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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

It's been one of those days

26 replies

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 21:19

daughter, just turned 5, absolute nightmare.....not much more I can say today I am exhausted. I come on here from time to time when I am at my wits end and today (the last few days actually) are one those times.
-Does not listen
-wants everything her own way or EVERYONES lives are a misery
-totally unable to cope when we have visitors-I cant talk even on the phone without her doing her upmost to ruin it and get my attention

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Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 21:43

bump

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StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:08

oh dear - sympathies from someone who has been there!

I would just venture to suggest it's always worth having a re-examine of your own responses to her. I'm not saying her being impossible is caused by you (five year olds can do it all on their own ) BUT as they grow older they DO want alot more control and sometimes we forget that we can change our approach as we go along, IMO.

eg if she won't listen - there IS a way of getting her to hear you, you just need to find it. It's easy to become background noise to them if you say the same thing over and over. Getting her own way - everyone needs this - she should have it unless it makes life troublesome for someone else, in which case she needs that explained and then either ignoring of her resulting tantrum or a clear consequence etc etc

Teaching grandmother to suck eggs I'm sure here but just wanted to say sometimes as parents WE get stuck in a rut in the way we speak/relate to our kids and if we re-examine that, it can avoid alot of unecessary confrontation IMO.

ataraxmas · 06/12/2008 22:13

chocolatemummy, sorry you are having such a hard time. My 5yo DS can be exactly like that - tears or tantrums over anything that doesn't go exactly how he wants it.

The not listening thing sounds very familiar too - it is hard not to scream sometimes when you have to say the same thing 5 times.

Children have an inbuilt sensor when you are on the phone, and it is a red rag to them, I don't know why, and it is incredibly frustrating, but pretty much every parent I know suffers from it at some point or other.

Remember, she is only (just) 5. It can be so hard, but she is still very young. Doesn't make it any easier when you are in the middle of it, but I find telling myself that (only 5, only 5, only 5 - or 3 with the other one...) does actually make me stop and put it into perspective.

Have a big glass of wine and try to have a bit of an evening.

bigbaubleeyes · 06/12/2008 22:16

OK - go back to basics

has she had enough attention from you- I find my little one difficult if he hasnt
She is old enough to understand work/reward principle - have you tries stickers chart AND STUCK to it
Do you try to give her little (made up) jobs tht she can do to, to 'help you'
Is she getting enough exercise/stimnulus or too much

HTH

StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:18

oh yes meant to agree about the phone thing; ds was a terror. As ata says, you have to remember that they aren't at a stage of life where they understand what a phone conversation is, really, so they can't be expected to understand why it's so bad to interrupt; they just know it takes ALL your attention away! I think consistent explanation that you need this time is all you can do until they get it, which I think for ds was when he was five-ish; well that, and getting a portable phone and locking yourself in a loo!!(though the racket they make banging on it is reminiscent of a battering ram attack on a castle )

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:19

my throat actually hurts tonight from raising my voice to her pretty much from the moment she woke up til she went to bed! I have actually given her a nice day regards things to do,(Xmas fete this morning) cousin over to play all afternoon, etc. She just demands, demands and demands more sometimes and then I took her upstairs to her room, kicking and screaming and she wacked her head on the ceiling as we went up the stairs which made me feel awful of course, I do feel totally exhausted tonight and I just love her so much and want tomorrow to be a good day so much.......

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Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:23

tried sticker charts and she doesnt take any notice, HATES being taken to her room but if we do we have to stand and hold door shut or she will just come straight out. She does tend to kick/bash the door in for quite a while and I am totally embarrassed because I am sure the neighbours must think I am the mother (or she is the child ) from hell! lol

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ataraxmas · 06/12/2008 22:30

It is difficult with visitors, because at 5 they are getting past the 'cute and can get away with it cos they are so young' stage, but they haven't necessarily recognised that yet.

It might be worthwhile telling her before situations that this is your time (doesn't always work, but occasionally...), what I mean is, saying 'I need 10 mins now to make a phone call, when I finish we will do x'?

Do you have clear quiet/fun time with her, just the two of you?

Also, I have found that actually responding immediately sometimes, rather than saying 'I just need to' or 'give me 5 mins' etc etc really helps as well.

StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:32

I think you've answered one thing there then chocolatemummy. Raising your voice all day is completely ineffectual other than to hurt YOU. She will desensitise to it REALLY quickly; well, she has really I guess!

Taking her to her room sounds to me a much more effective sanction. She hates it so will try to avoid it. Sounds totally normal that you would need to hold the door shut and that she would kick and fuss. She is experiencing the consequence!

Obviously you would only use that as a last resort, not all the time; but I think it sounds like it would help you far more than raising your voice all day which is clearly of no consequence to her; in fact I would think it would just eventually make her respect you less to be perfectly honest. Children know when their parent has got things under control or not.

Maybe you could NOT give her such nice things to do if she's being impossible and demanding? I would think, if she's been like it all day, you really needed to show her that has consequences; you DON'T go to the fete, and you don't get to play with your cousin.

