Very stressed by 5yr old son, worse at school

[Ellisa]

DS2 is 5½ years, in Year 1 at a small school. He's had an IEP for behaviour since preschool, it went through to Reception where he improved and carried onto Year 1. We (DH & I) saw his teacher for parent's evening last month and reviewed it, she said then he was much improved and she hoped he could come off the IEP by the end of the year. (I did say it would be worth keeping it running through the Autumn term for the transition to Year 2.)

The IEP is for not being aggressive to other children; concentrating & getting on with his work, and for getting changed before & after PE.

BUT. This week he has been grotty. He came home today with a note to say he'd destroyed a school resource at lunchtime and a message from his teacher that if he doesn't behave tomorrow, he can't go on a class trip the the theatre booked for tomorrow. He'd been sent to the headteacher, and told him 'I broke it because I wanted to.' He didn't cry! (He told me at bedtime, another child had been breaking the thing too but said he hadn't when questioned. They all think DS2 is bad and no other child is.) Every Thursday we get a note home from the classroom assistant to say he wouldn't get changed after PE.

DH thinks the school are going to expell him. And has finally agreed with me that it's more than we can cope with alone and we're going to ask the school to get a referall for assessment by the Educational Psychologists.

We try our best to give him clear boundaries and discipline. Set bedtimes, good food, not too much TV, plenty of love. If he's been naughty at school (up to now, this meant hurting people), he gets no TV, computer or PS2 that night. He has his own bedroom, DS1 is 13 & has his own too. They're our only children.

I feel like crying. I don't know what more to do. He's so much better at home, but the teacher asked the childminder if there was anything going on at home that had upset him - she thinks we're splitting up 'cause he's been so bad!

Does anyone have any suggestions? Or comforting words?

Awww. Sorry things are stressful, Ellisa. You sound like you are doing your best. And he is improving if they were thinking of taking him off the IEP so recently. Things often go pear shaped at this time of year, don't they? They are all tired and overwrought after the long term.Hope things get lots better for you all soon.

Many children, especially our boys are way too excited this time of year and schools do not help by constant nativity rehearsals, xmas decoration making, talking about father xmas, school fairs etc etc. It's enough to drive any of them into a pre-xmas frenzy.

I think an assessment would be a great idea to rule out any under lying learning/behavioral difficulties he may be experiencing.

It can only help him. Good Luck!

You have all my sympathies Elissa - you could be writing about my DS. He too has an IEP with the same targets as your DSs - we have the additional problem that DS has epilepsy and has seizures during the night so is often exhausted at school. We too have had a trip to the head this week for chucking a wooden brick at someone ( I added wooden there as my mum thought I meant a house brick when I told her!!!) and for tripping up someone on purpse.

I agree with mummyofboys that things are so hectic at the moment at school for them. DS has four performances of their school play - two 6.30 shows this week which to be honest is far too late and he could have lost the plot completely by then!!

It's just awful isn't it worrying what they are up to at school. I dread the days when I collect him from school and quite often make up reasons why DH needs to do it (he works from home) so I don't have to I'm a teacher myself (in the same pyramid of schools as DS so know lots of the families at school!!!) and somehow that makes it worse that I seem to have this out of control DS

If I had a pound for every time I heard "dreading picking my ds up from school" I would be a very rich person.

When are 'they' going to realise that for many children school starting age is way too early with the added stress of being driven by targets and assessments. I hate the whole bloody set-up

My ds cannot cope one bit . Finds the conforming, descipline and expectations way out of his reach at the mo. I can hear you say "but he needs to learn". Well, I agree. But I believe by the time many children do learn, the damage has already been done and school has been a really hard place for them.

Strangely, it's nearly always boys All related to the way classes are delivered and children are engaged iom. But, who am I.

Ellisa - a lot of what you've said about your son is behaviour shown by my son when he was 7/8.

At the root of his behaviour was stress. I think an Educational Psychologist can only help him, so please don't feel stigmatised or upset if your son if refered.

I agree that the Christmas hysteria won't be helping. I would take the long view and agree to see how he is at the end of January - don't take these last couple of weeks too seriously.

If you're getting really worried then about exclusion etc then I'd certainly ask the teacher for a ref. to the Ed Psych. It sounds scarier than it is! My ds was referred and it was the best thing they could have done....remember teachers are not experts on every type of children's issues; they get alot of experience, yes, but they are not trained experts.

I think there's a LONG way to go yet in terms of
A) getting him more help and
B) him maturing and coping better
before you start worrying about exclusion!

Try not to put this all on your ds too much. Yes he's having difficulty fitting into the boundaries at school but having a bit of individuality/being a square peg in a round hole is not a crime!

Keep faith with him, I'm sure he will get there if he gets some more help etc.

Thanks for all your replies. Alot of your suggestions and opinions have made us feel a little more positive.

We are going to ask for a referral, partly because of his behaviour at the moment, partly because both my nephew and DH's nephew have Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD). DH does not like to think it could be ASD, but agrees it cannot hurt to check.

