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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Calling all mums of 9yr old girls..............(or older)

24 replies

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 13:49

My 9yr old has always been a challenge for me tbh I think because she's my first and it's a constant learning curve, just as I master tackling one thing shes moved on.

So I just want to know how I should expect her to behave, are my expectations too high? Have you got any advice, will things get easier as she gets older? (the last few years have been quite hard and seem to be getting harder in some ways)

I expect...
honesty (she's lies about little things, this week she lied about being sick at school and got sent home)

tidiness - she's always been quite tidy and is a star at tidying and helping out when she wants to but she doesn't understand that not creating so much mess would be better yet. Theres times she doesn't want to tidy and I can understand that I know there are plenty of times I don't want to either but she does silly things like leave towels/ clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the basket.

no cheek/ attitude - this is my main problem tbh she rolls her eyes at me, answers back, cheeks me, snaps at me, how should I be handling this? (I currently tell her off, give warnings and if she still carries on she gets sent to bed early)

No fake crying - I can't stand this, if she hurts herself a tiny bit you would think she was seriously hurt but the crying isn't real it's loud and the most awful sound and now my 3yr old is copying and dd1 also does it if she can't get her own way.

Doing as she's told - she seems to think she has the say so in everything I do for eg we're getting a cleaner next year on a temp basis because I've got a busy time during the summer holidays and she mouthed off at me saying you're not having a cleaner we can't afford it etc as if she were my dp and had a right to a say in the matter. I'm all for her growing up with a voice but not when she thinks she can tell me what to do, I remind her quite often that I would never have spoken to my mum like that and it would not have been my business. Also we were at my mums the other day helping her paint her spare room we only had 2 brushes so we took turns letting dd have a go but she started trying to dictate to me and my mum about whose turn was when and we said no you're not in charge, you need to respect your elders and do as you're told.

Any advice is much appreciated.

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KateF · 04/12/2008 13:55

She sounds exactly like my 9yo dd1! From my occasional rants to her friends mums I think it's the age. My strategy is to pick a few major things to battle about - manners, dirty laundry in basket, homework done - and try to bite my tongue about minor things. have started consulting the Teenagers board too I've got two more to follow!

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 13:55

Reading that back it sounds quite negative, the other side of it is that she is affectionate, brilliant with the younger children (when she wants to be) she can be quite grown up at times and listens to everything going on around her, she's doing really well at school and has got over 100 merits already since being back at school, she's been moved up in spellings and I tell her how proud I am of her and i also praise her when she helps me or is nice to her sister or does something nice like the other day she played with a girl in her class who was being picked on at school. I want to encourage the nice side and stop the bit's that are not very nice but how? Will she grow out of it? Will it get worse? Do I jsut ride it out by being firm and consistant? The last thing I want is to make it worse or make her think I don't like her, I obviously love her bits but it is the bad behaviour I dislike.

OP posts:

ByTheSea · 04/12/2008 14:03

DD1 is nine. She is very untidy and very hesitant to ever tidy anything without threat of losing it. She will also shriek if one of her older brothers teases her, escalating the situation and giving them what the want (her to be upset). She does this over and over again even though she has been advised many times that they would stop if her reaction stopped.

That said, she is not cheeky, doesn't fake cry and does not lie. I get enough of that from her older brothers though, and they were doing it at nine, so I realise I'm very lucky with her.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 20:38

I've had a chat with dd1, I was looking through her texts on her phone and her best friend had sent a text with the F word, so I explained that I didn't think this friend is a very good influence and either she starts to be better behaved or we will not be letting her friend come for tea again and dd will not go there either.

I haven't brought her up to be this disrespectful, we have always been consistant and fair and firm i believe her friend influences her too much (I have heard the way her friend talks to her mum) the behaviour has to be coming from somewhere, she doesn't have a bad home life theres no need for her to be treating us as if we are here to make her life miserable (like kevin the teenager!)

I've thought about hormones but she's a bit young yet and this has been going on for a while not just now and again.

