Wont eat, wont sleep, pretty much refuses all food and drink on offer other than a boob......please could you give us some advice with our 9mo DS?

[daddy28]

DS our 2nd child is 9 months. He was exclusively/still is breast-fed. We waited until 6 months to wean, he totally wasn't interested. And coupled with the fact he had a viral infection we of course gave him the benefit of the doubt. At 7 months he would take maybe a spoon of porridge at breakfast, and maybe a few spoons at dinner and tea. He hates spoons, and generally will only eat sweet things from it like petit filous or Pureed fruit. At 9 months he pretty much refuses everything from a spoon. Today he has had one piece of dry toast (maybe 1 inch square...) he has been crying for the past 2 hours, he is definitely hungry, butternut squash has been refused and pretty all the veg we have cooked for dinner,finger food and off the spoon. Instead for the 1st time ever we have tried him on a sandwich (with a tiny bit of jam fgs as apart from ham thats all we had to put in one!) and he has just eaten a quarter of a round!! Viola no more tears. DW is finding meal times so stressful, DD is an absolute star and our DS is so demanding at the moment my wife feels poor dd is not getting the attention she deserves.

What on earth do we do to encourage him to eat? He usually screams when we put him in his high chair as well.....so thats not a great start either. Ds also cries the second my wife leaves the room, and he even cries to be held when she walks in, he just doesnt want her to put him down.

He sleep is terrible as well, and he wakes all through the night anywhere from hourly to (on a good night) 2 hourly. He will only be settled by being breast fed.

He point blank refuses to drink from a beaker and also a bottle, otherwise we would wean him off my wife's boob, but it seems we are so far in we don't really know how to. and if he's not eating that much in the day then surley he needs this extra milk?? We would never let him 'cry it out', but at the same time we are shattered and need to do something if maybe we can find the energy,

It doesn't help my wife keeps getting sore throats and flu like symptoms, she's had mastitis quite a few times and its not that, but is it possible breastfeeding is maybe lowering her immunity? She's never normally ill ever, and she constantly has a cold, sore throat, today the fever like symptoms have set in once again adding yet more turmoil!!

thanks if you are still with this, didn't realise i had typed so much.....

can I add he is a healthy weight 26 lbs xx so we must be doing something right???

Sympathies -- sounds like you're both worn out.

Re: food, if he hates the spoon and hates the high chair then I'd ditch both. Give him food that he can pick up with his hands (as you've already seen that sandwiches are a success). You could try a little table and chair for him to sit at, or just feed him picnic-style on the floor.

Nine months is still very early with regard to weaning -- DS hardly ate a thing til he was over a year old. Food is still for fun and exploration, most of his calories and nutrients will come from milk.

Re: sleep, can your wife co-sleep with him? This may not stop him waking but will certainly make it less tiring to deal with the night feeds.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution is a book full of good ideas that don't involve leaving them to cry, you might find it helps.

Also I would just add that this is all TOTALLY NORMAL (DS was very similar) and will get better!

I gave up breastfeeding at 11 months and my daughter was very mummy dependent until it happened, demanding breast, demanding my presence, and rejecting daddy. Also hurting me with her teeth. I kept saying, no more breast, but it's really difficult to break the cycle. We went away for 6 days, leaving her with adoring Granny. I didn't really want to leave her, but the break gave me some really necessary sleep, and got her off the breast. It was the beginning of a closer relationship with her dad.
If you have anyone who loves him enough to be delighted by the prospect, do what i did.
good luck

You are both doing fantastically. He is clearly thriving in some ways. I do sympathise. I had a 2hrly feeder/waker until she was 10 months. She was also a good weight, 24lb at 6 months. I couldn't let dd cry either.

Can I ask how the birth was? DD was very stuck and had muscle problems in her neck because of the angle during the second stage and 6hrs of pushing. We saw a cranial osteopath who fixed it and she became a better feeder and sleeper.

Your dw sounds very run down, not symptomatic of bfing itself, but the constant feeding and exhaustion will be making it worse. Has she seen the GP for a general checkup? How are her iron levels?
Will he feed from a cup? Some babies will do this rather than use a beaker or bottle. May give your dw a break.

You sound like a lovely couple. The first year is challenging beyond belief. DD is 19 months old, still bfed and sleeps well. It got better fast.

Oh and it sounds like separation anxiety with you dw. Right time for it. Play lots of peek a boo, it will pass.