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:36

I /we are busy people. I recognise that and also that we need to perhaps give her more, 'unrushed' attention but I am sure were not the only ones!.We do make sure she does lots of nice things. She is a real handful but she CAN be very good but trouble is, she is an only child and needs people to play with, aways saying she has nobody to play with at home.When i sort that for her by getting friends or cousins round she ruins it by losing the plot, too over excited, ends up in her room sobbing nand they end up going home. I feel so sorry for her then.

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ataraxmas · 06/12/2008 22:38

Agree with Stephanie's comments about taking her to her room and consequences in general. It is hard to see them upset, whatever the reason, but standing firm on things a few times does (generally) result in a change in behaviour.

In fact, agree with all of Stephanie's comments - .

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:40

stephaniebying.you are right on may points and the consequence today for being pretty bad all day was her cousin going home and not sleeping over.
To be honets she seems to cope alot better when we just stay at home and dont go anywhere or have anyone ever, just colouring or watch Charlie and lola seems to cause far less problems! I just wish she could appreciate things and enjoy her visitors or days out

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ataraxmas · 06/12/2008 22:42

Maybe the key is then not to do too much. So, for example, the fete and visitors today might have been a bit much?

StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:45

chocolate, I think you have actually done really well today - you were strong and took her for time out, and she lost the thing of having her cousin to stay.

If I'm honest I do wonder now if kids are a little OVER socialised; our expectation of early years children is that they will play happily/want sleepovers/enjoy days out.

In fact IME lots are still overgrown toddlers who still suffer from neophobia (making days out to new places pretty pointless) and they are at a developmental stage where they are all ego and haven't yet developed true social skills (making playdates problematic and fraught).

We feel me must do groups/outings/playdates

specially with an only; well I don't think they need much of that stuff at all, personally.

If YOU are prepared to be playmate as well as mum sometimes, IMO they are just as happy if they live a more domestic life with a very few social things here and there. IMO.

StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:45

ata, you made my point - in far less words!!

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:46

just did a message but its dissapeared? I guess we try to make up for hardly seeing her all week.

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Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:48

think you are right. I feel like getting into bed and giving her a big cuddle. tomorrow, its home ALL day, we'll do some baking and a few stories and nice sunday dinner.

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Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:50

I so needed to do some homework this evening once she went to bed but have just felt exhausted and needed a debrief after my day lol

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StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:51

chocolate, again that's a very 'now' phenomenon - making up for working/not seeing kids; I can totally understand and relate to that; time with them is SO precious and you want it to be lovely...I too struggle with this and will all the more in January when I start my new job, FT for the first time since DS was born nearly 7 years ago; however I do know that my aim will be to NOT try to compensate...they need consistency and clarity when they're with you, and to know where the boundaries are; they need the boundary to be the same whether you are there all week or only at weekends, IMHO.

It's hard, though. I do sympathise.

ataraxmas · 06/12/2008 22:51

Sounds fab, I am sure she will love it.

If you don't see her much in the week, she probably wants to have much more you time when she gets the chance.

I absolutely have to go to bed before I drop, but I hope that tomorrow is a lovely day for you both. Enjoy it .

StephanieByng · 06/12/2008 22:52

homework - after a day like that?! No way! Think you deserved a rest!

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 22:54

ataraxmas thankyou honey for your support have a good nights sleep

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Original poster

chocolatemummy · 06/12/2008 23:02

off to bed now then, good night to all and may resurrect this thread at another time lol xx

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swanriver · 06/12/2008 23:08

Just to let you know I'm a SAHM and my dd was just the same. Treats, outings presents and visitors just made her more and more frazzled and ungrateful. What she was very good at was playing with the same person on a regular basis eg; a brother or a special friend she saw often. She was v. sociable but very jealous of my attention to visitors, particularily younger ones. And she loved doing a craft activity that was easy enough for her to do without my imput, like glueing and sticking. Fiddly crafts caused scenes and manipulative behaviour. She loved sitting on my knee and feeling safe, but also used 'Go Away I hate you' quite alot. She's still not someone who can really entertain herself for long, but she's much better company now that we talk respectfully to her, understand that she has strong feelings about things, gets frustrated etc, and don't expect her to stop tantrumming the minute we ask her to. We try not to react angrily to her tantrums because I think this frightens her. I also realise she gets incredibly overtired before she admits it. She's six.
Sympathy

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 08/12/2008 18:37

swanriver..thanks for that, very interesting. Sounds VERY familiar.
We;ll sunday was a disaster, I did what i said and we stayed in, we left the house only to go over the road to the shop and get cooking stuff. It was okay until she put things in the basket demanding we buy it for her, we said no and that was it, crying and kicking and dragged her out of the shop. Eventually we sat down to watch a film together which lasted about half an hour tops and then she started again and the day was hopeless, by the time she went to 'sleep' it was almost 10pm, despite being put to bed at 7.30. End of the night I burst into tears. Again, exhausted.
Today I almost kept her off school because it was her school play. I took her in a little late and I told the teacher we had an awful weekend and I wasnt going to let her do the play.they looked shocked and said she really is no problems at school. Chatting to another mum at the shcool who mdescribed similar contempt for her little ones behaviour. Tonight, I got her from schoolshe has been pretty good and said sorry.(without me asking for it)?. Bedtime is just around the corner!!!
I LIVE IN HOPE LOL

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