Has anyone got any more advice for me?

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 20:40

I asked her if there was anything we could do to make her behave better or to talk to me about anything bothering her, she said she's worried about maths at school but then in the next sentence said it's too easy then said she was worried about moving up to year 6 then said she was worried about high school so bottom line is I don't think her life is bad at all, she has nothing to worry about and is a lot luckier than a lot of kids her age.

OP posts:

psychohohohoho · 04/12/2008 20:45

I have no advice as such, bar just continue parenting her as you always have been, but I will say that my DD1 was exactly like this, as was DD2 and now DD3 (she will be 10 at the weekend).

with DD1 I found it SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard, and confess I lost my temper with her more than a few times, but at 11 she suddenly turned back into the DD1 I thought lost forever, and then settled into being hell for 1wk a month (co-insiding with my PMT).

DD2 was the same

and now DD3 is doing it I am finding it very easy to ignore, as I have done it twice and no it is just a phase, in the same way the terrible twos are, or the torturous threes!

it is hormones added to them growing up and away from us. changing from being our little girls into pre-teens.

of course, at 12 they do get cloned with aliens for a short time, but nowhere near as bad as the 9-11 hell (IMO and IME).

the high pitched squealing tho.......I wish to gag her!!

Sallyallyally · 04/12/2008 20:47

Don't discount the hormones...puberty can start from 8 years old onwards..My DD is 9 and has just started developing and has some real 'moments'. Sounds like she is a bright and lovely girl who wants to challenge her boundaries a bit. Stay consistent but don't always insist on winning. shes growing up, but also still a little girl...big conflicting emotions...hence the attitude. Needs lots of love, patience (oh please God!) and realistic expectations.She's still your baby...love her for all that she's trying to become.

Sallyallyally · 04/12/2008 20:48

Sound a bit like Julie Andrews then! Large gin and tonic and a box of thorntons (for you, not her) will help..

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 20:52

I want to get it right, I don't want her to grow up hating me
The other thing is that she is so ungrateful as well and I know that kids often are because they don't appreciate things until they're older but it's very wearing now.

Eg for dd's 9th birthday we threw her a birthday BBQ and presented her with tickets to see girls aloud the next day she said "oh cant we see the sugar babes" I'd worked really hard keeping it all a suprise including planning a weekend up to her aunts and then a week away camping, sometimes I think whatever i do isn't good enough tbh. I know she had a good time and I don't regret doing it I just wish she'd be a bit grateful. We even ended up with us both in tears because the day after we'd seen girls aloud she said I was a horrible mum and she wanted to go into care, I said ok dd1 and walked away but dp had a chat with her and she said sorry and cried for upsetting me.

OP posts:

scotlass · 04/12/2008 20:58

lovemygirls I think you sound like you're doing a grand job. This sounds exactly like my DD - 9yrs, including the fake crying. I have learned that some things are best left ignored, some things need a stern word and some things have a consequence. Some days are better than others but tbh if you were to sit her down on a calm day she would tell you what was nice behaviour and what isn't. Some days she seems like she just can't help herself tbh. IMO I agree there are def signs of hormones even at this age and I know how irrational my brain can be with PMT.

You're doing the right thing being clear about the ground rules and being consistent.

psychohohohoho · 04/12/2008 20:59

you know, you could do what I did with my DD1.

I wrote to her.

I said to her that my love never changes, and it is bigger than she could ever imagine, but as confused as she is feeling over growing up, so I feel the same about being her mummy now she is growing and changing. I mentioned neveer having been a mummy to a 9yo before, and how I was learning as much as she was, and sometimes we get it wrong, me as much as her.

