how do you manage a 3 yr old who says no to practically everything?

[Milliesan0]

I'm so tired. My daughter is so obstinate and I'm trying so hard to find ways around it that don't end up with me shouting and her shouting back and then dissolving into tears and tantrums. It seems to be everything I ask her to do ends up with a no. We do LOTS of negotiations. "If you want to x then you have to y...." and it does'nt seem to be working at the moment but all I want is for her to put her blimmin socks on or stop poking me with a stick. Also she is hitting me a lot and I'm finding it tough to get her to stop? Any advice out there? Feeling a bit rubbish mummish.

I have an almost 3 who is exactly like that so you have every sympathy.

I find that I probably wrongly use her older sister in that I will say to her oh DD1 is getting her hair done nice she is a good girl then DD2 will suddenly want her hair done nice IYSWIM.

DD2 would start an argument in an empty room, she argues with the cbeebies presenters.

She also hits out at me as well, I usually grab her hands and tell her we do not hit.

Message withdrawn

how about giving her choices rather than straight questions - like "do you want to put on the pink socks or the white ones?" "Do you want to put your shoes on now or later?"
That way, no isn't an option as an answer. [this obviously works better with older people who understand logic]

As for the stick - do you want me to throw it away now or put it in the cupboard until you learn not to poke people with it?

for you but some children are just like that. Hope she grows out of it

In our house the sock-eating aliens are going to eat your socks if you don't put them on....

Also, when you say "if you don't x then y", how much do you actually do "Y". I found that if I analysed what happened, I was mostly empty threatening.

Also do stickers and rewards work? So you're rewarding the good behaviour rather than the bad?

MY husband is living with his parents at the mo and he says they give him far too many choices - do you want pasta or rice? gravy or ketchup? Hot or cold? Big or small? And he finds it quite wearing. He's 42 and he said it gave him an insight into how we treat our 3 yo.

Maybe a few less choices and more facts are ok.

In our house the sock-eating aliens are going to eat your socks if you don't put them on....

Also, when you say "if you don't x then y", how much do you actually do "Y". I found that if I analysed what happened, I was mostly empty threatening.

Also do stickers and rewards work? So you're rewarding the good behaviour rather than the bad?

MY husband is living with his parents at the mo and he says they give him far too many choices - do you want pasta or rice? gravy or ketchup? Hot or cold? Big or small? And he finds it quite wearing. He's 42 and he said it gave him an insight into how we treat our 3 yo.

Maybe a few less choices and more facts are ok.

I seem to remember trying to frame questions so the answer I wanted was 'no'.

Thanks. I found the choice thing worked for a bit - 'do you want to wear a skirt or trousers?' etc. but now she's even got wise to that. And it's no no no.

Stickers are an idea I've not tried. When DD gets into one of her moods she probably wouldn't even listen but i'll definitely try, starting NOW!! Have tried chocolate and father Christmas as bribes recently but don't know that's the right path (especially the chocolate!!)

I am pretty good at following through my threats - even got to the point of putting her on the doorstep with no clothes on last month! It wasn't too cold and she immediately wanted to put her clothes on but I felt like the wicked witch for a few days.

Always good to hear how other people manage behaviour - I have to remind myself she is only 3 but I keep jumping ahead- how will i cope if DD's like this as a teenager!!!!!!

When ds was 3 I found that having a proper chat about it helped. I sat him down at his most attentive time (just before bedtime stories) and said how lovely it was when he said "yes", and how "yes" meant we could do lots of fun things and how "no" was a "stop" type word so stopped us having fun.
I then told him we were going to have a word of the day, and the following day it was going to be "yes". Every time he said no, I did a silly dance and said "ah, but what's the word of the day?" he'd shout "YES!" and I'd say "well that means we CAN do x,y,z then after wall, hurray!"

eg
me: would you like an ice cream? (knowing full well he did)
ds: (out of habit) NO!
me: what the word of the day!
ds: YES!!
me: hurray! we can have ice cream!

Then more praise at bedtime about all the yesses.

Phew - quite exhausting, but it did break the pattern a bit.

Alternatively, give yourself a break and try not to get too wound up. If you get a barrage of no's just say "oh, OK then" and walk away, trying not to get bogged down by it.
It passes!

oh, also try and give her a bit more independence so she feels as though she is making the decisions. I found ds's NO phases coincided with me trying to be too controlling ie not giving enough own choices, so when he felt as though he was allowed to run his own world a little more, he was 100 times more cooperative when I needed him to be.

Stop arguing. Take stick away, calmly but firmly. Put socks on her. If she will behave like a baby, treat her like a baby. If she hits you, grab hold of her hands so she can't and tell her you won't let go until she stops hitting. Or grab her hands and dump her gently in her own room and walk away.