Daddy28 - someone else will be along in a minute with helpful advice, but just wanted to send some sympathy. DS1 was just the same as your ds. He was very much a mummy's boy, fed regularly throughout the night, and, as a result, wasn't really hungry during the day. He just loved his bfs - I guess that warm nutricious (and in my case chocolate flavoured ) milk is pretty hard to beat. And it was awful at around 9 months, when I think they go through a growth spurt then, and I had awful sinusitis and just wanted to sleeeeeeeeep.

DS1 did improve a lot at around 12 months. Before that we discovered a couple of things that he liked - after months of throwing away fresh pureed vegetables, we found he went for one particular variety of jarred babyfood (organic, at least!) and liked lumps of cheese and fresh broccoli bits with it. After throwing a bit more fresh food away I resorted to giving him that every day for lunch - at least he was eating something other than me. He then had a banana daily too, which was great, as they are filling as well as nutricious.

Hang on in there, then. Things will improve soon. And in the meantime, the babyled weaners will be along to advise soon too.

One helpful hint I read later, is that many babies do not like warm food. They will take puree cold - some like it straight from the fridge!

Hmm, just to give a different view to Siestatime. I don't think these problems are necessarily connected to BF -- it's just what some babies are like at this age. DS was a terrible eater and sleeper but improved a great deal around 12mo. He was still BF until 20mo.

Yup ditch the highchair. DD helps herself off a plate that's in reach and eats at her own pace. Hated spoons too until she could feed herself with one.

We co-slept too as it meant lots more sleep for all of us.

It's definitely all normal. And the food is just for fun bit is important to remember. Let him explore, don't push it, don't let him see any anxiety around it and allow unfettered access to milk until he's more interested in solids.

Yes, sounds like your ds would thrive on baby led weaning.

As for your dw being run down: with both my children I had infections that I found very difficult to fight, both time at a stage when I was breast feeding them the most often (at 4 months). I'm not implying that breast feeding was the cause, but I was certainly knackered. Exhausted. Do check the iron levels. I also recommend (just check if it's ok taking it while bfeeding) a supplement of zinc and vit c and e. I think it is brilliant!

This is a really tough one, because I bet both parents are really tired and frustrated from the sound of things. Your poor wife sounds absolutely exhausted.

It sounds to me (as a mum of 3) that he is just a bit reluctant to learn to eat new things if they aren't sweet (although clearly not entirely), and is associating meal times with battles, hence the reaction to the high chair in particular. Also children tend to make most noise and fuss when they are on the cusp of a new developmental stage, so this might be in your favour.

Personally speaking, I would ditch the high chair for now, plonk him on a play mat on the floor, put mashed up banana and/or baby rice and a couple of little dishes of enticing finger food in front of him. I would then play teddy bear picnics for a bit and let him play with the food and make a mess or experiment if needs be. DD can join in too. Afterwards plonk him in the bath and put him to bed after a quick bf if necessary.

Tomorrow make a game of it all again, at every mealtime, and see what happens.

Regarding the night time waking my guess is that he is hungry and needs proper food, as milk isn't giving all the calories he probably needs, or only just, but possibly leave tackling this problem until he's more cheerful about taking food in the daytime. Then it might be a case of putting in ear plugs and brazening it out, once you know he's actually getting enough calories per 24h.

His weight seems to be to be a good sign there's no underlying medical issue, but I'd be tempted to talk to the Health Visitor or baby clinic anyway.

I would also buy some interesting looking toddler cups and put some milk or water in there, and see what happens, regarding getting off the boob. It might tempt him away.

My ds was the same, really hated his highchair, screamed as soon as he felt he was being lowered into it!! Hated spoons, hated being put down, just hated everything other than milk and being carried by mummy all day long.

I struggled for months as you have and also would never leave him to cry. Around 8 months I just decided for whatever reason my ds was like this and I needed to just go with it. I ditched the highchair, let him eat on a splash mat on the floor. Ditched the spoon, let him eat everything with his fingers, (regardless of the mess!) started off with finger foods and sandwiches as you have done, then gave him whatever we were eating (even spaghetti bolognaise can be a finger food if you are like me and would rather he ate rather than about cleaning up the mess!).

Foods to babies are meant to be fun, my ds sees them almost as a toy to be explored and enjoyed, that's how it should be so try and not stress too much about how much he's eating and just let him enjoy the whole experience!