I told her never to feel scared to come to me, and that I would never get angry if she explained how she was feeling.....I would rather know how scared/nervous/confused she felt then have her shout and scream, and I would try the same.......ie, I would explain to her when I was feeling crappy and stressed so that she would know how to take me (IYGWIM),

I have to admit, the letter helped so much.....not least as she then had tangible proof all the time of my love, and she could refer to it all the time she felt angry.

it does get better, I promise......think of this as a taster of the teenage years

Jux · 04/12/2008 21:04

Ah the joys of parenthood! Mine is 9 too. She's cheeky, talks back, is desperately untidy, doesn't want to do any chores, complains about tons of stuff, assumes that she is in charge oh boy does it go on

On the other hand, she is delightful, very funny, clever, helpful, wonderful with granny, makes friends everywhere she goes. We are constantly told she is a credit to us and how delightful she is. She's in the top groups for everything in school and is respectful to her teachers (if only they knew!).

We just encourage the good and tell her off for the bad. Sometimes I have to shout or threaten withdrawal of something so she does her chores, tidies up, apologises etc. I'm not sure there's much else you can do. Just keep trying, it's a job for life

Sounds like you're doing fine to me.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 21:04

That's a good idea Psycho and thank you scotlass. I'm trying so hard to get it right, I was 17 when i had her so I feel I'm young to be parenting an almost teen (eeeeeek) its a thin line between doing it right and spoiling her.

OP posts:

cat64 · 04/12/2008 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pushchair · 04/12/2008 21:19

This is great, like a support group for the mothers of 9yr olds. Can I join?
I have all the credentials and can add-sulking as an extra. Also have two more DDs so am building up the bank of strategies to see me through the next 9 years or so.

pushchair · 04/12/2008 21:20

Love the idea of the letter psycho.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2008 21:20

Thanks cat and yeh pushchair come on over I could do with someone to drag me through to the next phase!

OP posts:

psychohohohoho · 04/12/2008 21:28

well, the letter helped lots, me and her, so it is worth it IMHO.

and now, DD1 is 14, she knows that she can come to me any time, and does. The only thing now that gets us is that she and I suffer PMT at the samae time, plus we match on our periods, and now that DD2 and DD3 also join the PMT-fest, all is hell again for that one week, and DH fears for his life.

the room tidying tho........that is one thing that has got worse!!!

scotlass · 04/12/2008 21:31

oh - what about the losing things? I'm sick of it! She went pale yesterday when she lost another school sweatshirt.

Just reread your post about the influence of friends. I have this with mine and it's really difficult. Her best friend has attitude in bucketfulls and her mum doesn't seem to be bothered so instead of seperating them (which I think would just make me the baddie and push them together) we try and subtly put some distance between them. I hate being answered back and her friend was doing it to me all the time so I stopped inviting for tea and sleepovers and told DD I wasn't prepared to take this from a 10yr old.

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/12/2008 21:33

OMG You have all described my DS1 lmao and you thought it was a girl thing???????

psychohohohoho · 04/12/2008 21:35

I actually only have the losing things from DD2.....altho the finding things gene seem to have left DD1 and DD3 (they go into a room, turn in a circle, and declare things not findable).

DS1 however..........HE has lost his second pair of school shoes now (he is 8, so in line with the hormone/horrid issues starting).

I hate parenting sometimes

scotlass · 04/12/2008 21:38

me too! I think I'm a bit scared about how DD is going to take having a sibling after 10yrs of being an only.

DD drives me mad with touching things too, often saying I'm just looking to which I bellow then use your eyes!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't it a miracle how mums can find everything!

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/12/2008 21:41

Scotlass, ds1 was an only child for 9 years until i had ds2 september 2007...........

alixy · 13/03/2012 18:30

My DD is only 8 but displays all of the aforementioned behavior. I'm already deciphering what to get mad about and what to leave well alone - trying to choose my battles so I'm not on her case all the time. The problem is that she's just changed schools, and is very up and down - I think due to that. However, tonight, when she did her homework (as requested after tea, not before) she said she hated it and was going to kill herself if she had to do any more. This seems an extreme thing to say and I'm not sure where she's heard it before. I'm obviously very worried about her mental state. Has anyone experienced this sort of thing? Is she just trying to get a reaction from me or really needing some psychological help?

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