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How can we stop out little girl bursting in to tears all the time ??

21 replies

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 20:21

Hi, my daughter is nearly 4 and has a speech disorder and therefore finds it hard to communicate feelings etc.
She is usually quite quietly confident, and very loving and caring. She tells us about 50 times a day that she loves us all the world and loves cuddles etc. She dosn't have an ounce of aggression in her and genuinly shows concern and compassion for others and is respectfull of everything around her.
The problem is, she keeps bursting in to tears all the time. It might be because we haven't understood what she's said, or if Daddy has to go to work or if we've had to tell her off for anything, usually for not doing as she's told. We sometimes feel as if we're walking on egg shells. She is such a sweet heart, I don't want her to be upset about anything. She gets very frustrated, and is at an age now where she realises she can't make the right speech sounds.
I just wondered if anyone had any ideas of how we can make her happier and less likely to burst in to tears all the time, or how to handle it when she does.
Whe she's not at nursery, I'm with her at home, we play together and sing and dance and generally act like a pair of toddlers, she has loads of fun. She has a very loving family and has never been exposed to any conflict, or even raised voices. She dosn't watch T.V appart from an hour of Cbeebies before bed. I know how sensitive she is and so we are very carefull about what she's exposed too. I'm not sure what else we can do.

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Anna8888 · 03/12/2008 20:25

for you and her.

But I really don't know what to say - your daughter has an identified speech disorder and perhaps a professional could answer you?

Judd · 03/12/2008 20:34

Hi, my DD (now 7) had delayed speech and didn't say her first words until after the age of 3. Her first words were pretty much unintelligible and she would get very cross if I didn't understand her, and I would also feel dreadful as I knew the effort it was taking her to speak. I used to apologise and say I had my "silly ears" on, then she'd pretend to pull them off and put some other ears on. This bought me time to think about what she might have said or make an educated guess! It was very very hard though.

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 20:34

Thanks Anna8888, it's not very nice for any of us. My husband said recently that it puts him off taking her out anywear, as she's always grizzeling.
I know she dosn't do it for the sake of it though.

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BibiJesus · 03/12/2008 20:38

Do you think that exposing her to more rather than shielding her from anything that might upset her would be beneficial?

I don't mean purposefully traumatise her, but let her experience feeling and situations that aren't always as safe and happy as you'd like them to be. If not, I think she could be this sensitive forever.

DD1 (also 4) is a sensitive and easily upset child, very shy and cries easily, but I do my best to expose her to different types of people and experiences, be they loud, gentle, boisterous, whatever.

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 20:39

The other night she said to her Daddy when he put herto bed "I miss you when I'm dreaming". It took both of us about loads off attempts to try to work out what she'd said, as she's never said that before. She was becoming more and more upset.

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BibiJesus · 03/12/2008 20:40

Posted before I finished there... she is getting better as time goes on.

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 20:46

She is exposed to loads od different people from all around the world, My MIL takes students and has done for years. She loves the great out doors and we try to keep her childhood as traditional as possible.
We just won't let her watch telly aimed at adults or older children, and if we saw people rowing in the street, I'd whipp her in to a shop quickly. That sort of thing.

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MarxAndSparks · 03/12/2008 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aitch · 03/12/2008 20:47

at i'll miss you when i'm dreaming. how lovely.

Cathpot · 03/12/2008 20:49

Can you understand her? Is it talking to others who dont that is a problem? Would signing help at all - there are signs for emotion which might be helpful, 'I am feeling bored/tired/scared' etc? Does she go to any playgroups or preschool sessions? HOw is she with other kids?

I'm thinking about her crying when she is told off - apologies if this is old hat for you but have you got some sort of very clear warning system in place, ie this is the first time I am asking you to put your shoes on. This is the second time I am asking you to put your shoes on and the last time I will ask nicely. This is the third time I am asking you, put your shoes on or I will have to get cross etc, coupled with some sort of sticker chart aimed at doing things the first time she is asked?

Maybe write a list of trigger points like her dad going off to work and make a plan - give her lots of warning of when he will leave and tell her that as soon as he leaves you will rush upstairs and draw a picture for him when he gets home etc? I'm just trying to think of how you could cut out the incidents of crying and then start praising her to bits for being so brave not crying at all this morning etc.

My DD1 is almost too much the other way, but even she will lose the plot if her expectations are upset (the classic being whens she gets up at 10pm comes down expecting breakfast). It sounds very hard for you all.

