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We were running a tiny bit late for ds's bedtime and he's tired and I'm keen to get him to bed. DS said, as DH was just going out, 'I want to watch daddy go from the window.'
This would only add maybe 5 mins but we were already a bit late.
So I said 'no ds it's bedtime we can't watch him from the window'
ds starts crying and I stand firm continuing to say no in a firm voice and trying to distract him etc. at which point DH turns up at the door and says 'there's too much confrontation'?

So, was I too confrontational, as I thought I was just a. trying to stick with bedtime for an already tired child and b. not giving in to crying after I'd said no.

I guess this is an AIBU really...

if DH was going out, I would tell him to keep his beak out as you are in charge (and also dealing with the fallout after he has gone)

although it doesn't seem unreasonable to let ds watch him go, you had already said no so I personally think it important to stick to your word

ds was also probably trying delaying tactics, which IMO is a reeeeeeally slippery slope to give in to

I think ds probably did just want to watch daddy go but as you say I'd already said no and I felt I had to stand firm once I'd said that. OK so maybe I could have said yes but I feel like if we give in to anything and everything he wants he'll think he's totally in charge. I do give in on the things that don't matter though as I think it's important not to always be saying no.

I presume dh just thinks I should have said yes to every little request.

Mmmmm I would be a peed off that dh turned up and criticised your decision, particularly in front of ds but however, i think maybe I am similar with my ds and say 'no'- can't back down once i've said it but in reality would it have been all that awful if I had just said 'yes'? I think with parenting it's a case of picking your battles wisely but absolutely once you've picked it- stick to it and tell dh not to undermine you in front of ds.

to be fair to dh I do occasionally do the opposite to him in front of ds. I think we both need to stop doing this don't we.

Totally in on the pick your battles ethos though.

yep, both stop doing it

one of the worst things you can do IMO

I don't think there would have been any harm in letting him watch dh go. In fact, I'd probably have said,'okay, watch daddy and then straight into bed no messing'.
I think it's nice for children to wave people off and care about them.
You seem to have very strict bedtime. Would a few minutes have made that much difference.

I agree Juule in retrospect that I should have just said yes but once I said no I couldn't back down. I think I was just aware that he was tired and bedtime had already slipped a fair bit. It's mainly because he's tired at the moment. We're pretty relaxed about bedtime on Fri and Sat but reasonably firm on weekdays when we've all to be up the next day. This is partly because his bedtime is pretty late anyway - 8pm.

In your op you did say that you were running a tiny bit late for bedtime not a fair bit late.
I don't think it hurts to be a bit flexible.
I also wouldn't have had a problem in letting one of mine wave their dad off if they were behaving well and prepared to get into bed with no messing once he'd gone. If I'd said no and then realised that it wouldn't have hurt to say yes then I'd have probably let him wave his dad off.

I don't think it's giving into crying after you've said no. It's more looking at what's reasonable and making a decision based on that. Especially if you may have said no without really thinking.

How old is he?

Sounds like you were feeling a bit impatient and tired or anxious about school the next day~been there and done that.
I think you could have said yes to the waving and also changed your mind without ruining his life forever.
So I do think you were too confrontational and it's nice to have a happy bed time .could you go up at 7.30 to give you more flexibility?
Also wonder if this is an issue between you and dh being played out in front of little one,about discipline and control,or about not getting enough support.
You don't say if you feel cross,sad guilty or confused...or if you thought it wasn't a big deal,just irritated by dhs interference.
Also think dh shouldn't have come in that you talk about it when little one not there.

I think you CAN back down. It's good for a child to sometimes be able to 'persuade' you because they need to be listened to. If you never have your point listened to purely because your parent wants to NEVER back down, that's not going to do a great deal for your self esteem in the long run. Also it is modelling to your child how to be reasonable; how to listen to what someone is saying and change your response if necessary. They need to learn that otherwise they will be dealing in absolutes all the time which can not lead to a happy home!

Rather than thinking 'I must never back down' I would suggest using a reaction as thinking time. You can use what they want as a bargaining chip; "OK you can watch daddy as I know you like to, but the deal is if you watch him then it's straight up to bed, no messing" (to quote juuule!)

If you decide to stick to your guns because you're RIGHT, then great. But not just because you've already said no, IMO.

I agree overall Stephanie but Ds was crying about it and not discussing it or asking nicely....one of my maxims is to never give in to crying!