think of your own version of this!)
For children too young to understand the concept of a grave, we simply say we are putting flowers in a special garden, where we go to think about uncle x.
The counsellors agreed that it helps to have an understanding of death, however basic, before it becomes an isssue.
If you don't want your son to be scared, emphasise the fact that you go to a beautiful place when you die.When we cried, we explained to the children that we were only sad because we missed them, but that death itself wasn't all that bad.
Sorry that's so long!! Hope no one is offended by the religious stuff...they're just examples of what you might say!

when our cat was killed a few weeks ago i had to explain to dd (3.10) and ds (2.4) that he was dead.

i told them that he'd been hurt very badly and that the bit of him that could see and smell and think and was Scruffy had gone away as it was too sore and we had buried what was left in the garden.

ds was looking for him a few days later and i had to explain again and he broke my heart by saying 'mommy, you kiss him better' and i had to try and explain that sometimes that doesn't work.

i think at a young age being quite blunt can be less disturbing than metaphors and vague concepts... for example, dp tried to tell them scruffy had gone to heaven and dd thought he meant 'Evan's house' and couldn't grasp why her cat would leave and go to her friends house i found they seemed less upset the more brutally honest i was about it.... telling them he was buried in the garden oddly seemed to be comforting to them which surprised me as i thought it might be too upsetting to think of him under the ground.

not sure it's a good idea to say it only happens when you're old as at some point someone young they know is going to die and they're going to feel you lied to them.

Abbierhodes - thanks for that. It's really helpful to know what a professional recommends.

Pink - yes I know what you mean about not saying it only happens when you are old. I said it usually happens when you are old - but even that could be a bit misleading - It's very difficult to know how to make it sound less scary but be truthful too.

Thanks everyone, I am glad I didn't lie to him, however much I wanted to! I was just so shocked at how much him being worried upset me.

I like the idea of being matter of fact about it and that the sad bit is about missing the person who has died rather than sad because death is scary.

I am C of E but my husband is an atheist so it is hard to meet in the middle with the idea of heaven. Although of course we are not going to wage a theological debate the next time my ds asks!

It is really helpful to hear what the professionals would say.