any dcs have "you all hate me" type strops? ones where they are *desperate* to provoke a huge barney? what do you do?

[hatwoman]

dd (8) does this sometimes...and lawks it's hard work. we try to ignore ignore ignore but it's v. hard...anyone got any good tactics?

yes I do! DTBs one of them does this more than the other, but also said the other day "I hate myself" which I could not ignore. I do tend to ignore the "I hate you"s but agree is very hard work, have said to them before "how would you feel if mummy said that to you" which does make them think a little.

Would love to hear how other people deal with this though.

DD 8 has these huge strops occasionally, they are nearly always brought on by tiredness or hunger.

I do try to ignore, but she can be so persistent I am often drawn in to a huge row. It's hideous and leaves me feeling very stressed and drained.

She told me I was 'just like Shannon Matthews' mum' at the weekend

No great advice or tactics really, but you are definitely not alone in your struggle with these huge teen-like strops.

we've had one this evening and it's so full on. we'll just be sitting downstairs eating and she'll storm downstairs (again)declaring that she knows we're talking about her/laughing at her or some other utterly untrue allegation...or she'll ask a question (how come x,y,z) and then, should we answer, tell us that she doesn;t want to talk to us

ignore the tantrum but if she is "desperate" to start a row then clealry something is up with her and she just doesn't know how to express it.

ask her what is it thats wrong and why does she want to upset you by being so difficult.

she is still only young and probably finds it hgard to verbalise what she is feeling.
tell her that you can see she is upset about something, and ask her why.

mamazon - I think you might be right in your diagnosis, but, from repeated experience, as a tactic it doesn;t work. however calmly, patiently I ask her what the matter is, if she would like to talk it's only ever met by more strop.

dh to the rescue....he sat with her and showed her how to do long multiplication (her idea). she is, apparently, calm.

Have that with Ds2 (7yo). Can be absolutely fine all day, something goes a bit wrong (like i ask him to tidy his bedroom) here comes the "You hate me, you only love the others" (3 siblings which I BTW I ask to tidy their bedroom too, so not a favouritisme issue). It is usually said to me, not to DH.

I feel exactly like you frankbestfriend + like an inadequate mother.

As ever it is a way of trying to get you to say you love and adore them, I think.

I always answer with- well I love you very much and when you are ready I'd love to sit down and have a big hug while you tell me what is bothering you.

I always try to remember the 'I most need your love, when I least deserve it' line

oh yes I just say "No, I love you, but you still have to " and get on with what I'm doing. If they had the understanding of language, I'd tell them exactly what I think of emotional blackmail

I get "I hate you" too. I say things like "Really, oh dear. never mind, eh?" or "Do you, well I love you." or "ok. that's fine, it's still bedtime, night night."

Then I watch tv at them

my 5 year old does this ALL THE TIME. either that or she's suddenly struck by how much she loves me, and is incredibly eloquent in finding ways of explaining this. Both the hate phases and the love ones are scarily convincing....

well at least I'm not on my own - either in the strops nor the tactics employed (all of these responses sound very familiar) and I'm reassured, I guess, by the fact I'm not the only imperfect human being who sometimes gets so tested that she ends up cross. more important than me not being on my own is dd not being on her own, iyswim. she gets so upset it really tears me up.

Oh yes..Ds1 is an expert at this kind of tantrum. We deal with it much the same way as hecate...I Love you, but you still have to do as you're told, and then leave him to get on with it.

Really hoping he grows out of it before ds2 starts it.....