There is a positive end to my story. My ds is 16 months now and eats most meals in his high chair happily, feeds himself with a spoon or fork (he did this very early on as I figured it was 'being' fed, he didn't like, he wanted to do it himself at around 11 months, again very messy!). He still won't eat anything off a spoon first thing in the morning though so just wants toast for breakfast which I let him eat on the floor. All other meals he gobbles down in his high chair and actually eats a large amount for his age.

I remember being so worried and drained as you are but it gets so much better if you just learn to go with it and let him eat finger foods on the floor if that's what he wants! The last thing you want to do is create any stress around meal times (I did do this and it made things so much harder). Don't make it a battle ground, he is still so young and milk has all the nutruents he needs for now.

It gets better, my ds was a nightmare but is hinestly a beautiful, happy, loving little toddler who eats more than I do (and that's saying something!!!!)

If only I'd have known how normal it was at the time I was going through it!! I used to look at other babies sat happily in a high chair and eating huge bowls of purees and think "wtf did I do wrong???!", I blamed myself for his clinginess and refusal to eat as I didn't breastfeed for long and I felt like it was my fault. Just to let you know that it's not necessarilly linked to breastfeeding at all. Some babies are just independant and hate all the palava of being strapped into things like high chairs and being fed by mummy or daddy. I know it sounds daft as he seems so clingy you'd never guess how independant he will be in time, he's probably just frustrated as my ds was. He ALWAYS wanted to do everything himself but once he had mastered walking he became a lot easier to deal with and got a huge appitite!

just nipped back on hoping we had one reply and you have all given so much advice thank you so much. Its such a relief to know we haven't done anything wrong. We were, I think, blaming breastfeeding for a lot of the problems we feel we are having and it seems this probably isnt the reason. So out with the high chair tomorrow, we have a large mat I will dig out for dw tomorrow, fingers crossed. I think we do need to chill out about the whole eating thing, I guess because of DD who ate lots and was the perfect highchair baby, and a great sleeper, well we were expecting the same again and this has thrown us.

meandjoe its really helped us knowing knowing you had the same problems and only breastfed for a short while its making us realise maybe this is just the way our son is engineered and not because DW is still brestfeeding him. We have been looking for ways to wean him off the breast, and maybe that isnt the way forward just yet.

snowofhands at the end of labour neither me or DW are not totally aware of what was happening (and we never asked at the time which we both really regret) but basically at the time of delivery they found out he was lying in OP and after the head came out the midwives rushed all hands in and started tugging and pulling. DW describes she could feel the head being born but instead of getting the immediate relief she did with DD as she rested to push again, instead there was tremendous pain (dw had no pain relief and she said it felt like it was maybe his shoulders causing the pain from getting stuck) then two midwives were hands in turning and pulling ds, they were pulling ds out so hard I had to pin (sounds a bit harsh!) my wife to the bed as she was nearly being pulled off. DS was very blue, but otherwise fine. He still has red marks all along his hairline on the back of his neck though, could that have been related to getting stuck do you think? I didn't know this could be related to poor sleep?

thanks again for everyones posts theres so much good advice and reassurance here, I am going to print it and take it upstairs to DW with some paracetomol!!

Wassen zinc etc is great for the immune system (IME of course)

thanks for the link franca, will be getting some of this if possible tomorrow, will check with pharmacist or doc to check its ok to take. Thanks again everyone. Have just been having a look into Cranial Os as well, thinking it may be worth a phone call, as on top of very disturbed sleep day and night he is often unsettled in the day time as well.

I wouldn't normally agree with Cranial Ostepathy, as I think it's sometimes oversold, but I think if my ds was in the same position as yours I would venture a visit ...

The red marks around the hairline are normal. It's called a stork mark (for obvious reasons) and will fade.

I was sceptical about cranial osteopathy too but it was clear that dd had a limited and painful range of motion in her neck. This affected how she opened her mouth too so created feeding problems. Your dw sounds like she had a difficult time at the end. My dh did the pinning down bit as I was slipping down the bed but dd didn't come out that way and I had an em cs in the end to help her out. The cranial osteopath visibly helped the range of motion in her neck and her sleeping and feeding improved.

DD was independent as meandjoe describes. You will find a lot of parents on here posting with children the age of your ds and describing how grumpy they are. I think if you imagine what it's like for them, it's hardly surprising. They can see and hear this wonderful world around them but are limited by their bodies. They can't move or communicate in the ways they would like to. On top of this, we insist on strapping them in things and limiting their mobility further. It's a tough stage and compounded by separation anxiety from the primary caregiver. He understands that you dw can leave the room and he wants to follow but his body won't allow it. At the same time, his brain is in overdrive. He's on the cusp of crawling, walking, talking, eating etc. This sustained brain activity makes it very, very hard for them to 'switch off'.