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 20:51

She also loves people wether they are loud, gentle, excitable etc.
What I've found through watching her playing in the park etc, is that she plays with the loudest most boysterous boys, and those boys tend to treat her so gently. It's really interesting to watch, even if the boy is smaller than her they tend to feel protective it seems.

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MulledSlubber · 03/12/2008 20:54

I can appreciate that her communication problems must be very frustrating for her. My dds will both cry rather than get angry if they get frustrated, they are also by nature wusses have delicate dispositions.

However, I think you need to lighten up a little. What's with all this 'I don't want her to be upset about anything'. Come on now. Children will latch onto that faster than..err I don't have a metaphor to hand. FAST.

You need to let her be upset. Getting upset isn't a BAD thing. It is a normal thing, she needs to be allowed to get upset so she can learn how to deal with stuff and learn how to not burst into tears every time she isn't 100% happy.

I'd just ignore her most of the time (apart from when she is is having problems communicating).

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 21:07

Thank you everyone, That is helpfull Cathpot. At the moment I do the "please can you put your shoes on like a big girl?" if she says no and runs off squeeling with laughter I say "I'm going to cound to 5 and then you will not were your sparkly hair clips etc. It works 50% of the time. I'm always consistent with it.

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mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 21:14

MulledSlubber- I know she'll have to experience a range of emotions and when she crys I'm qite firm and upbeat with her saying "Daddy has to go to work," and distract her with some fun acctivity.
I just don't like her crying when we haven't understood what she's said. She handles it well when others don't understand, as I'll interprite. She gets VERY upset when I don't understand though, as she relies on me.

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FattipuffsandThinnifers · 03/12/2008 21:16

Aww, little thing. I agree with Cathpot, it is certainly likely to be related to her speech delay, so signing might be helpful (if you don't do it already?).

Sounds a bit twee, but could you try having a 'special' kind of signal for her which she'll recognise instantly as reassurance. She sounds quite sensitive, so maybe come up with some phrase that means 'mummy is giving you a huge big cuddle that makes you feel better' or something like that, something that is unique to her and makes her feel special. Like the 'silly ears' example that someone else said. You could use it whenever she's on the brink of tears.

MulledSlubber · 03/12/2008 21:23

I think the crying at communication frustrations is perfectly understandable, and you sound like you are dealing with it in a very kind and thoughful manner.

But for the rest of the times, when she doen't get her own way, when daddy goes to work etc you musn't pander to it (imo). Don't feed the beast. Don't try to make her happier, or try to make her stop, just crack on with something else. You can't live your life tipy toeing around on eggshells because you don't want to upset your 4yo.

Oh and expose her to some conflict to (you and your DP) and then expose her to you making up (not make up sex obv, that would be WRONG) but you know "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you, I was cross and lost it" type thing. She isn't going to fall apart, honestly if she sees people getting MAD, and it makes for some good conversations afterwards (why do people get angry etc).

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 21:24

Thanks FattipuffsandThinnifers. Sounds good. I like the sound of signing emotions as she uses the term poorly for upset. I could get some cards with facial expressions on.

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mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 21:29

Oh she does undertand, I've got angry with her on more than one occasion. I've ended up shouting at her "Stop that whinning" etc. We both appologise after.
Sometimes if she's had a bad day, I get to the end of my teather.

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mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 21:35

She's also seen her uncle loose his temper at MIL's. She just came up to me and said "Uncle X is a bit cross today". There was a glint of humour in her eye. I just explained why he was angry. She was very matter of fact about it.

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MulledSlubber · 03/12/2008 21:40

Of course you do. We all do. My children drive me up the bloody wall, but you know I think it's OK to tell them that (+/- minus 'bloody'depending on how you view the word) .

Children test things out and push the boundaries on the people who they love and trust. It's OK to let them know 'right young lady you have overstepped the mark on this one and I am now cross'. They can experience crossness in a safe environment. Does that make sense?

dd1 cried ALL THE TIME, she really did, but she learnt through repeated testings through her mother that she was unlikely to get her own way by doing so. She started school in sept and I am so relieved when I asked her teacher "does she cry a lot" to hear "no, only if she falls over etc".

Her new method is the nag, we are some way off working this one out

mummyloveslucy · 03/12/2008 21:45

Yes, not looking forward to that stage.

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