I was feeling better, spoke to 2 friends at work who've been through it too. And then I got home. The childminder brought him home today. He got a 'warning' but not enough to not take him on the trip. And he broke something else at lunchtime, but they still let him go on the trip.

Took him to school this morning and tracked down the headteacher. Told headteacher DS1 had somehting to give him & I wanted to make an appt for DH & I to see headteacher to discuss DS. DS1 offered him the contents of his money box, and headteacher said to give him £1 for the school's funds.

(Spoke to me over DS's head & I think he meant he'll give us the money back. Not bothered - on the one hand, DS broke stuff he should pay for it, on the other hand stuff gets broken and school have to replace it& not having him supervised better the day after he'd done it once I think they need to take a bit of responsibility!)

Have an appt to see head tomorrow pm and spent the morning in DS's class as I try to on Thursdays if not in work or having too much uni work to do.

He is just so distractable. They were doing writing about the trip they went on yesterday and he'd told me what he was going to write, but spent so much time telling the othe children the plural of mouse is mice not mouses, he never got past writing his name & the date. So after playtime, had to finish the writing with others, while the ones who'd done enough writing* got to paint a picture from the trip or make something I wasn't allowed to see ;). But he still took so long and in the end only got to do the secret thing and not a painting.

*The amount of writing did vary according to the child's ability. One child had managed 1 sentence of about 5 words, another had done 5 lines of letters and shapes, that's their ability, so the teacher is not expecting more than they are capable of in terms of work, and DS managed, once alone at the table to do good work.

I did say last year to his reception teacher that he'd do better with blinkers and earplugs!

With blinkers and earplugs DS1 would be a genius

I admire you being able to be in the same class as your DS - I've given up on taking mine to football and swimming as his lack of attention and concentration was unbearable. DH is much less aware of it than me so he is quite happy to take him!

In an odd way, being in the class with him makes me feel better, becasue I'm aware of the other children who misbehave, get to hear the teacher and TA talk about who needs extra watching on trips as well as DS, so I can remember its not just him . DH hates picking him up as he doesn't believe me that its not just DS and is convinced we're the only parents who ever hear the dreaded 'Can I have a quick word?'

They know I work in a preschool, luckily not a major feeder to the school, or I'm sure I'd be hearing preschool parents talk about him. I'm the SENCo there, but it doesn't help except for knowing the jargon! But they do know I'm fully aware of confidentiality.

We spoke to the headteacher on Friday, after DH tried to make me even more stressed by being late to pick me up so we were late getting to school and couldn't find anywhere to park!

Headteacher said the positives, how well DS is getting on academically and how he is so lovely one to one, with a great sense of humour. We pointed out that he is generally better with adults or older children, or younger children; its when he's with a group of his peers that he starts asserting himself more.

Then went onto the negatives, the not getting changed after PE, the distractablitly in class, the not listening to teacher when giving directions, and of course the destruciveness.

Headteacher is going to discuss him with the Advisory Teacher for SEN when she comes in January and thinks she will do class observations and one to one assessments before offering more advice, but that we don't need to be thinking about Ed Psych assessment yet. In the meantime, he'll speak to class teacher about a new reward chart. (I hate this because DS has started to realise the other children don't have them, but they do work sometimes for him, so we'll see.)

We said we were happy with that, but I said I didn't want to rule out Ed Psych assessment, becasue I know it can take a long time to go through that, and if we're all thinking 'Hmm, it might be needed...', I'd rather start the process and at least get him on the waiting list. Headteacher said it doesn't take so long for that, its only when the other agencies start to get involved.

So we'll see how it goes. So looking forward to next Friday, when I won't have to think about school for another 2 weeks!

Forgot to say, headteacher suggested we get hearing/sight checked out as the Advisory Teacher will ask about them, so there's my homework. We go to the opticians regularly, so I don't think thats a major issue (or the boys go at least, I have to pay for me). And he can hear the rustling of crisp packets from a distance...

I think an assessment would be a good idea, even if only to rule out problems and give you some peace of mind.

As others have said, this time of year can be a nightmare for behaviour at school. My ds2 is about the same age as your ds and has probably been in trouble more times over the past week than he has in the whole of the rest of the term.

If you're already considering the possibilty of ASD then it could help if someone was able to keep a record of what happens just before he gets into trouble. There might be enough of a pattern there to find out what the possible triggers are.

Appearing to not be listening to instructions a lot is fairly common with ASD and can be due to different things. My ds1 (ASD) often misses instructions because he's either busy blocking out the classroom noise, or is too busy concentrating on something else. With ds2 (AS) it's because he's too busy talking about an obsession or just hasn't understood what's being said because the instructions are too long. Being able to focus can be included as an IEP target if this is a problem.

The complete honesty about breaking stuff also sounds familiar. It wouldn't occur to either of mine to lie or make up a better reason for what they'd done.

Lots of sympathy though. I know exactly what you mean about dreading the school pick-up.