I was lucky that dd wasn't cross or grumpy as a baby but she was desperate to be up and walking/exploring. When they find a way of moving around effectively, they seem to change overnight. Plus, they tire themselves out and sleep better in some cases.

Do you have a sling or baby carrier. Strapping ds to you and letting him see the world from a vantage point might help.

And finally, I'll tell you something my lovely hv told me. And this is probably rubbish designed to get me through but it helped. Babies that feed constantly, don't sleep well and are keen to be 'up and about' from very early on are 'classically intelligent'. That inquisitive and questioning mind will stand him in good stead.

Is your wife a MNer too?

Bet its teething - DD started doing this at 8 months. Didn't eat anything but was happy being breastfed. It is very draining but all I can say is if your wife wants to carry on your Ds will stop eventually. I would def. recommend a cranial osteopath - make sure that they specialise in babies. Maybe your wife could have some as well? I was so stressed when this was happening to me that I had some and it really calmed me down. Your wife could still take pregnacare as it can be used for breastfeeding. Maybe she could be anaemic?

Well done for everything you've done so far - you sound like a wonderful partner - much more tolerant than mine!

I agree with finger foods - DD still eats with her hands a lot of the time at 19 months but she feels in control. Remember as well that your DS doesn't need that much if he's being breastfed - his tummy will still be pretty tiny.

Having had twin ds's, I thought DS3 would be a doddle...how wrong I was. Terrible sleeper and absolutely refused anything other than breastfeeding for months. We did Cranial Osteopathy and baby massage classes which definitely helped as he seemed calmer and more relaxed, therefore I was the same. Food wise he would only breastfeed, refused a teat and moved straight on to a beaker at about 12 months - to this day he has never drunk milk (he's nearly 10!). When I went back to work for half a day twice a week, he wouldn't drink anything at all in the time I was away (about 5 hours at a time) - he really was and is a stubborn bugger. We had the high chair problem as well - he went rigid and screamed so we gave up on that and let him roam around. Once he realised that we were all sitting down at the table he felt left out and soon decided that the high chair was ok, although he was older than 9 months. What I'm really trying to say, as others have, that there is no right and wrong way, and each baby is so different, there are no magic answers, and more to the point you aren't doing anything wrong. It seems like you're stuck in this position for ever but it really will change soon and you'll wonder what you were worried about! For your wife, I was constantly ill when DS3 arrived - I had a very sympathetic doctor who didn't treat me as though I was mad every time I went in, and I also tried homeopathy which I felt helped. Good Luck!

Have you tried just sitting together with ds on your (or dw's lap) and eating lunch/ breakfast/ supper just with him there? Ds loved this as he would want to find out what we were doing and would be trying bits of the plate in front of him - but he would have absolutely no pressure, effectively no attention - just have to make sure that the meal is something that he would be safe picking up with his fingers.

We were at an advantage with the spoon issue as, because ds had really bad colic, we had used colief before every feed and that had to be mixed with milk and fed by a spoon - so he already connected spoons with food. It might be another way of getting milk (I would try ebf) into him - some todlers never like bottles)

Banana - already mentioned - was always a favourite - it sounds as though, at the moment, anything would be better than the current situation - try some thin slices that he could pick up by himself - but, again, just have them on a plate beside him rather than putting them in front of him as if expecting that they will be eaten.

haven't read the whole thread, but to the OP, our ds was pretty much the same. It's absolutely exhausting! And so hard to imagine you will ever feel normal again. For us, about 9.5mo, something just clicked (we moved house and he got his own room for the first time too). He started eating much more, and sleeping much more, and we had a week or two when he would only wake 2/3 times in a night. So there is hope! (Of course, he's now teething madly, and has gone back to waking 2 hourly, but at least we know he's capable of sleeping!)

In my mind, the sleep and food were linked. Things that "help" ds to eat:
baked beans, pieces of cheese he can hold, tinned tomatoes, filled fresh pasta, tinned fruit (in juice), a whole pealed pear (very messy!). Sharing food from my plate, sitting on my lap or on a chair next to me, fed by my fingers, or his, or from the same (metal) fork I'm using for myself.

He never ate any of the baby "favourites": banana, sweet potato, etc.

Can't promise your ds will learn to eat/sleep as suddenly as mine, but it was an almost overnight change for us, so wanted to offer you hope that it may be just round the corner.